#1
This In my oppinion, was a bad attempt at poetry. but I had my first lucid dream last night, and it felt awesome and I thought on how I could use that as symbolism and I got this.
Enjoy


The Location between Conscious and Unconscious
I stared at the clocks hung above my bed
And across the walls.
Each one speaks of different sides
To one single story.
It seems hard to believe just
One of them.
So I begin to lose faith
In there words
I exit the room without
Any second regret
The first one was gone when I walked in.
I examine the Outsides for a simple solution
I looked out across to the neighbor’s house
I saw the answer when I looked through there window.
There was no light
So I went to sleep
You see it was that time,
It was night,
Midnight to be exact.
My body laid on the bed.
Head on pillows edge.
My mind wanders off somewhere I can’t follow.
And with that my eyes shutter close, and
The dream takes over.
I was left on a cold floor.
In my old restaurant
It started of as sane to Unconscious.
Then conscious became jealous
He maneuvered his way in
I have no restaurant!
I awoke;
No, not in my bed
Not there again.
I awoke,
On mountain tops.
I stood up, and felt the wind
I felt the wind.
I began inflicting pain to my upper arm
To see
If this was reality.
Nothing;
I reenacted my last steps.
It seems I have lost pain.
You see there is no useless symmetry
Lucidity is no exception.
Few words are known to describe this feeling
After a while of standing.
I felt the weight on my back.
Wings, and those of an angel too,
Have been placed on me.
I started to look for my center of gravity
(Is this even considered sanity?)
I couldn’t hold balance,
I had to jump.
I flew
I flew!
I could feel it all at that moment, everything
But then something happened.
All of it seemed to be fading in a last blow
I tried, to get it back.
But I awoke
In the last place I wanted to be:
Consciousness.
And when I tried to recall back the feeling
All that came back
Was the excitement of lucidity.
And this, was worthless to me


EDIT: this is the revised copy


C4C just leave me a link
Last edited by thefoundationof at Aug 25, 2007,
#2
i like this poem quite alot, overall it flows well and the use of vocabulary is good, occasionally your missing a syllable(e.g. the last line) but mostly it works well. Nice poem.

link in my sig if you would be so kind
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#3
"And yet with same results."
you'll need to change this to make it grammatically correct. "with the same" would be an easy fix.

"Wings, majestic they where."
were* + I really dislike the syntax here.

"I took off, and the feeling felt great"
great? a bit boring don't you think?

"but futile where these attempts"
were*

well I would agree this wasn't the best, mostly because the diction was so boring including the fact that you said lucidity several times, and you explained yourself too often. There are better ways to tell a story than "Jack went to market. He picked up some milk. He came back home. I would try thinking a bit more abstract, and playing with the point of views or something.

If you have time please take a look at mine:https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=655215
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Aug 24, 2007,
#4
nice lyrics man
you should try a smaller title
but the meaning is ****in awsome
Rhymes
Above
Poetry
#5
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
"And yet with same results."
you'll need to change this to make it grammatically correct. "with the same" would be an easy fix.

it's a poem man, lyrics you know.
who cares of the ****in grammar.
expressing your feelings is main point!!
Rhymes
Above
Poetry
#6
^Chill out. He's trying to help with every aspect of the piece.

It's not your place to decide what is helpful and what isn't.
This is not a pipe
#7
Yeah, I sort of agree with Knife. The wording was too straight-forward. I think it would make a better piece if you kept the meaning more discreet, or atleast til the end of it, cause like you say this is a good topic.

I liked this bit: It started of as sane to Unconscious.
Then Conscious became jealous

it was nice. It's the only part though that really made me feel like anything was actually occuring.
#8
i barely read any of the other comments but i did agree with one thing, the wording was a bit straight forward and threw off any flow you started to create.

took off, and the feeling felt great

this line in particular kinda makes me cringe while i read it. 'the feeling felt', is way to awkward and describing what you just called a feeling with the word felt just doesn't work and i think you could be a little more creative there.

also
'but futile were these attempts'

the wording here again is a bit awkward and could be said in a different way to make your ideas flow better and keep the reader engaged on the piece.

overall i really liked the idea and i think you could really improve this piece by fixing a few minor flaws.

7.5/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=657020

there is my piece if you have time