#1

Left Behind

We both stand here in the dawnlight,
rooted in this damp stew of leaves,
staring up at unfathomable oaks,
and dreaming of high branches.

You appear to wither and die
but really I am reaching
towards the lofty canopy
and aloof of condescending glances.

I look below to what I left,
nostalgic for our dances.
The greatness of mighty oaks
turns to poverty, mere fancies.

My feet are rooted next to yours
on the damp forlorn floor
and I hope one day you'll rise to me
so we may bask in the sunlight.


my best piece after a LONG break, leave me a link and I'll leave a comment even if it is a short one
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
Last edited by dnjoe at Aug 22, 2007,
#2
Hey man. OK right, the first stanza worked well for me, nice bit of imagery there. Not sure about unfathomable, messed up the flow a bit, but I'm sure that was just me.

Again, a well written second stanza, another good bit of imagery. The last line really did it for me, gave it that something.

Third stanza is the best, might be because of the half-rhyme of dances and fancies, it just added something, but I love rhyme's in a piece so maybe it's just a personal thing. Thinking about it, perhaps it looked a little forced.

I think the fourth stanza could do with a rhyme of floor at the end, just to resolve the whole thing, would of been nice.

Overall, it didn't blow me away, but that's the topic of the piece, not the writing. It's clear you're a talented writer, great word-choice throughout.

Nice going man

Crit myn?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=655194
#3
thanks man, I dont like unfathomable either but I tried a few other things in there and none of them fit nicely, I think the sounds of the words fits together well so I'm 'reasonably' happy to sacrifice my all important flow for a single line.

I also considered the half-rhyme looking a little forced due to the triple w
rhyme with "glances" but decided that it wasnt really that bad and the forcedness is outweighed by the positive rhyming.

and I can't do anything abotu the last line, I love the "forlorn floor" bit and I want to end on sunlight, so i'm kinda stuck. I'll have a look at yours as soon as I can, promise.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#4
'nostalgic for our dances
and the greatness of once might oaks'
This is word rather awkwardly, you might want to change it around a bit, and if you want you can always use 'nostalgia' instead when you're rewording. Oh and you need 'mighty'*. In fact reading over, you should change it to nostalgia and 'turns' to just turn, fr it to make grammatic sense.

'forlorn'
I think this word could be 'forest' and do wonders for the flow, and I wouldn't disrupt this piece with he unnecessary connotation of forlorn.

I really like this piece, the only other pitfall I had was the aloof line, but that wasn't too big a deal, more than likely personal preference. Not sure it needs to be broken into stanzas actually, but still, very well done, good diction without sounding like a thesaurus, and the rhyming the end of each stanza was a nice touch, whether intentional or not.

If you have time please take a look at mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=655215
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#5
'and aloof of condescending glances.'
This doesn't seem to fit with the imagery of the piece, and it feels out of place, when the rest seems more personal and introspective than about other people (except for the 'you' character of course).

I guess 'once might oaks' is a typo.

In the third stanza, the tense of 'turns' clashes with that of 'once'. I think that could be a nice couplet if the word 'once' was removed.

I like how the last line ends the piece in a different tone, and flows well from the line before, but I'm not sure about the last two lines both beginning with 'and'- the repetition of the word doesn't really look right, and it sounds a bit careless.

I really like this piece as a whole, it has nice continuing imagery and the stanzas fit together nicely.
Quote by XxLloydxX
How young would you consider no-pedo attempt
#6
thanks alot guys, made most of the changes to fit in with grammatical stuff as none of it actually damaged the flow of the piece.

I checked the definition of "forlorn" just to make sure I'd got the right word and it does make sense in the meaning of the poem.

The "aloof of condescending glances" is the only line which really gives a slightly clearer impression of what the poem is about and without it I think its true meaning becomes too opaque.

Mostly they were excellent suggestions to improve it so thanks a bunch guys, and thankyou for your nice comments.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#7
Quote by dnjoe

Left Behind

We both stand here in the dawnlight,
rooted in this damp stew of leaves,
staring up at unfathomable oaks,
and dreaming of high branches.

You appear to wither and die
but really I am reaching
towards the lofty canopy
and aloof of condescending glances.

I look below to what I left,
nostalgic for our dances.
The greatness of mighty oaks
turns to poverty, mere fancies.

