#1
As the darkness hides all hope,
And the moon has hung to hide,
Snow White, she builds up confidence
And creeps on back outside.
The axeman, quite revolting,
Chopped as quickly as he could,
She turned to him, quite nervously,
Asked to move on through the woods.
Yes, my girl, he said to her,
As he licked his toenails from the ground,
I think that you can go that way,
But it will cost you thirty pounds.


Back in Kansas City,
Where light was posting stamps,
Dorothy had built a house,
Was installing safety ramps.
The servant, he approached her,
A message in his hands,
She read it out, quite carefully,
said "You're building on our land".
Dorothy, she was crying,
The Servant brought her back around,
Said she could continue her work,
But it would cost her thirty pounds.


Snow White, she was progressing,
Overwhelmed by the forest's trees,
The seventh dwarf, jumped out at her,
And landed on his knees.
Snow White gasped out in shock,
Her eyeballs hit the floor,
The seventh dwarf stroked her hair,
And led her to his door.
"You can stay here for the night"
he said, and looked a little proud,
Snow White asked how much to pay,
It would cost her thirty pounds.


Dorothy was still creating,
The brickwork was a piece of art,
When the king and all his horses,
Emerged out from the dark.
They told her she'd been foolish,
"The servant - he's been cunning,
For he has surely made it away,
With all your hard-earned money".
She span her head in circle's,
Made awful screeching sounds,
For she was all out of luck,
And out of thirty pounds.


And in the hidden cottage,
Where Snow White slept in Peace,
The dwarves were smiling sadistically,
Preparing for a feast.
They gathered 'round Snow White,
Chopped her up, piece by piece,
Threw her into the boiling pot,
With margarine and yeast.
They laid her out quite neatly,
On the scales they had found,
If we eat half of her right now, they said,
We can still store thirty pounds.
Last edited by skagitup at Nov 11, 2007,
#2
depth on the way, but first glance, and the whole thirty pounds thing at the end really brings in the holy **** factor, eerie, in a good way
Get off this damn forum and play your damn guitar.
#4
not an obvious subject, and verrrry loooong, but it has a great style, its clever, sophisticated and witty. i like the way it all interweavs, it makes you want to read it again. its not overwhelmingly complex either.

only improvements i can think of would be to go over it, and try and get the rhythm flowing more like a story, it would help, especially as its kinda a parody of established stories, i like the dark twist on them too. the odd word in/out here and there wouldnt go amiss and make it easier to read.

cheers for the crit too.



p.s. its a very long piece, so if you want more detail, it shouldnt be a problem
Get off this damn forum and play your damn guitar.
#5
'progress'
this word sticks out to me as foreign in the context of the rest of this stanza, I'd change it
otherwise, so far despite the rhyme scheme(I usually quite dislike rhyme schemes), this is reading quite wonderfully. Fits well in with the fairy tale theme of course.

"And was installing disabled ramps."
ehh, a bit forced sounding here is all. Otherwise another good stanza.

'tree's'
trees* no possessive

"screeching"
some reason I'm just never a fan of the word screech.

ahh, good ending, I sort of hated it at first[the ending that is], but with the use of thirty pounds at the end it made it worth it. Good stuff here. A tad long, but worth it. Pointed out the things I didn't like, the rest was great.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#6
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
'progress'
this word sticks out to me as foreign in the context of the rest of this stanza, I'd change it
otherwise, so far despite the rhyme scheme(I usually quite dislike rhyme schemes), this is reading quite wonderfully. Fits well in with the fairy tale theme of course.

"And was installing disabled ramps."
ehh, a bit forced sounding here is all. Otherwise another good stanza.

'tree's'
trees* no possessive

"screeching"
some reason I'm just never a fan of the word screech.

ahh, good ending, I sort of hated it at first[the ending that is], but with the use of thirty pounds at the end it made it worth it. Good stuff here. A tad long, but worth it. Pointed out the things I didn't like, the rest was great.


Cheers man, i'll change what you noted.

Means alot coming from you.
#7
what did it mean

what was you feeling when you wrote it?

is there any message in there if you wrote it, it should be an expresion of what your feeling, unless you we're high wen you wrote this song didn't really say much, but if you we're stoned then clap-clap
#8
Wow, creepy! But very cool. I loved the thirty pounds bit, and the fact that you tied it up even after that gruesome ending by cleverly pulling through the thirty pounds line shows you really know what you're doing. Really, very impressive work. You have some very nice rhymes in here, not forced at all like so many people struggle with. It has a good rhythm to it and you can sort of hear it for that, which is great. I don't have any grammatical or structural suggestions to make, I just can't find anything else wrong that someone hasn't addressed as well as the fact that, well, it's hard to find things wrong with a good piece like this. :] I'm gonna go read more of your stuff now, I'm hooked.

