#1
This is my first piece after a three week long block. C4C


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the lazy river lies
languidly atop the
bank.
An old cart, clamped
by the mud on the side
of the road, staring into the
distance...but this doesn't matter.
The river within itself is unneeded,
unimportant, unnecessary. For that
matter, this whole situation is more
peculiar than an encounter between a
fat Jap and a skinny yank across the Philippine
border back in world war two. But
this is also irrelevant…

that is where beauty lies…



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#2
Good job, looking forward to reading more from you again
#3
I really liked that, alot, nice little poem and the little tangent about the japs and yanks was a lovely idea.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#4
Quote by confusius


the lazy river lies
languidly atop the
bank.
An old cart, clamped
by the mud on the side
of the road, staring into the
distance...but this doesn't matter.
The river within itself is unneeded,
unimportant, unnecessary. For that
matter, this whole situation is more
peculiar than an encounter between a
fat Jap and a skinny yank across the Philippine
border back in world war two. But
this is also irrelevant…

that is where beauty lies…




I liked it ... quite an odd one though ... but hey thats a good thing. Too much normal stuff around anyway (like most of my stuff!!)

I liked what you were talking about and i thought the mood you conveyed was really good - it gave me a very relaxed, chilled out feeling reading it - "that is where the beauty lies"

However, i'm not too sure about the structure/formatting. I actually thought it read better when i almost read it as prose rather than trying to read it as written. But then again i'm hardly an expert so i could be talking rubbish!!

I don't really have much to say in terms of crit for this as I think if anything were changed in terms of wording then the whole piece would change - and that would be silly - perhaps just the formatting to make it easier to read?

If you get chance could you look at "Dreams" - its actually finished now!! (link in my sig)
Quote by philjay
*Picks up TT like handbag and smacks you over the head like an angry granny *
Try that with your rocker 30


Latest Songs & Poems

[thread="1404112"] Blaze (Music)[/thread]
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[thread="960046"]Dreams[/thread]
#6
I liked the overall message of what you were trying to say. But to be honest with you. I didn’t like how it was represented. The whole Japanese thing was pretty good but to the whole river scheme to which it was compared didn’t cut it. But that can be me. The whole standalone line “this is where beauty lies “ provokes a pretty good vibe but is slightly confusing. Like u have to read the whole piece again to understand It’s meaning.

The river within itself is unneeded,
unimportant, and unnecessary.

I think u could replace the whole “unneeded… “ Thing with some brutal metaphor. So, that the whole comparison could appeal much more to the reader.

I am, sorry that u had to wait this long to get a critique. Life was little busy
Hi
#7
First of all let me start of by saying that i liked how you weren't being pretentious like a lot of other people on this forum...
Overal i didnt feel like there was much to crit.. i liked the metaphor of the fat jap i know this is a boring crit (if you can even call it that...) only thing i felt was kind of off was that it seemed as if the ending was kind rushed but this may be just my opinion
Boo!
#8
Quote by confusius
This is my first piece after a three week long block. C4C

the lazy river lies
languidly atop the i like the alliteration lazy lies languadly here. nice opening line i guess
bank. i've noticed this in your other piece too. your use of enjambement is so good.
An old cart, clamped
by the mud on the side
of the road, staring into the
distance...but this doesn't matter. i thought this was pretty good, until you said 'this doesn't matter'. It was rather bland, and i thought it ruined the whole atmosphere you built up with the previous lines.
The river within itself is unneeded,
unimportant, unnecessary. For that
matter, this whole situation is more it feels as if you went into a rant here, no more of the dreamy atmosphere left.
peculiar than an encounter between a
fat Jap and a skinny yank across the Philippine didn't like 'fat jap and skinny yank' at all.
border back in world war two. But
this is also irrelevant…

that is where beauty lies…
nice ending, but the poem itself couldve been better IMO. you started out so good and then it went downhill pretty fast




I didn't like this. I think I understand the message you're trying to convey, but certain things in the poem just didn't work for me.


edit: i critted two of yours, care to get to mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=657251
#9
Quote by confusius
This is my first piece after a three week long block. C4C


___________________________________________________________________


the lazy river lies
languidly atop the
bank.

this is wonderful. the enjambement and alliteration evokes the languid river, and the use of lineation to visually represent the meandering river literally above the blunt, heavy 'bank' is really, really nice. i love this opening.
An old cart, clamped
by the mud on the side
of the road, staring into the
distance...but this doesn't matter.
The river within itself is unneeded,
unimportant, unnecessary.
again, this is great. theres a real feeling of serenity here to me, some awesome pastoral images, its reminds me of horace actually, 'the forest sheds its woodland leaves in your honour' and so and so forth. yummy. i like the 'clamped' too. its got a neatness to it, the idea of 'clamped' to me evokes double yellow lines, parking attendants, but here its dropped in amongst quaint, pastoral things. which is neat. for what its worth, i liked the three 'u's, and the 'but this doesnt matter' please dont lose them. please. the 'u's are kinda pretty, and i like the abruptness of 'but this doesnt matter'. For that
matter, this whole situation is more
peculiar than an encounter between a
fat Jap and a skinny yank across the Philippine
border back in world war two. But
this is also irrelevant…


i wasnt so keen on this. i mean, it works i guess, and i kinda anticipated it based on the other things i've read by you, but i still just didnt like it that much. it felt too abrupt to me, too disconnected. i wouldnt have minded the change in content if it get the same poetic diction, or a change in diction if it stayed around similar content, but as it was it just felt a little clumsy, like it was trying a little too hard to be a little too clever.

