Crit For Crit.

Pour my heart into a teaspoon,
Crack it in two and feed it to the dogs,
As it still pumps hatred into me,
For when I’m with you I’ll never be free.

This pain inside of me,
Consumes what I want to be,
Destroys my hope and liberty,
I can’t break free!

This hatred swallows me up,
I’m dieing trying to break free,
Yet my soul I would sacrifice,
Just so my hatred would be sufficed.

Your words cut through me,
Bullets for my brain,
Knives to my heart,
I’m sorry I just can’t stand all this pain.

You took the love out of me,
Cracked open my heart and set it free,
Now all I’m left with is:
Anger, Sorrow and Misery

This pain inside of me,
Consumes what I want to be,
Destroys my hope and liberty,
I can’t break free!

Stuck for eternity,
With this feeling of futility,
Her words say repeatedly,
You’re nothing to me.
O Hai der.
have you put it to chords yet. james hatfield says he cant write songs without the music, he said in an interview that he has to have the music and lyrics together, i guess the music and lyrics help each other when evolving, he said that poets can write a poem then go find the music later, either way i hope to hear the finished product, good luck
I Love This One Martin! <3
When you get your amp you should so make something up to go with it!
reminds me of a death metal type song, which in that case, I'd forgive the overuse of the words free and pain. If that is not the type of music, then I'd say I'd come up with a new way to deliver the message instead of just repeating "free" and "pain". I get that point easily enough from the title of the peice.
A Myspace introduction to:

It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
urghh, i dont like it, the repetition of that eee sound just grates me and makes it seem childish, that combine witht he overuse of cliched words like pain, free, liberty just makes it sound taccy and forced. If you put it to some music It would probably work as a decent metal song or whatever but from a lyrical standpoint I dont like it.

+ Just so my hatred would be sufficed.

doesnt make sense I dont think, but changing it to

"just so my hatred will suffice" is pretty much the same thing, makes sense and is a full rhyme.

For the future: I'd concentrate less(not ignore) on rhymes accross lines and the interconnections between them and focus more on making the lines or phrases within themselves sound good, mostly the rhymes or half-rhymes at the end of lines will just come through naturally when you write, and if they dont its probably a bad idea to put 1 in.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.