#1
And my eyes stayed rose
And our sunny last days
Bored into my brain

Our skies where ablaze
Well hidden vultures
The atrition of years


Who will be the one?
Which one of us will succumb first?
It's my loss that turns us cold
As my embrace becomes chokehold

Who will be the one?
Which guilty party suffers worst?
You lies to me a hundredfold
My embrace turns to chokehold
#2
And my eyes stayed rose
And our sunny last days
Bored into my brain


Depressing but nice start, I liked the bit of imagery, but the word choice was a little weak. Left me wanting more. Words like Sunny?

Our skies where ablaze
Well hidden vultures
The atrition of years


Word choice MUCH better, alot better imagery for it. This is great.

Who will be the one?
Which one of us will succumb first?
It's my loss that turns us cold
As my embrace becomes chokehold


Love the last line. The first couple of lines just kind of went over my head a little. Nothing special about them, but the last line really captures me. Love that.

Who will be the one?
Which guilty party suffers worst?
You lies to me a hundredfold
My embrace turns to chokehold


Like the repetition here. Adds something to it, a good ending I'd say.

Overall it's a short but solid piece. At times it left me wanting more beacuse you kind of upped the pace a little (especially in the second stanza) and showed that you were a good writer, but then settled back down to an average vocabulary. I would reccomend revising and installing a little more imagery and more sophisticated word choice.

Don't get me wrong though, this is a really nice piece of writing and I enjoyed reading it

Crit "Thirty Pounds" in my sig if you can?
Last edited by skagitup at Aug 21, 2007,
#3
Thanks for the crit skagitup, I appreciate it. I admit the vocabulary was a little lacking in some of it, In my defence the lyrics were hastily produced only minutes ago at 2:15 am (UK time)