#1
Hey, this is my first real song I've tried writing, umm crit for crit and if you don't like it, tell me why, need the critisism. Oh, and I'm not completely done so I'm gonna post what I have so far.

The Day


(Intro)
That was the day I was taken away
That was the day this all started
New kid on the block just doesn’t seem like fun
Seems like its done
But it just starting

(Verse 1)
Lost and confused now I’m searching for something
To hold onto or grasp
The people and memories are just slowly slipping
Thinking that this would always last
Some things you just wish had more control of
Some things you wish you could take back
Tear it up

(Chorus 1)
Why can’t you see this the same way that I do?
How can you tell I have changed?
It seems like everything I do
Makes this, all of this just O.K.?


(Verse 2)
It’s like that all this has just pulled us all apart
Rather than that sly remark that ever thing would be picture-perfect
All the promises and bribes, all the bull**** and the lies
If I had one more chance to do this over,
I would have declined
They say they save the best for last
Let’s not have another repeat of the past

(Chorus 2)
Why can’t you see this the same way that I do?
How can you tell I have changed?
It seems like everything that I do
Makes this, all of this just O.K.?
#2
Quote by JNapp
Hey, this is my first real song I've tried writing, umm crit for crit and if you don't like it, tell me why, need the critisism. Oh, and I'm not completely done so I'm gonna post what I have so far.
^so you've written fake songs??? lol

The Day


(Intro)
That was the day I was taken away
That was the day this all started
I don't care for how it repeats "that was the day"
New kid on the block just doesn’t seem like fun
Seems like its done
But it just starting
^But it just Begun

(Verse 1)
Lost and confused, now I’m searching for something
To hold onto or grasp
I don't like how it breaks here... just hangs.. but I point this out in every piece...
The people and memories are just slowly slipping
Thinking that this would always last
Some things you just wish had more control of
Some things you wish you could take back
Tear it up
just some flow issues with this verse..

(Chorus 1)
Why can’t you see this the same way that I do?
How can you tell I have changed?
It seems like everything I do
Makes this, all of this just O.K.?
I think you should repeat the 1st line of the chorus somewhere... I really like that...


(Verse 2)
It’s like that all this has just pulled us all apart
the repetition of the word all doesn't seem right... get rid of the 2nd one...
Rather than that sly remark that everything would be picture-perfect
All the promises and bribes, all the bull**** and the lies
^this line is quite good...
If I could get one more chance to do this over,
I would have to declined
They say they save the best for last
Let’s not have another repeat of the past
i think "lets not repeat the past" by itself flows better...

(Chorus)


Pretty good... for a first REAL attempt.. lol...
Promises meant a lot back then.
#3
Haha, what I meant to say is this is the first song I've written and put up on UG to be critted. But thanks so much for the tips, really helped.