#1
this is just part of a series of poems about oxford.
this is not very good.

cornmarket
continues its songs
all through the evening

on sunday afternoons,
there was a group that dressed up
as native-americans
and pretended to perform,
while we listened
to a well-produced
soundtrack.

at nighttime,
oxford natives sat in the alcoves
in front of closed stores
and strummed guitars,
while we passed by
and occasionally
glanced over


i remember the time
when we were bustling down cornmarket,
yelling about draco malfoy and ron weasley;
we could've been heard
all the way down the street

maybe,
one of the kids stopped playing
to glance over,
to offer us a measure,
so we could add our voices
to the cornmarket symphony.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Aug 22, 2007,
#2
It's nice but there's nothing that gr8 in it which i'll remember . I had read oxford also . I just want to say both the pieces have almost similar ending like in that piece the ending was something like "we added something to the city " and in this u are ending by saying "u added to the whole symphony". I mean up to some extent the meanings are same . I was expecting something different from it . I don't want to sound rude and offend u . I know how talented u are but i felt like expressing what i felt. I hope u won't feel offended and after all it's a const. forum.
Last edited by abhishek21 at Aug 21, 2007,
#3
^ Actually, I think it's a good idea. It creates continuity throughout the series. But I think that line you gave there should be used in place of the actual line in this poem. I don't know about the other one.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#4
'to a well-produced soundtrack.'
It is rather unclear if it is these fake native-americans that are producing the soundtrack. That would be the first problem if that is true. The second would be that you said they 'pretended to play instruments' which could either mean they were very poor at it, which would suggest it wouldn't be very well-produced, or that actually made no sound and perhaps lip-synced.
I suppose this just means this needs some clarity.

haha, I sort of wish you did more with the tone created by the "someone could have heard us" that was excellent. The rest wasn't bad, and overal this little poem was quite satisfying.

If you have time please take a look at mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=655215
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#6
This was good, but for me the biggest problem I have with a couple of your recent pieces is the tone.

It just seems scared to really express itself. Like it's just faintly describing what happens, like it's really nervous or something.

Something like a singer, but ones who's really scared and quiet, although a talented songwriter never really speaks hard from the heart, compared to someone who sings with authority and passion for his words.

I just think it would be better poetry if it felt like the piece wasn't scared to have a stronger voice, rather than what I feel is this faint narrative tone.
#8
I have to agree with jammy, the lyrics are written well to frame what you've put forward, decent flow rhythm etc. but they just feel a bit empty. It actually could be an interesting more philosophical piece if the ideas in the last line were sustained throughout the poem but as its is its just a bit devoid of a kick.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#9
Quote by punchupatatigge
that was very insightful of you, jamie.
thanks.


It was just something I've noticed lately of yours.

I tried looking back to some of your earlier pieces and you just seemed so more confident and authoritative and you could tell that just by your pieces.

Glad I could help Teg
#10
it's not that.
i like the atmosphere of my latest pieces.
i think it was insightful, because this tone is so important to the purpose of this piece, to me.
but you're right in a way, probably.
i don't know.
#14
jamie made the comment i wanted to make but wasnt quite sure how to articulate, so yeah.

all i shall say is that i liked this more than 'oxford' because this actually evoked the feel of cornmarket, all the kids/homeless guys sitting in shop doorways. thats the first thing i think of with cornmarket (well, besides japanese tourists inexplicably photographing the ugliest street in oxford), so it was nice that you put that in there.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#16
Quote by punchupatatigge
haha, yeah, the japanese tourists are everywhere


you wouldnt be laughing if they kept walking in the way when you're cycling to a lecture thats about to start .
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#18
st hughs. its on banbury road/woodstock road (it spans between the two). just north of st annes and somerville. west of lmh. its nice.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.