#1
Verse 1:
I remember years ago when nothing mattered
Clothes on your back, shoes on your feet and it was all the same
Now times have changed and you can see that world's been changed and
I know you're wrong when you say it's all the same
I can see now, it's not us that are in charge, you asked,
"Please excuse me, what the hell are you wearing?"
Personality's been shot dead and the culprit's still at large, but it
Doesn't look like anyone has a problem with it

Chorus 1:
Don't tell me to stand out if you're sitting on your ass yourself
I'm sure you've got it all figured out, I can tell you don't need my help
I'm no individual, but I'm trying all I can
I'm waiting for a miracle, yeah, but
At least I can see right through you like everyone else

*bridge here?*

Verse 2:
Hey you, look at me now, I've got the throne
And more support, I think, than you ever had
You think I'd let you speak? Away from that microphone
Underdogs and rebels, now we don't look so bad
What's that you're saying, I'm now what you once were?
No way I would ever become what I worked so hard against
I hear police searching for the murderer
Now they're knocking my door but
It wasn't me, it's you that they want, right?

Chorus 2:
I'm just saying, try to stand out, 'cause you look like **** yourself
I've got it all figured out, and damn well don't need your help
See, I'm an individual now, but you've got to keep trying
I'm unbeatable now, or
Did I just kill the man I was trying to help?

*bridge/outro/another verse/something here*

any feedback and ideas on how to bridge the halves would be welcome...I also think I should have a recurring chorus (which actually has the same words all the time) in half-time or somesuch thing....
thanks in advance!
#2
Quote by ygokazuki
Verse 1:
I remember years ago when nothing mattered
Clothes on your back, shoes on your feet and it was all the same
Now times have changed and you can see that world's been changed and
I know you're wrong when you say it's all the same
I can see now, it's not us that are in charge, you asked,
"Please excuse me, what the hell are you wearing?"
Personality's been shot dead and the culprit's still at large, but it
Doesn't look like anyone has a problem with it

In this first verse, I can't figure out your syllabic pattern because all the lines have different numbers. and, I would suggest not rhyming words with the same words; like "same with same" It sounds forced and amateur-ish.

Chorus 1:
Don't tell me to stand out if you're sitting on your ass yourself
I'm sure you've got it all figured out, I can tell you don't need my help
I'm no individual, but I'm trying all I can
I'm waiting for a miracle, yeah, but
At least I can see right through you like everyone else

I'm not sure what you're trying to say in the chorus. Is it that someone is telling you how to dress and you don't appreciate that? If so, why are you waiting on a miracle?

*bridge here?*

Verse 2:
Hey you, look at me now, I've got the throne
And more support, I think, than you ever had
You think I'd let you speak? Away from that microphone
Underdogs and rebels, now we don't look so bad
What's that you're saying, I'm now what you once were?
No way I would ever become what I worked so hard against
I hear police searching for the murderer
Now they're knocking my door but
It wasn't me, it's you that they want, right?

It seems your verses here aren't really saying much. They appear to be groupings of awkwardly spun words that kind of make round-about sense. i would advise you really think about what this song is about. And if it's about nothing, make it a more interesting nothing.

Chorus 2:
I'm just saying, try to stand out, 'cause you look like **** yourself
I've got it all figured out, and damn well don't need your help
See, I'm an individual now, but you've got to keep trying
I'm unbeatable now, or
Did I just kill the man I was trying to help?

This theme of murder is recurring here, but doesn't make any sense in a song about clothes. see above.

*bridge/outro/another verse/something here*

any feedback and ideas on how to bridge the halves would be welcome...I also think I should have a recurring chorus (which actually has the same words all the time) in half-time or somesuch thing....
thanks in advance!



Now, if I missed the point of this song completely, forgive me, but I hope my advice is useful to you.
"There but for fortune go you or I"- Phil Ochs
#3
I'm just saying, try to stand out, 'cause you look like **** yourself
I've got it all figured out, and damn well don't need your help
See, I'm an individual now, but you've got to keep trying
I'm unbeatable now, or
Did I just kill the man I was trying to help?

You said it, now your trying it yourself,
It's now you, whose in need of help,
Look at the me I now stand out,
Now that I've figured what its all about,
I've given everything I have,
But destroyed all I tried to save!

I don't know if this is greatly structured, or how you'd sing it. don't know if the way I've set pretty much your lyrics slightly adapted, but if they help good stuff and enjoy

Also I think the message of your song is, people complain too much about things but never make a stand theirselves, so your making a stand against whatever it is in life thats putting you down, and you've tried to help someone out but you've ended up killing a friendship?

Am I thinking too deep if so I should smoke some more pot lol
Last edited by Rookieste at Aug 23, 2007,
#4
Quote by Made of Metal
In this first verse, I can't figure out your syllabic pattern because all the lines have different numbers. and, I would suggest not rhyming words with the same words; like "same with same" It sounds forced and amateur-ish.
OK thx...I think the rhythm works OK with the song (I'll record it eventually), and I'll avoid rhyming words with the same word.
Quote by Made of Metal
I'm not sure what you're trying to say in the chorus. Is it that someone is telling you how to dress and you don't appreciate that? If so, why are you waiting on a miracle?
That's right, the miracle bit is supposed to be sarcastic (him waiting for a change in authority/influence).
Quote by Made of Metal
It seems your verses here aren't really saying much. They appear to be groupings of awkwardly spun words that kind of make round-about sense. i would advise you really think about what this song is about. And if it's about nothing, make it a more interesting nothing.
The first verse is lamenting about having to fit in and wanting to rebel; the second verse is about getting so many "followers" in the "rebellion" that you are the new authority.
Quote by Made of Metal
This theme of murder is recurring here, but doesn't make any sense in a song about clothes.
It's individuality's murder.
Quote by Rookieste
I don't know if this is greatly structured, or how you'd sing it. don't know if the way I've set pretty much your lyrics slightly adapted, but if they help good stuff and enjoy

Also I think the message of your song is, people complain too much about things but never make a stand theirselves, so your making a stand against whatever it is in life thats putting you down, and you've tried to help someone out but you've ended up killing a friendship?

Am I thinking too deep if so I should smoke some more pot lol
Thx for the lyrics, that's definitely the idea of the song, but I'm not gonna rip you off xD, just use it as a springboard kinda thing. Smoke more pot anyway, lol. Thanks!