#1
Looking over at your lass I see she's doing fine
Centre of attention and downing a bottle of wine
I'll say if she was my bird I'd tell her to cut it out
But a single word from you and she'll begin to shout

The corners of her smile are reaching up to the stars
And there's guys purring over her body wondering how to take her apart
She flicks and flutters her eyes as the boy in front of her stutters
And mother nature's looking the other way as she leaves oh

Giving you two the once over it'll take more than a glance
Your bleary eyes are dreaming of a bit more than romance
To dazzle is to over do but not to bother just ain't right
So try the leather whips and you might have a frisky night

Her hands are reaching for the headboard and grasping for relief
There's some other guy all over her in a way he's a sleazy thief
He sticks his fingers in places to randomise her faces
And you might as well look the other way for the rest of the week

Too late
There's nothing left to look for
So don't turn your head around
No don't turn your head around
Too late
But at last it's off your back mate
Don't turn your head this way
No don't turn it back this way oh

She's long gone into the distance in a blur of drugs and drink
It might hurt to hear it but it's a lot worse than you think
The guys all called her dummy because she loved to suck
So goodbye to the dummy
You make your own luck, love


C4C
#3
i dunno, maybe its just me, but i'm a little weary of the whole observational with a dry sense of wit schtick. i just think it feels a little, i dunno, cynical maybe. in trying to seem very unartificial and get a sense of natural conversationalism, i think things often end up feeling overly constructed and insincere, and unfortunately, i found this to be the case with this one. i didnt think it was witty enough and i didnt find the images striking enough to really excite me i the way i might hope, and thats how pieces like this can stand out, by a striking image or a striking witticism. as i read it to myself, i found myself exaggerating my yorkshire accent, which i'm afraid sums up what i felt about it. it just felt too much like the lyrics by too many bands that all do something thats so similar and so easy to be really dull, and it didnt have the things that can make that whole style interesting. i guess it just didnt work for me. sorry.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Aug 25, 2007,
#4
ok thanks for the crit that was probably the best advice id ever gotten and im gonna take it to heart and its just wierd cause when i write songs for a my band that im tryin to start but my other band members think if you use big words or words people wont understand they think that the song is too complicated and wont work, i totally disagree with that so i try to write songs that are like the one you crited but now i could totally care less and from now on im only writing songs for me and again thanks for the great advice it will help tons in the future and i plan on reading it before i write songs thanks (: and on to your crit

as far as rhyming goes it seems very simple on the first look cause i mainly noticed the end rhyme and the aabb style but i what i liked was in some lines there where some rhymes in the middle like

I'll say if she was my BIRD I'd tell her to cut it out
But a single WORD from you and she'll begin to shout

theres a few others too but i just picked that one

overall i really think this is a solid piece but a few things could be better nothing really stands out in this piece its not bad its just nothing really grabs my attention the last verse is the best though and if the rest of the song was as great as this one then it would be a great song

next time you get another piece up pm me im gonna crit another one i owe you two
ED REED BABY
#5
stick that in an arctic monkeys aldum and it would fit perfectly, i actually found myself reading it to the tune of balaclava. Its not a brilliantly done song in that style, but there's the occasional witty line, it flows well and would probably be very popular if your band did it, and to whoever said it was easy, ive been trying to write something in that style for a while and i just can't do it. Always sounds too awkward, I probably should have another go though.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#6
I like that you're being dirty, first off.

It is very Arctic Monkeys, which hit me immediately and did bug me. I do like that you're not afraid to write a song amongst all the pseudo-intellectual rambling we get on here. It did come off as clunky in quite a few places and seemed to indicate someone without their own voice as a writer, more sub-Alex Turner.

Be yourself.

Unless this is you, in which case, I really don't know.

Christ, I'm really bad at critiques.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#7
Definitely very Arctic Monkeys-ish, but it's not bad. I think it could do with being shortened though, I started to lose interest halfway through, and the 5th verse was really boring, unless you desperately need it for the dynamics of the song, I don't see it keeping anyone's attention. Other than that and a few awkwardly phrased lines (stanza 4, line 2 in particular), it's pretty good considering it'll probably translate nicely into a song. Thanks for the comment by the way, and it's good to see you again too.