#1
Poem. [To avoid any confusion, kites are the birds of prey]

I couldn't get to crits from last time because I couldn't find time to get on the computer. I'll try my best this time round. This is a completely different style and direction (indeed, mood) from Gothic Masterpiece which, if any of you read, could be a harsh contrast. As far as I'm concerned, this is not finished. I need another couple of topics to write about for a third, perhaps fourth stanza. Any ideas would be appreciated and replied to with manhugs.



A golden glow; a golden hue,
washes across this lovely view
of valleys green and rivers blue
and skies cloudless and sapphire too.
Animals dance to symphonies
played on the wind; a gentle breeze.
Leaves of auburn rustle in trees,
and hark! the buzzing of busy little bees.

Lo! The night is a wondrous sight
with the moon glowing, giving pallid light;
with grass blades gleaming ever so slight,
and low from the hills come the calls of the kites.
A field mouse snoozes; gently rests.
A tiny heart beating within his breast.
Gathering himself for the midnight test,
to dodge the owls who wait by their nests.
#3
Clearly a skilled writer, you've worked the rhyme scheme terrifically, but didn't pull it off on the 7th and 8th lines of the first stanza for me. Seemed a little forced, and wasn't up to the standard of the rest.

I thought the "giving" was uneccesary in the second line of the second stanza, but that's just personal. You pulled off the rhyme scheme better on the last lines of the second stanza than the first, but they STILL seemed a little forced. It may be the flow of it, but it kind of ruins the piece for me. Makes it seem like you're just rambling a bit, when in reality (when you examine the actual lines rather than just reading) they are impressive lines. I'd say work on that, I can't suggest how to change it.

Overall, like I said, you are an extremely skilled writer, some lines just stank of professionalism. I loved it. Would have to be crazy not to. Would have to have one eye resting on my knee if I claimed to hate it.

Crit Thirty Pounds in my sig (if you can) but I wouldn't expect it - I didn't help much.
#4
"ever so slight,"
the use of the phrase ever so seems a bit like filler, but thinking back on this a bit it really goes with the light-hearted tone.

"Gathering himself for the midnight test,"
ehh. yes this does feel quite forced.

Now here we are with a very pretty picture of Nature, quite Romantic, well-written and enjoyable, if not a bit bland in the descriptions, I was a bit against the repetition of the 'gold'. But there is no real deeper meaning, you have a description without much purpose, and I suppose the goal would be to find it. Now, the easiest way to do this would be to introduce man into this picture, just so long as you don't go over the top with the transition.

So far so good
If you have time please take a look at mine:
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#5
The rhyme scheme of aaaabbbb came naturally because I had written the first four lines straight off without thinking where it would go, so I just carried it on, so I can't see any way around the forcedness of the rhyming without a complete rewrite, which I'm not too keen on at the moment because in my view the scheme makes it much easier to keep the tone light-hearted, bordering on whimsical.

The idea of bringing man into it was something I was thinking after I'd written these first two stanzas, but I thought, as it seems you may have predicted, seemed a bit drastic. I think it went along the lines of:

The smoke from the city billows a warning
[something something] and winters warming.


So it would go from a field mouse resting before feeding, to a city magically appearing over yonder. It just seems a bit sudden. I had two lines after it which I have completely forgotten, apart from the rhyming words, which were "dawning" and "morning" (just thought of "mourning" and I really should've thought of it before). Anything to make the transition gentler?
#6
Mice can frequently find their ways inside people's houses, you could follow the mouse's perspective for a stanza, a pretty simple way to end that perspective is the mouse trap, and then you are free to become more immersed in human activities.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8
Quote by Dæmönika
Poem. [To avoid any confusion, kites are the birds of prey]



A golden glow; a golden hue,
Personally, I disliked the repetition. I just see no reason for it.
washes across this lovely view
of valleys green and rivers blue
and skies cloudless and sapphire too.
"cloudless skies" I would prefer. I also think it sounds better with sapphire that way round. Tsk tsk, aaaa rhyme scheme from the same person that once said aaa "drove them insane" in one of my pieces. Ahaha. This is top-noth though.


Animals dance to symphonies
played on the wind; a gentle breeze.
Leaves of auburn rustle in trees,
and hark! the buzzing of busy little bees.
I think "played" is pretty boring and weak word.

Lo! The night is a wondrous sight
Props for the internal rhyme.
with the moon glowing, giving pallid light;
You've used glow in this piece, I think you need a syn for glowing here.
with grass blades gleaming ever so slight,
Slight felt forced in my opinion, it's sort of an unnatural thing to notice and for that it feels forced. for me that's the thing that makes it a forced rhyme, when you use an image or something that is a bit dodgy.
and low from the hills come the calls of the kites.
Eh, Kites, I don't know. If I was writing a piece and used some technical Jargon to rhyme I'd be accused of forcing it, and this sort of had the same taste to it.
A field mouse snoozes; gently rests.
A tiny heart beating within his breast.
Gathering himself for the midnight test,
to dodge the owls who wait by their nests.
Just got away with the rhyme in this last stanza here.

A good piece overall, however I wasn't enthralled by it. It was... nice.