#1
This song has a LOT of faults..
I wrote it last night at 1am..
When sung, it sounds so much better.
Crit for Crit.

Hypnotised by his lies,
Down goes the sun,
And this is how it began,
He's ready to pounce (Ready to kill),

(Chorus)
Hold your breath in the darkness of the night,
He came and he saw but he might,
Not get you tonight,
Nobody knows whats around the corner,
Of the lanes they choose to ride forward,
He might spare your life until tomorow,
When the darkness is to follow
(When the darkness is to follow)

You saw everything he did to me,
But you wouldn't have stood up to testify,
So he just went to fly on by..

(this part sung by a male)
He seeks his oppertunity to strike,
Making sure he doesn't leave any fights,
He never loses any of his games,
So go on girl, Your the only one who can make him loose his game..

(Chorus)

When the darkness is to follow x4
Last edited by HereWeGoAgain at Aug 22, 2007,
#2
The first stanza didn't flow too well, but as you said I'm sure it would flow nicely sung. The chorus was really nice, I liked the rhyme scheme and you showed some good imagery. I think the darkness is to follow line seemed a little forced to me, I couldn't tell you why, it just seemed a little predictable. Could tell it was coming.

The next stanza worked well, liked the testify line, but again, last line seemed a little forced when I read it, but it may be fine sung, depending on the melody line.

The final stanza I didn't really like that much, for me all of the rhymes seemed forced and it just seemed a little cliche and predictable.

I would recommend revising, and clearing up some of the forced rhymes, but I'm sure the flow will be fine, as it's generally good and should be sorted out sung totally.

Overall, I quite like, would like to hear it as a song definitely. Good work man

Take a look at myn? (Thirty Pounds) in my sig?
#3
In the first stanza, shouldn't that be "began"? Could be wrong, it just sounds weird to me. I mean I know you were going for a rhyme there...anyway. I really liked these lines:
Nobody knows whats around the corner,
Of the lanes they choose to ride forward
They stood out to me for some reason. Other than that, skagitup made some great points and I've got nothing to really add to that hah. Keep it up.
#4
i like it,
first stanza fault, but you've realized that already,
chorus sounds nice (whish i could hear the thing played too music)
#5
Thanks for the comments!
I've changed the "begun" to "began" 'cos it sounds better.
As soon as i can, ill sing it to music.
Thanks again!
#6
interesting piece, not a massive fan of it lyrically but I think it would make a decent song and it has enough depth not to piss me off when I listen to it, so nice work as far as writing a decent song goes.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.