#1
I'm Standing on The Edge of this Cliff Ready to Take the Final Step

I sit at the edge of this cliff,
where all the **** began,
where I may just take the leap,
that'll bring me to my end.

But I remember all that we had,
and how much I want it back.
The mere thought of you saves me,
from my own deadly attack.

As I inch toward the edge,
I hear the waves crash,
fearing that death,
is the only option I have.

But I remember all that was lost,
and how bad I want it back,
The mere thought of you saves me,
from this deadly attack.

It all comes rushing back,(the happiness lost)
The war raging in my head, (as well as my heart)
It all comes rushing back (the happiness lost)
It all comes rushing back, back to my heart.

I remember all that was lost,
And the feelings I had,
The thought of you alone,
It keeps me back,
Back from the edge

keep in mind that this is the first song I have ever wrote... I could use constructive criticism rather than stuff like "this sucks" "what the hell were you thinking" etc.
Last edited by GreenSaosiner at Aug 22, 2007,
#2
so...is this like...about...um, the media?

WHY MUST YOU USE PROSE AND BE INDECIPHERABLE?!
Quote by vintage x metal
My toilet has seen some scenes that one would describe as 'deathcore'
#3
Quote by manmanster
so...is this like...about...um, the media?

WHY MUST YOU USE PROSE AND BE INDECIPHERABLE?!


What?

It's not about the media, It was about the **** that was happening with me when I wrote it. Though I really wasn't suicidal.
#4
i'm no good writer but all i can say is that your title is waaaaaay too long.
imagine that on an album
so just shorten it.
maybe: -standing on the edge
- final step
?
#5
thats probably a good idea... I always liked long song names though like "They Perch on Their Stilts Pointing, and Daring Me to Break Custom" or "The Difference Between Medicine and Poison is in the Dose"

idk I just like them but I admit it probably could use the shortening...
#6
mediocre piece

i really disliked this line "possibly to my end."
if you are talking about jumping off a cliff and ending your life you wouldn't say "oh, yeah i'm probably going to die. i mean, it is a possibility"

also back/attack is a cliche rhyme, try something different

i suggest changing the length of the verse or chorus up. having four lines in each is boring. maybe add a line at the end that rhymes with your first line in the chorus, making the pattern
A
B
c
B
A
#7
Quote by uhh_me?
mediocre piece

i really disliked this line "possibly to my end."
if you are talking about jumping off a cliff and ending your life you wouldn't say "oh, yeah i'm probably going to die. i mean, it is a possibility"

also back/attack is a cliche rhyme, try something different

i suggest changing the length of the verse or chorus up. having four lines in each is boring. maybe add a line at the end that rhymes with your first line in the chorus, making the pattern
A
B
c
B
A


thank you

this is what i came here for someone to tell me how to improve it...

but the whole possibly thing is more because hes thinking about jumping off. if he stays there he's not going to die but if he does he will hence the possibility.
#8
well if you are going for that perhaps change the lines to something like this
maybe i'll take the leap,
that will bring me to my end.


it brings what you wanted to say across to the reader/listener much more clearly
#10
I think it flowed really well and i think it would be better with music, but the one part i though was akward was when it said "I inch twords the edge hearing waves crash fearing that death is the only option i have" i didnt think it rymed at all.
#11
mediocre piece. Its a bit cliched, standing on the edge of a cliff, waves crashing below blah blah but thankfully there isnt any really glaringly forced rhymes and I think:

The thought of you alone,
It keeps me back,
Back from the edge

that saves it a bit, its a bit different.

In future: vary lengths between stanzas a bit or just not 4 line stanzas, even 8 is better, but in a simple piece dont stick to a simple structure, be a bit interesting.

When your taking a cliched topic make it your own, use metaphors, describe it in an abstract sense, just something other than repeating a scene thats been done 1000 times.

do something a bit interesting: tbh anyone couldve have written that song or something similar, make it a bit different, more personal, how is YOUR sadness different from evryone elses? Lots of people wanna jump off cliffs but why? Their girlfriend left them, why? keep going down into the real depths of it until you find the uniqueness and personality int he situation.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#12
WOW! damn thanks that will really help me alot and that may just be some of the best music related advice i have ever gotten dnjoe.
#13
REALLY? Wait till you see what some of the proper UGians come up with......
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#14
im just saying that was damn good. i haven't been here long but some of my friends have gotten some rather ****ty advice from some of the UGers. and some of it isnt advice its just stuff like wow your ****ing stupid
#15
i'd leave out the curse words. Just brings a real immature layer to the peice. I thought it was a good read though. The attack/back rhyme was terrible, and the most glaring forced rhyme. I think your topic is really over done, so it's hard to come up with something new. On the oposite side of that, I thought the imagery was decent. I liked the bridge if nothing more that to just break up all the 4 line stanzas and chorus. The song was put together well, has good structure, and the ending redeams the whole thing. So I guess some good and bad. Keep up the good work.
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