My feet are rooted next to yours
on the damp forlorn floor
and I hope one day you'll rise to me
so we may bask in the sunlight.


my best piece after a LONG break, leave me a link and I'll leave a comment even if it is a short one


I actually really like it good use of imagery, not many rhymes but that seems to be your style. Its very good, but I dont think the ending line quite fits. Sorry just work on that line and it'll be ace!
O Hai der.
#8
Quote by TheThingKills
I actually really like it good use of imagery, not many rhymes but that seems to be your style. Its very good, but I dont think the ending line quite fits. Sorry just work on that line and it'll be ace!


normally I rhyme heavily in a strict rhyme scheme, but now I'm strongly moving towards letting the rhymes come as they do, for example I totally had not noticed that I'd rhymed the last lines of the 1st 3 stanzas and tbh, I like this style of writing better, just little rhymes lying where they will, and this way ive managed to put in some stuff that I would blabber on about in an analysis of the poem if I was reading it as someone elses which I honestly was not thinking of when writing, like the last stanza not having the last line rhyme fits in perfectly with the theme.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#9
I liked it alot, nice use of imagery the whole way through, I like the idea of using only a few little rhymes makes them all the more interesting, all round a very good piece, thanks for crit on mine as well, all of it helps. Nice work
Last edited by Riff Licker at Aug 26, 2007,
#10
thanks riff
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#12
Good critting already, so the only thing I'll say is that I'm not sure it works as a song. A poem definately, but getting music to match those words without overpowering them might be quite tricky.

But that's just my thought ...
Last edited by SugarRush66 at Aug 24, 2007,
#13
yeh it was meant as a poem.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#15
I'd need to listen it with the music. It can work out well, but it's not easy.

There are some parts that could be changed but I think the music is needed.
#16
Quote by dnjoe
yeh it was meant as a poem.


^^
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#17
Nice poem! I have to say, your word choice is excellent. I got some nice imagery from this, starting with "dawnlight". I can't really put together a harsh critique on this because I like it too much. x) I think the second and last stanzas are my favorite. Good job!
#18
Pretty good, I like how it brings it back in the end to the two subjects standing together. Great imagery, and even though you're not a fan of strict rhyming, you might want to add even a loose structure. But powerful imagery, good job.
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The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#19
I used to apply structure but ive come tot he conclusion that things work better if i just follow my gut feeling about whether it flows well and sounds nice or not. Rhyme schemes and strict syllable numbers seems to me to be merely a way of quantifying what sounds nice and what doesnt but I also find it leads to compromising the nature of the piece and the poetic sounds of the lines, if instead I stick to throwing out or keeping lines based on whether they sound nice in themselves and with other lines I get a better sounding piece thats more true to its roots.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#20
I understand, but I don't think you have to compromise content for the sack of rhyme. You can make the lines (or feet, whatever) as long as you want and you can change it up anytime throughout. But to each his own.
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#21
I think the imagery works well, however, I'd need to hear it sung to know how I actually feel about it. I've tried to get a rhythm with it, so I can tell how it flows... but I can't find one that works well. So I guess it depends how it will be sung. Overall, I feel it works well as poetry, in a freeform sense, which means it should translate well into song. And I certainly think your diction is amazing, I just can't say much on how it would be as lyrics since I can't create any style of beat to match it.
#22
I wasn't planning to do a full crit on this, and there isn't much to say that hasn't already been said.


Left Behind

We both stand here in the dawnlight,
rooted in this damp stew of leaves,
staring up at unfathomable oaks,
and dreaming of high branches.

"We stand together", or "Together we stand" are good options your could open with.

"Unfathomable oaks"derailed me.
The height and reach of the oaks would be, but not the oaks, themselves.
I dunno why that bugged me, maybe I'm the only one who reacted that way.


You appear to wither and die
but really I am reaching
towards the lofty canopy
and aloof of condescending glances.

"but really" suggests that the previous statement was false,
then you go on to speak of yourself instead. ?


I look below to what I left,
nostalgic for our dances.
The greatness of mighty oaks
turns to poverty, mere fancies.

My feet are rooted next to yours
on the damp forlorn floor
and I hope one day you'll rise to me
so we may bask in the sunlight.


This almost screams for "together" or "join me" or "reunited".
"rise to me" almost sounds arrogant.
If that's what you were going for I'm not sure why you were hoping.

Nice work. Don't take anything I say too seriously.
I read differently than most people.

You already did mine. thanks.
Meadows
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