Kudos to you for your cool writing style. I really like it, haha, if I haven't made that clear.

Curious question, what inspired you to write this?
#9
Quote by tulsa29
what did it mean

what was you feeling when you wrote it?

is there any message in there if you wrote it, it should be an expresion of what your feeling, unless you we're high wen you wrote this song didn't really say much, but if you we're stoned then clap-clap


It means nothing, It's just open to personal interperatation. I suppose if you want me to give you some story then I could make one up.



Seriously, I have learn't from experiance that no matter what message you try to convey in a song, it rarely comes across the same, so nowdays I just write open to interperation of anyone.
Last edited by skagitup at Oct 18, 2007,
#10
To be honest I wasn't that convnced to begin with. But I persevered and did greatly enjoy it: especially the climaxing final two verses, nice work
#11
Jesse's right with "progress" just sounds totally off-whack.

This was excellent, for a flow/rhythm/rhyme point of view. The content was, meh for me, not exactly my sort of thing, but it was extremely well written, clever and read brilliantly.

Okay, this piece beat me for a crit.

You're getting one on your next song, when you get a new one up.

Apologies, this was basically a good piece with nothing I have a problem with. If I went through it line by line it would be a waste of time.

I'll definitely hit your next one.
#12
I liked it alot, had to read it through a few times to figure out wtf was going on but when I got into the feel of it I really enjoyed it, witty, clever writing with a little bit of quirky darkness
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#13
Wow I Love This!
It has such great imagery and i love how it switches between "Snow White" and "dorothy".
Personally i think this is amazing.
It's very witty!
Last edited by HereWeGoAgain at Aug 22, 2007,
#14
Very creepy. It reminded me of Nick Cave's style alot - in rhyme and (obviously) the dark thematic material splashed with a little humor at the end. I don't have too much time to do this, but here are a couple of comments:

'On the scales they had found' feels short as a line to me.
'Dorthy, she was crying/the servant brought her back around" to the end of the stanza feels a little forced. There are a few more little spots like that where it doesn't quite flow, but nothing major. I liked it quite a bit.
Ernie Ball Musicman Stingray > Digitech BP200 > Gallien Krueger 400RBIII/115

Co-President of the fIREHOSE fANCLUB. PM Me, Tedrick, or Incubus_Science to join.

Quote by crazypeanutman

damn yertle, you got some groove
#15
Quote by Yertle
Very creepy. It reminded me of Nick Cave's style alot - in rhyme and (obviously) the dark thematic material splashed with a little humor at the end. I don't have too much time to do this, but here are a couple of comments:

'On the scales they had found' feels short as a line to me.
'Dorthy, she was crying/the servant brought her back around" to the end of the stanza feels a little forced. There are a few more little spots like that where it doesn't quite flow, but nothing major. I liked it quite a bit.


Cheers, I'll take a look at those bits, but it seems to flow fine when sung.

Nick Cave? He's a songwriter I presume? I shall have to check him out, never heard of him, but if his style is anything like this then he must be pretty good! (Joking of course)!

Cheers for the comments to you, and to everyone elses nice comments so far, if there's anything anyone wants me to crit, just link me up and I'm there.
#16
Havent got time to give this my full attention and i wanna crit it properly so i'll come back and edit this tomorrow after work (gotta pay the mortgage unfortunately!) I will say that this is a fantastic piece of writing, eerie and sophisticated, i had a few problems with flow and syllables and i'll point them out tomorrow but otherwise-another stunner from you! Stop this you're making the rest of us look bad.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#17
I really liked this, including the content (boo, Jamie ) because it is something I could have written were I in my mood of mythical things and whatnot. The rhythm in a couple of places was a little off, but it was nothing drastically bad. This was very faerietale-ish (excuse the spelling, personal preference) in it's mood and tone and it bounced along happily, even if the ended was not quite so. A really enjoyable read, this.
#18
Quote by skagitup
Cheers, I'll take a look at those bits, but it seems to flow fine when sung.

Nick Cave? He's a songwriter I presume? I shall have to check him out, never heard of him, but if his style is anything like this then he must be pretty good! (Joking of course)!

Cheers for the comments to you, and to everyone elses nice comments so far, if there's anything anyone wants me to crit, just link me up and I'm there.


