#1
I watched the wristwatch dial slow to a stop,
Or rather die. Time is measured in seconds.
I woke, humbled, curious about time
And whether getting a new battery
Is worth the waste of it.
I suppose the thought is well managed
To make energy and stir imagination,
Thinking strangely, differently, lovely
Lying about clocks creatively, mundanely.
A clock can’t die it just stops, breaks.
Making the world more recondite and strange.
I could only wonder why the clock died
30 minutes after i did.


C4C If you leave a linky
Last edited by TrigFunction at Aug 23, 2007,
#2
I watched the wristwatch dial slow to a stop,
Or rather die. Time is measured in seconds.


Nice start, quite creative. Got my attention.

I woke, humbled, curious about time
And whether getting a new battery
Is worth the waste of it.


Like the connection with time, you've kept my attention here. Still haven't pulled my feet away, but it's nice so far still. Good word choice and flow.


I suppose the thought is well managed
To make energy and stir imagination,
Thinking strangely, differently, lovely
Lying about clocks creatively, mundanely.


This is where the piece kind of gets a little boring for me, it seems to be dragging on. In terms of just reading it though, I love the word mundanely at the end. Great word choice, fits perfectly. And the flow is perfect. Just the idea and topic is getting a little tiresome at this point.


A clock can’t die it just stops, breaks.
Making the world more recondite or strange.


Love this, got my attention back again, great flow and it just for some reason works for me. Get's inside my head. Twiddles with something.

I could count on the terrorists
But can men change time into crystals?
Or do they tie their hearts to the ground
More then the native land loving skins.


I was really hoping you were going to bring in a rhyme with crystals here. For some reason I was just hoping you'd bring in the rhyme to kind of smack the reader in the face. Put him over the edge, but you didn't. It's still great though. I love the "tie their hearts to the ground. Best line throughout.


Spears can be sharper then bullets, yet less deadly.
I wonder if we could tilt the ground into something
Less boring or flat, if it would throw off time.


Didn't like the "yet less deadly". So far you've shown a great word choice, and brilliant phrasing, and this kind of puts you down a bit because you've been on such a high level before, not that there's anything wrong with it. Just that this is the first time a bit of writing has bored me, instead of the idea. Other than that, terrific.

Strange to think that the wristwatch died
30 minutes after I did.


LOVE this. Absolutely great end. For some reason, again, it just works for me.

Overall, I think it's evident that you're a talented writer. A talent for flow and word choice, but the idea just seems a little dragged on at times. The actual idea behind the piece get's boring, but you do a great job of keeping it interesting. I think that if you wrote about a topic that I found interesting, you would blow me away with your writing.

So congrats.

Crit £30? (in sig)?
Last edited by skagitup at Aug 21, 2007,
#3
'differently.'
This word is rather weak in comparison to the rest, and although it seems to be a point to have all these -ly words in there, I am not personally understanding the purpose of this, and it becomes rather bland to me in content, the flow however is very well done. So if there is a way to perhaps change around some of the wording without disrupting flow, that may make this better. Also I notice you repeat 'strange' which just kind of bugged me.

'But can men change time into crystals?'
whoa we just got very abstract eh?
I think we may need a bit smoother of a transition, it's a bit shocking.

Hmmm good ending. Good piece, I think I've seen time with the use of the clock as a device done better of course, it is a rather common topic, but this was well done, and I think with a bit more action and less abstraction it could be a more powerful piece overall.

also 'Is worth the waste of it.' This line seems to bring the whole poem to a screeching halt. I'm not sure whether to commend this, what with the content of the line, or suggest you change it.

If you have time please crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=655215
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#5
I really liked the piece of writing in itself in terms of flow, imagery, word choice, all brillaint but I just dont like the subject matter, I just find it a bit silly. So, an excellent piece of writing just not something I'm a fan of.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#6
Quote by TrigFunction


It's a great thing to know that your writing can be recognised even if you left it anonymous. Your style is just so you, and I think that's a great plus to have as a writer.

I watched the wristwatch dial slow to a stop,
Sounds great, excellent Mike.
Or rather die. Time is measured in seconds.
The way the die clause comes is is brilliant. Really good use of punctuation here. I'm not to sure about the second sentence. For now, it doesn't hold anything. I'm critting as I read and will be saying that this sentence needs changing if it isn't used later on in the piece.
I woke, humbled, curious about time
And whether getting a new battery
Is worth the waste of it.

Very interesting, clever Idea. However the wording of it is slightly awkward for me, which I thin does detract from it a little. I think if you take off "of it" here it would be much better. Really good here though.

I am curious about the waking up humbled part though. You never point out or hint your asleep in the opening parts, and I if "humbled" is directed at the first idea (wristwatch stopping etc) I don't think it's the right word. I just found it odd, the "I woke humbled", I didn't feel it fitted. Tell me if I'm missing something there.


I suppose the thought is well managed
To make energy and stir imagination,
Thinking strangely, differently, lovely
Lying about clocks creatively, mundanely.
"lovely" I think was weak wording. "lovely lying" just didn't work in my opinion. If you were trying to go for some sort of devious narrative where lying is funny or something then yeah, but I didn't feel it worked. I like this passage apart from that word. Reading on, I do feel you would benefit from having this as the start of a new stanza.

A clock can’t die it just stops, breaks.

either this or the last part to start a new stanza in my opinion. Just breaks this up a little and makes it look a little neater I think. Really great change of though here anyway, awesome directness.

Making the world more recondite or strange.
Not knowing what the word recondite means, in this context just the sound of it lets me have a good idea. Really top-notch diction for me here, this is a very good line. The vagueness of "strange" keeps this direct but mysterious, I dig it.

I could count on the terrorists
But can men change time into crystals?
Or do they tie their hearts to the ground
More then the native land loving skins.
Spears can be sharper then bullets, yet less deadly.

This whole passage I don't think belongs in this piece. I just think the end part you have is spoilt from this, I don't get how or why you suddenly turn your attention to terrorists/wars, and personally I was angered to see this passage in it because I really did believe this was a great piece. But I think it would be better without this part, I think the ending you have below is strong enough to not need this. Those lines can be used somewhere else but honestly I think they don't belong here, for me and the meaning I'm drawing form this, this part can go to hell.


I wonder if we could tilt the ground into something
Less boring or flat, if it would throw off time.
Strange to think that the wristwatch died
30 minutes after I did.

Absolutely awesome ending. Love it.





Apart from the points I made, and those few lines I don't think belonged, I absolutely adored this piece Mike. You better keep posting now because this was too good not to. Honestly, I thin kit's the best piece I've seen you post since I've been here.

I might be going over the top on that but I really dug this piece mate, for me it was something special.

In my sig if you could give it a quick one, no need to waste too much time on it

Thanks man.
#7
Jammy i just wanted to let you know i think your right about that stanza and took it off completely i think i tried to make more substance but i ended up getting off track. Thanks for your input its one of the few times when someone has critted and i agreed with them 100% and actually made a huge change to the piece.
#8
I think it's much better without that stanza you took out. You said it perfectly, it definitely looked like you were trying to put in too much.

Real good piece man, hope you keep on posting