#1
Ok, so, I wrote this yesterday at 3am because I couldn't sleep (even though I was very tired). The name kinda just popped into my head and I don't know if I really like it so I may not keep it (even though I then used it as a line). It reminds me of STP but thats just probably just me

C4C
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verse:
I feel so happy waiting here
Lost everything that I held dear
Lack of soul, souls can't cry
Hold you close while I die

verse:
My last impression let me down
Trip and fell at the sound
Hurt myself on the grass
It's not as bad as the last

chorus:
You deserve, more than time
I can't help but pass it by
(I) Need some time to get back
Lost a man in a paper hat

verse:
So much I need some more
Can't help but think that I'm not sure
(I) Hope that you don't have too much time
Left without a goodbye

chorus:
You deserve, more than time
I can't help but pass it by
(I) Need some time to get back
Lost a man in a paper hat

verse:
I feel so happy waiting here
Lost everything that I held dear
Lack of soul, souls can't cry
Hold you close while I die


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks
©
Last edited by pinkhaze29 at Aug 24, 2007,
#4
I liked it and for some reason it just seems like a song written at 3am.

The usage of words are really cool too.
Is this gonna be an acoustic piece? a softer mysterious toned instrumental would probably work with the lyrics well.

BTW thanks for critiquing my song pinkhaze...
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#5
Yeah. I was thinking acoustic (maybe tuned down a half step) through the whole song then heavy distortion on the last chorus.

&no problem
#6
This is a very nice piece, I liked it a lot, lyrics done very well, and the title I thinks awesome, all round a nice piece, and acoustic would sound awesome with this song

Oh and thanks for criting mine
Last edited by Riff Licker at Aug 26, 2007,
#7
Sweet. Nice one. Hmm. The only problem I had was this line:
"Lack of soul, souls can't cry" didn't really do it for me. It felt rather, shall we say, out of place with the mood and tone. Which is actually a compliment, because the tone is very good. =) No song is perfect, of course, and further posting this piece on sites like tunesmith.net and musesmuse should be able to smoothen out all the minor flaws. Great job. Can never stick to a rhyme structure meself. Crit 4 crit?
#8
i actually really liked the line "Lack of soul, souls can't cry".

Good lyrics. well done.
.... before turning the gun on himself
#10
The first two verses are amazing, the rhyme pattern is perfect, and just reading it, everything comes out so smooth. The chorus is great too, but I'm not overly fond of the third verse, the pattern seems to be off a bit.

But all in all, a GREAT song.
#11
Really nice...I like it. What zeppelinpage4 said about it seeming like a song you wrote late at night is something I agree with. It just has that sort of vibe. Very cool.

I actually liked the third verse. And the way you repeated the first verse at the end was interesting--it sort of tied the whole thing together. The one thing I did have a problem with was this line: "It's not as bad as the last". It didn't really fit with the rest of the second verse, or at least I didn't understand the connection. What's it? The last fall you took? Anyways, my point is, it sounds a little out of place and it came off as a forced rhyme to me.

All in all, it's a good song and I really like it.

Could you look at one of my songs in my signature? Either 40 Days and 40 Nights or Forever and a Day, if you would. Thanks.
Last edited by insertwittyname at Aug 25, 2007,
#13
This is pretty good. Like someone said before me, I can see this as an acoustic piece. You also have some great lines ("My first impression let me down" is a great line that I'm sure people can relate to.) Nice job.
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#17
----------------------------------------------------------------------

verse:
I feel so happy, waiting here,
Lost everything that I held dear.
Lack of soul, souls can't cry... *
Hold you close, while I die.

verse:
My last impression let me down,
Tripped and fell at the sound.
Hurt myself on the grass,
It's not as bad as the last.

chorus:
You deserve, more than time.
I can't help but pass it by.
(I) Need some time to get back, You could even use 'take' instead of 'get'...IDK why but I usually don't like using 'get', sounds too common.
Lost a man in a paper hat.

verse:
So much, I need some more,
Can't help but think that I'm not sure.
(I) Hope that you don't have too much time, I'm confused by this line. The previous verses indicate that you have wasted all of "you"'s time, and then you're not sure whether or not they have too much?
Left without a goodbye .

chorus:
You deserve, more than time.
I can't help but pass it by.
(I) Need some time to get back,
Lost a man in a paper hat.

verse:
I feel so happy waiting here,
Lost everything that I held dear.
Lack of soul, souls can't cry...
Hold you close while I die.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Nice piece. Does this hold sentimental meaning?
I was a jerk about the punctuation, but I guess it really doesn't matter much since it's going to be sung anyways. Also I tried not to undo your punctuation inside of verses to avoid throwing the mood you wanted.


* Is having no soul relevant? I'm not sure if you're talking about a fictitious man (the one in the paper hat) who would have no soul, but otherwise I'm baffled.

Lost in the paper hat -->
#18
Really interesting. Maybe an 'I Am The Walrus' psychedelia vibe?
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#19
Pretty good, not just a run of the mill love song.

Check mine out, I have a man in a paper hat too...you plagiarist
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#20
The flow through this piece is pretty good, with the exception of the lines "(I) Hope that you don't have too much time+Left without a goodbye." Maybe chagne it to something like "(I) Hope that you don't have too much time+Left without saying goodbye" or something like that to extend the second line. Overall, I just thought this song was okay, I'm sorry. I just fealt like some of the lines didn't do it for me, and gave this feeling that you wrote some of this lines just because they rhyme. Maybe I just don't see the connection within some of the lines. Another good thing about this piece was that words that rhymed did not seem forced at all, albeit some of the lines were a tad cliched ("souls can't cry+Hold you close while I die" is an example). Most of my criticisms of this piece however, I believe, where just desicions that YOU made while writing consciously, and thusly, not something that you would change. So more so, don't take it personal, and keep on writing. Let me know when you put something new up. God bless.
#21
The Rhymes are v,g, but the story is weird, Cant make head or tail of it , there are interesting lines but it's too ambiguous, but that would not matter if you have fantastic music. And recorded it yourself.

Best Wishes From Carter J.