Yeah - Nick Cave is an Australian, greasy looking songwriter who was originally with Birthday Party, a dark experimental bluesy post punk band, then began a solo career. 'Mercy Seat' is perhaps his most famous track; it's about a man on the electric chair and very haunting. In addition to his music, he has writted a critically acclaimed southern gothic type novel that I haven't read and penned a few movie scripts.

I'd start with Tender Prey.
Ernie Ball Musicman Stingray > Digitech BP200 > Gallien Krueger 400RBIII/115

Co-President of the fIREHOSE fANCLUB. PM Me, Tedrick, or Incubus_Science to join.

Quote by crazypeanutman

damn yertle, you got some groove
#19
Quote by Yertle
Yeah - Nick Cave is an Australian, greasy looking songwriter who was originally with Birthday Party, a dark experimental bluesy post punk band, then began a solo career. 'Mercy Seat' is perhaps his most famous track; it's about a man on the electric chair and very haunting. In addition to his music, he has writted a critically acclaimed southern gothic type novel that I haven't read and penned a few movie scripts.

I'd start with Tender Prey.


I saw a greatest hits album on the internet, so I'll probably go and pick that up from the local record store tomorrow. If I like it i'll definitely buy a few more of his records, so cheers for the info.
#20
Damn bro same parts of it had a really dark feeling and it was pretty damn good
#22

As the darkness hides all hope,
And the moon has hung to hide,
Snow White, she builds up confidence
And creeps on back outside.


Fantastic start, good rythmn, you set the scene well and introduce the character


The axeman, quite revolting,
Chopped as quickly as he could,
She turned to him, quite nervously,
Asked to move on through the woods.


I wasnt keen on the flow of the last line, I cant tell if theirs too many syllables or maybe its the word nervously used before the line, it seems to make the flow somewhat erratic, but as far as subject matter-brilliant!


Yes, my girl, he said to her,
As he licked his toenails from the ground,
I think you certainly can go that way,
But it will cost you thirty pounds.


Liked all of this except for the second line, again-it feels like there's too many syllables


Back in Kansas City,
Where light was posting stamps,
Dorothy had built a house,
Was installing safety ramps.
The servant, he approached her,
A message in his hands,
She read it out, quite carefully,
said "You're building on our land".
Dorothy, she was crying,
The Servant brought her back around,
Said she could continue her work,
But it would cost her thirty pounds.


All of this is good except the last three lines, its almost as though there are too many words, but the subject is fantastic and i like the introduction of another character. your use of language shows your extensive vocabulary without making this come across as flowery or difficult at all.


Snow White, she was progressing,
Overwhelmed by the forest's trees,
The seventh dwarf, jumped out at her,
And landed on his knees.
Snow White gasped out in shock,
Her eyeballs hit the floor,
The seventh dwarf stroked her hair,
And led her to his door.
"You can stay here for the night"
he said, and looked a little proud,
Snow White asked how much to pay,
It would cost her thirty pounds.


No problems here, I like how you describe the scene without waffling on about it, you describe the surroundings simply as a description of situation rather than to fill up space.


Dorothy was still creating,
The brickwork was a piece of art,
When the king and all his horses,
Emerged out from the dark.
They told her she'd been foolish,
"The servant - he's been cunning,
For he has surely made it away,
With all your hard-earned money".
She span her head in circle's,
Made awful screeching sounds,
For she was all out of luck,
And out of thirty pounds.


I think this is my least favourite part, its relevant to the plot but seems to completely interrupt the flow of the song.


And in the hidden cottage,
Where Snow White slept in Peace,
The dwarves were smiling sadistically,
Preparing for a feast.
They gathered 'round Snow White,
Chopped her up, piece by piece,
Threw her into the boiling pot,
With margarine and yeast.
They laid her out quite neatly,
On the scales they had found,
If we eat half of her right now, they said,
We can still store thirty pounds.


I love this as an ending, my only tip would be that i dont like the word sadistically, well i do, but it seems like too many syllables again, also instead of saying "right now" how about trying "if we eat half of her now, they said.." It just seems to flow better in my opinion.

Anyway, all in all this is a fantastic, interesting piece of writing. Its fresh and exciting and like i said before-you're making the rest of us look bad!
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#23
Thanks ALOT for the crit guys, especially damn-right, appreciate the full-crit, and will certainly take your views into account.

If anybody's interested or has taken interest in my previous works, I did a demo of "Shadow Show" a while ago, I didn't really like it too much, but since people seemed to love "Do You Agree?" another demo that I didn't like too much, I thought I'd throw up Shadow Show just to see what UG thought. It's full legnth this time, with a HORRIFIC guitar solo courtesy of 1 awful take where I made it up as I went along. But the vocals are strong at points, and I think it's a pretty good song.

