#1
You’d picture this, kid, at four in the morning,
The second or third wank, when everything,
Including that Catholic guilt, had numbed.
You’d stride her, gallant, hung like fresh-
Culled meat, as she seeps through silk, ‘till
She’d all but melted in your hands.

You picture this, kid, rather later than planned,
As, sand-mouthed, you move south and tug
Rough cotton from rounded hips. It’s not guilt
That greets you now, but a tangy, stale scent,
Making you gag between her legs until
But one sad, true thought remains –

You’d rather be wanking, watching your own juices
Seep sadly through your hands.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#3
I would have lost my virginity to this thread if I still had it.
It's well-written and original, I just feel sorry for you if she's stale, no wonder you'd rather be wanking.
Really though it's a witty piece with some good (if dirty) images, and a lot of guys have probably felt like this at one point or another.
Quote by Paul Lambeth
It's like having the best orgasm of your life ever, but in your brain, and the opposite of that.
#7
I LOVE your writing
Quote by Internal Chaos

9_11_4:
.


Quote by Slaytanic1993
...
I you 9_11_4, you like Chuck, Opeth, and don't mind porn, that = epic metul win.


Quote by webbtje


Ash, stop masturbating.
#8
What happened to doing fat girls?
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#9
Quote by broken_bottles
You’d picture this, kid, at four in the morning,
At first the flow stutters, and it can be confusing in that either your talking to a kid or your picturing a kid. As you read on it becomes clearer, but to start with, it does just throw off the reader.
The second or third wank, when everything,
Including that Catholic guilt, had numbed.
Over fussy punctuation I feel. Too many pauses.
You’d stride her, gallant, hung like fresh-
Culled meat, as she seeps through silk, ‘till
She’d all but melted in your hands.
Lovely. Well, not, but you get what I mean. Sounds nice. Disgustingly so.

You picture this, kid, rather later than planned,
As, sand-mouthed, you move south and tug
The comma after "as" can go. Actually, the one after planned should go, keeping the other two.
Rough cotton from rounded hips. It’s not guilt
I can't tell you how good a piece of imagery the south/tug line is. Good lord it's excellently good imagery.
That greets you now, but a tangy, stale scent,
Making you gag between her legs until
But one sad, true thought remains –
The wording of the way these last two lines go into each other seems odd.

You’d rather be wanking, watching your own juices
Seep sadly through your hands.
Eew.

Just think through the punctuation I think. A few too many commas made the flow too sticky. Christ, I should watch what I say in your threads.


I'll have something new in my sig today maybe, or tommorow.

#10
Thanks to all, esp to Jamie who bothered to crit.
I took a break from doing fat girls. Although, essentially the girl in this still is a curvy lass, there's a ref to it in there.

And how many of you horny pre-pubescents picked this for its title?
"You can never quarantine the past."
#11
Quote by broken_bottles

And how many of you horny pre-pubescents picked this for its title?


And how likely is it that you gave it that title for that exact reason (it obviously had nothing to do with the content of the piece).
Quote by Paul Lambeth
It's like having the best orgasm of your life ever, but in your brain, and the opposite of that.
#12
Quote by mattyp90
And how likely is it that you gave it that title for that exact reason (it obviously had nothing to do with the content of the piece).


Dude, did you not read the last to lines?

Or any of Alex's work to date?
#13
Quote by Jammydude44
Dude, did you not read the last to lines?

Or any of Alex's work to date?


Mate, I'm kidding, of course I read the whole piece.

Think about it :
1. I commented twice on it for a start, why would I comment twice on something I haven't read?
2. In the first comment I say
Quote by Me
No wonder you'd rather be wanking.
, indicating that, yes, I understood that the piece had something to do with the title and the reason why.
3. It's clearly sarcasm when I say it in (brackets), small writing and with a rollseyes smiley .

My point was that he was almost complaining that people read it for the title when it's surely a good thing to get more comments on your work.

I've read his Fat Girl piece too so I see his pieces are humourous, and assuming you're a fan of his, surely you have a sense of humour to see that I was joking. (Really, you don't even have to laugh at it, just know it's a joke, I'll settle for that).

Sorry to hijack the thread with my rant, TS, but I thought that was necessary.
Quote by Paul Lambeth
It's like having the best orgasm of your life ever, but in your brain, and the opposite of that.
#15
Quote by thrashmetal101
wow, i'm surprised I havent seen

*reported*

yet.


why? generally the S&L forums are very mature, this is just a sensible and extremely well written piece dealing with adult subject mater which most people would respect.

I really loved this piece, the title put me off at first but i'd read everything else new so I had a go, and was annoyed with myself for not doing so beforehand. Really nice work, took a stupid acne ridden teenage topic which would have been butchered by most people and really managed to capture the essence of the situation in a truthful way which alot of guys can relate too.

For some reason it reminds me of Simon Pegg's thing about "walking in on yourself" at the end of the series 1 finale of spaced, and if anyone knows what I'm talking about, well done you!

Good writing!
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#16
Jamie really said it all in his crit, but I'll have a look.

It's really difficult to crit something like this, where it's clear that you have put thought not into the piece in general, but into every line. The only things that stuck out were:

Making you gag between her legs until
But one sad, true thought remains –


Didn't really see how the first line connected to the second. Error? If not I really don't understand it. Perhaps it's just me?

You’d rather be wanking, watching your own juices
Seep sadly through your hands.


I didn't like this for some reason. You'd rather be wanking is fine, Just the "watching your own juices seep sadly through your hands. It's OK I guess, but up until now you've been talking about actions before orgasm, and now you've said he'd rather be wanking but at the same time watching juices in his hands? Surely he would of already wanked if he had juices seeping through his hands? Unless you're talking about pre-ejaculation, in which case it's fine ,but it just struck me as confusing.

I feel very strange talking like this on the S+L forum

Anyway, as I'm sure you know it's a terrific piece of writing, so congrats on that and I'm only sorry I couldn't find anything more definitive to correct.

You're welcome to take a look at Thirty Pounds in my sig (although I doubt it's your style), but I certainly wouldn't expect it as I couldn't help you too much.



Something unique finally.
Last edited by skagitup at Aug 22, 2007,
#18
Reported? Can someone do that? That'd be great, a certain notoriety.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#19
its cool, i liked it, probably cause i'm too used to "serious" songs about love and stuff, anyway, it was funny