#1
Have you ever been with a person who made you feel lonely?
Chit chatting the night away. Bumming some cigarettes off
Of the girl who I don't know. Or the guy that I don't know.
Or the people I've never met. Or the people I'll never meet.

"And this is him, and this is her, and this is everyone else."
I don't know you, or you, and I don't know you neither.
Ain't that a cryin' shame? 500 million seconds worth of
Loneliness, set loose by a night around town.

Set loose from my out-of-it mind, and into my out-of-it heart.
With a breath of fresh smoke, I felt a connection to a stranger.
Sure I'll never see him again. Sure I knew it wouldn't happen.
But a connection I can't have was all it took. Bitter sweet smoke.

I felt a connection.
A connection that can only be felt with a
Breath of fresh smoke.
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Aug 25, 2007,
#2
Quote by DorkusMalorkus
Have you ever been with a person who made you feel lonely?
Chit chatting the night away. Bumming some cigarettes off
Of the girl whose ass perpetually hangs out of her shorts.
The girl who I don't know. Or the guy that I don't know.
Or the people I've never met. Or the people I'll never meet.

This stanza does well introducing the theme of the piece, however, I don't like the line break between lines 2 and 3, and the ass bit is always a touchy subject as comments of that nature sometimes work beautifully, but other times they seem just a bit immature. Unfortunately, it didn't really work too well for me here.


"And this is him, and this is her, and this is everyone else."
I don't know you, or you, and I don't know you neither.
Ain't that a cryin' shame? 500 million seconds worth of
Loneliness, set loose by a night around town.

The first couple lines are a bit too repetitive for my taste. The next two lines do a better job further conveying the theme without getting too in your face about hammering down the idea. I dig 'em.

Set loose from my out-of-it mind, and into my out-of-it heart.
With a breath of fresh smoke, I felt a connection to a stranger.
Sure I'll never see him again. Sure I knew it wouldn't happen.
But a connection I can't have was all it took. Bitter sweet smoke.

This wasn't bad, an interesting idea, I guess, that something like smoke could connect someone feeling so alienated to a complete stranger, but I just find the phrasing of the first two lines a little off. I wish I had something more constructive to say than, "I don't really like it", but I can't really pinpoint why they bother me.


I felt a connection.
A connection that can only be felt with a
Breath of fresh smoke.

This seems a bit repetitive as it's basically restating the last stanza's message, you could probably do away with it IMO.


Well, this was sort of hit and miss for me. It's above mediocre, but I wouldn't say up to your standard, judging from your other work. Would it be too off to guess you've been having a bit of a block lately? Anyway, thanks for the crit and whatnot.
#3
As for the line about the girl with the ass...I think I'm losing my mind. I wanted only 4 lines in each stanza. And for some reason I no longer can count. I'm taking that line out. The repetitive parts...I liked them. That's all there is to that. Hahaha. I don't know. It works for me, and my thought process I guess. Thinking about the events that occurred that night, I tend to go in circles, arriving at the same conclusions.

As for me having a block lately? I guess I wouldn't call it that. I don't write much, and when I do I usually click "start new thread" and write it then and there, which is what I did for this. What I write here is only to get it out of my mind. I don't save it afterwards. So no block really. Maybe this one just wasn't as good as the rest. Plain and simple.

Thanks, btw.
#5
I agree with Nick that the last part seemed to repetitive.

I guess you could re-word it to lose that edge because I like the idea of a last little summing up part, but it was tedious.

all in all, another very good piece.
#6
i assume this piece is a song, not poetry. as poetry, i wouldnt be so keen. it'd be a little awkward, but i think as a song, this is swell. its got a real pavementesque vibe going on to me, maybe thats just me being silly and theres no real justification for it, but thats how it felt to me. the feeling i got was that it was about that whole thing where you're out and about with someone you know, (and possibly care about) who seems to know everyone and it just makes you feel so, as you said, 'lonely'... and of course, the irony is that when you feel a bond, its with someone with whom you have no real, tangible connection at all. but maybe i'm wide of the mark.

i liked the last two lines of the second stanza a lot, and the first one of the 3rd stanza. i thought they had a certain mojo. i dont like 'chit chatting'. i think its just a really naff sounding phrase. in a way, i feel the last two lines of the first stanza would be better with commas, but i think the periods work well in their way... the 'sure's in the third stanza... i dunno. i like them if they mean 'i'm sure i'll', but i dont like them if they just mean 'sure, i'll never do such and such'. i hope they mean the first. without hearing you say it, i cant be certain which you're doing.

overall though, i thought this was pretty neat. its a nice song. as poetry, i wouldnt be so keen, it'd be just a bit... bleh. but it works as a song. i just think there are a few things i'm not keen on. but theres nothing too bad.

sorry for the crummy crit.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.