#1
EDIT: You can hear the song at my profile or here:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10495927#post10495927

I'm not totally sure about order, but this is the bulk of it.

I met a man - black contraband - I think he was in minor key
and in his eyes grey pearls would fly if just the noose would set him free
he gripped the rope that lead above and let the court martial proceed
the judge glared down the traitor’s crown and looked near enough to scream

he feigned an air (glass-hollow stare) and left no details to the mind
the burned out tank; the laugh, no fight, the smoking gun and blood in kind
buzz-cuts cracked and yolk removed the RPG danced like a swan
but for all the pomp and army stomp he still finds time to cry he cries:

(a) fodder fueled bottle rocket backwards before the sun
re-enlisted, bore the belt, lost my cool in the dead end sands

(a) cursed conduit / hell to hell took its toll on benedict brown
brought the birth and Satan's mirth at all the play in the dead end sands

the papers read “the crew is dead!” and claim that brown he needs to die
but fail to note in amid the smoke he saved from rape a shaking child
and while he toiled those he foiled all would spit and punch and tie
until the point the crippled court should hold no store he sighed

he’d prime the fuse end the abuse he’d always plot while on patrol
and send them all to da vinci’s grave while in the craft that powder stole
it was no loss he’d rationalize when the men to soar cut common lives
he popped a pill shook off the kill and went off to blow the hole he told:

(a) fodder fueled bottle rocket backwards before the sun
re-enlisted, bore the belt, lost my cool in the dead end sands

(a) cursed conduit / hell to hell took its toll on benedict brown
brought the birth and Satan's mirth at all the play in the dead end sands

he cries:

I don’t care what I get I know
I don’t what I get
Just don’t send me back to go
to the land of vets hell bent.

I met a man - black contraband - I think he was in minor key
and in his eyes grey pearls would fly if just the noose would set him free
he gripped the rope that lead above and let the court martial proceed
the judge glared down the traitor’s crown and looked near enough to scream


The title is a little temporary as well.
Ernie Ball Musicman Stingray > Digitech BP200 > Gallien Krueger 400RBIII/115

Co-President of the fIREHOSE fANCLUB. PM Me, Tedrick, or Incubus_Science to join.

Quote by crazypeanutman

damn yertle, you got some groove
Last edited by Yertle at Aug 24, 2007,
#2
Pretty good work man. I loved the flow throughout, the rhyme scheme really got it going. I usually don't like this type of rhyme scheme but u pulled it off brilliantly.

Really good word choice, but at times it lost me a bit, for instance when it started going into the (a) bits.. I'm not really sure if that's just me....

Overall I thought it was nice man, some great lines in there. Sorry I can't really suggest much but it's not really my style.



I'd be greatful if you could have a look at myn (Thirty Pounds, in sig) but I wouldn't expect it - I didn't really have any good crits for you.
#3
nice, very nice poetry, but sorta emo or alternative, i forget which is which, but maybe you like it that way.
#4
Quote by bry0n
nice, very nice poetry, but sorta emo or alternative, i forget which is which, but maybe you like it that way.


Welcome to UG

(Saw it was your first post)

EDIT: Sorry for spam, forgot we aren't in the pit
#5
i quite liked most of it
it was well written and held my attention

parts of it reminded me of craig finn's writing stlye (specifically the i met a man, the papers read, and he'd prime the fuse parts)

i've got too much to sort of do right now to do a more complete thing on this though...maybe i'll be back later
#6
ah I had a full crit out but my internet crashed
I'll summarize

"looked near enough to scream"
This seemed like it was worded just so it could fit the rhyme, and I think it needs some adjusting.

"he still finds time to cry he cries:"
Both times this sort of structure was used, it felt really awkward, and I think you should try and find a way to present this better, and it would just flow much smoother

"I don’t what I get"
I think you are missing a "care'' here.

Overall this was very well-written, could use some cleaning up, but I think the content was all there, and it was an interesting read. I think it might be a good idea to split up the lines a bit more, the lines are very very long. Good stuff.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#7
Hey - I'm sorry to bump, but a few of the critiques here have been addressed in the recording of it if anyone is interested - just little things that confused people earlier. I've also shortened it considerably, and taken into account a few of the tips. Thanks for the help.

If you care:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10495927#post10495927
Ernie Ball Musicman Stingray > Digitech BP200 > Gallien Krueger 400RBIII/115

Co-President of the fIREHOSE fANCLUB. PM Me, Tedrick, or Incubus_Science to join.

Quote by crazypeanutman

damn yertle, you got some groove