Anyway, you will be able to check it out on my profile, in about 15 minutes.
#24
Quote by skagitup
Hadn't written lyrics or poetry in a couple of days, and wanted to keep my creativity going so I just wrote down what came into my mind and came up with this little kind of story/poem thing (might even turn it into a song if I can find some music in the style of Desolation Row by dylan or something). It's just for fun I suppose, just did it in 5 minutes, tell me what you think, or how I could keep the story going. Found some music and did a demo, it's up here - http://profile.ultimate-guitar.com/skagitup/


As the darkness hides all hope,
And the moon has hung to hide,
Snow White, she builds up confidenceI'd take out the "she" in there...I like it more without it.
And creeps on back outside.
The axeman, quite revolting,
Chopped as quickly as he could,
She turned to him, quite nervously,
Asked to move on through the woods.
Yes, my girl, he said to her,
As he licked his toenails from the ground,
I think you certainly can go that way,
But it will cost you thirty pounds.
Great intro here, I want to keep reading. You did your job....I'm loving it.


Back in Kansas City,
Where light was posting stamps,
Dorothy had built a house,
Was installing safety ramps.I'd take out the "was", same grounds of my last omission suggestion.
The servant, he approached her,
A message in his hands,
She read it out, quite carefully,
said "You're building on our land".
Dorothy, she was crying,
The Servant brought her back around,
Said she could continue her work,
But it would cost her thirty pounds.
Liked this verse also, the setting progression has me wondering, which is great, and the imagery is nice. Keep going...

Snow White, she was progressing,
Overwhelmed by the forest's trees,
The seventh dwarf, jumped out at her,
And landed on his knees.
Snow White gasped out in shock,
Her eyeballs hit the floor,I've seen this before, and I've never been struck by it. Then again, this piece isn't exactly the most realistic, so its cool. Nice piece, again.
The seventh dwarf stroked her hair,
And led her to his door.
"You can stay here for the night"
he said, and looked a little proud,
Snow White asked how much to pay,
It would cost her thirty pounds.


Dorothy was still creating,
The brickwork was a piece of art,
When the king and all his horses,
Emerged out from the dark.
They told her she'd been foolish,
"The servant - he's been cunning,
For he has surely made it away,
With all your hard-earned money".
She span her head in circle's,
Made awful screeching sounds,
For she was all out of luck,
And out of thirty pounds.
I'm having trouble with the scheme that's running through L6-8. I just don't like the away/money relation, I don't feel that it works. I think that phrase would still work if you just changed L8. It isn't a lost cause, I'd keep it, just modify that last part

And in the hidden cottage,
Where Snow White slept in Peace,
The dwarves were smiling sadistically,
Preparing for a feast.
They gathered 'round Snow White,
Chopped her up, piece by piece,
Threw her into the boiling pot,
With margarine and yeast.
They laid her out quite neatly,
On the scales they had found,
If we eat half of her right now, they said,
We can still store thirty pounds.
This kinda creeped me out. Very interesting ending you have here, and it is technically fine with me. The setting progression through this piece is great, I like it, The setting and stroy just dance with each other. Very nice.


Very nice piece overall...I liked it alot, few omission I would put in, and I had a little problem with those three lines. Other than that, I thought it was a very interesting piece, kinda staying in line with all the other fantasy pieces that have been floating around UG recently. Nice piece, very few flaws. Could you finish your crit of my piece, "Poetic License"? Its in my sig



Hope that helped you.
#25
I love it more now that ive heard it recorded, though you left off the last verses! I love how the chorus sort of sneaks up on you and the £30 was fantastic! This is completely different to how i read it, ignore my points about too many syllables.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#26
Damn it be, I wanted something to suck so I could throw a rock in your face; but unfortunently this little ditty is surprisingly above avg. Nursery ryhmes aren't really my fortay, but it did have a nice ryhthm going for it, and I'd figure at 90% of the rhymes seemed natural and unforced. It reads easily, which is good since it's pretty long. Begining was strong, I didn't like it intertwined, actually I'd say more of I wouldn't prefer it if I was writing it that way, but it was entertaining nonetheless. Ending was excellent. I wished there to be a better transition from the nieveness of the first half and the "Hannible" second half slash ending, but it's passable. Structure was brilliant, well maintained and at least from the appearance, well thoughtout.

if you like, I'm also quite proud of this one: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=605377
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