that is where beauty lies…

neat ending though.

___________________________________________________________________



i did like this, i thought some of it was really well written, and i thought there was a real intelligence about the piece, which i liked, but i dunno... at times, it was just like you wanted to be too sharp, too witty. maybe its just me, but that was my response. in terms of practical advice, its difficult. this is what it is. i'd like to see the jap/yank section neatened up a little perhaps, though i understand why you might not want to, and to do so might make this something else, something it currently isnt. as it is, theres a certain detachment and irony that prevents it becoming lame and naff and other bad things. but yknow, sometimes its not a bad thing to embrace a little naffness. theres something touchingly genuine about being a little lame and accepting it.


any thoughts you can give on https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=657607 would be appreciated. its probably not my best work, but i felt like erring on the side of overambition, on the side of setting myself targets i'd struggle to achieve. i dont think i failed completely. who knows though.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#10
Quote by confusius
This is my first piece after a three week long block. C4C


___________________________________________________________________


the lazy river lies
languidly atop the
bank.
We've established the river is lazy, why use an adverb? I thin kit would be better if you ditched the 'lazy'
An old cart, clamped
by the mud on the side
of the road, staring into the
distance...but this doesn't matter.
I like this a lot until the ellipsis. Perhaps a line break would have been more suitable. However I like the personification, it gives a sense of neutral ground for later in the poem.
The river within itself is unneeded,
unimportant, unnecessary. For that
matter, this whole situation is more
peculiar than an encounter between a
fat Jap and a skinny yank across the Philippine
border back in world war two. But
this is also irrelevant…
While I like your Jap/Yank lines, I have to ask if you were on drugs writing this, because it seems to make very little sense I'm not quite sure why the river 'within itself' is unneeded, a simple 'The river is in fact unneeded...' I think would suit it better. Plus WW2 should have capitals. Told you they were always needed somewhere I'm not sure on the 'But this is also irrelevant...'. It comes across as too informal, too much like a conversation and not a piece of writing. You don't give a reason for it at all.

that is where beauty lies…
How many ellipsis's are you going to use? I think a period would be more effective, giving resolution to this otherwise good but strange piece.



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But I like this, it's quite quirky. Has huge potential.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#11
I like your style or mood or whatever you put this piece in, it's sort of eccentric and half joking but serious at the same time. The only part I didn't like was the line with the ellipses. However, personally I disagree with what I perceived you message to be.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#12
Drop the last two lines and you've got yourself an amazing piece.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#13
Hi There,

It's Free verse, and all a bit confusing, it's not a song, dont see the point of its like random thoughts no begining no end , waste of time .

Ever tried to write a real song.

Maybe thats not for you

Best wishes anyhow, but got to be honest.

Carter
#14
Hey there Carter. Guess what. I don't care.

I don't care if you are honest, I don't care if you have a problem with free-verse, I don't care if it made no sense, and I certrainly don't care whether it's "real" or not, because I can tell just from the rest of your posts in the forum that you obviously slander people off for the shits and giggles. So now, I speak in behalf of S+L, when I say:

Stop spamming.
Read advice on critiques.
Don't post a rant and try to pass it off as advice.
Keep remarks like: "maybe that's not for you" to yourself, I find them offensive.

Get out of S+L and never come back, because we don't like opinionated posts like that. We are a help-all forum. Not a slaughter-all forum.
#15
it was a beautiful piece if not a little spartan in places.
#16
the lazy river lies
languidly atop the
bank.
An old cart, clamped
by the mud on the side
of the road, staring into the
distance...but this doesn't matter.
The river within itself is unneeded,
unimportant, unnecessary. For that
matter, this whole situation is more
peculiar than an encounter between a
fat Jap and a skinny yank across the Philippine
border back in world war two. But
this is also irrelevant…

that is where beauty lies…


i liked it, i enjoyed reading it, like someone said kinda odd, but it works here. there is alot of imagery in this piece, which of course is good, i love it. oh and i didnt relize till after i read it was a poem, i know nothing about them expect how they sound to me, and again iam not the best at crit, but iam always glad to put my two cents in, and crit my new song if you can, its called a new day
Last edited by Greg_23 at Sep 10, 2007,