#1
thats a working title i just made that up but um this song was made listening to the White Stripes so it sounds along the lines of something they would make but crit4crit


WORKING TITLE

With every step we take, we might stumble and fall,
It’s just a curse that we get from having feet.
Every word we speak could turn everyone against us,
Funny how our words got everyone with us.
With every glance we make, we might see something,
We never wanted to see, but that’s just one more risk,
That I’m willing to take.

I wouldn’t call it risk and reward,
But id still put a warning label on you.
A little harm does a little good.

I’ll go ahead and sign the waiver,
Just come on and do me a favor,
Sign it with me, trust me it’ll help
A little danger can go a long way,
If it’s not a game you wanna play,
Don’t expect to be picked first.

You may give up a lot,
For something so seemingly little,
But that’s ok, we all deal with it one day.

If you live on the edge, you might get pushed off,
But that’s what I’m here for,
Ill catch you, cause hell knows I’ve been there before.
ED REED BABY
#4
mostly good flow, occasionally it loses it but overall good. Nice message coming through, quite interesting, and mostly your rhymes worked well. Good job. A decen solid piece fo writing.

choices in sig if you would.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#5
thanks yeah ill probably fix the flow when i write music to it
ED REED BABY
#6
"stumble and fall" is a weak, over-used phrase.

Two lines in a row end with "us" in the first verse which is extremely poor. The word "every" also turns up too many times for it not to get tedious. I also think the wording of this is just too... simple. I'm not saying go in for the metaphorical style, but a little bit of flair and uniqueness goes a long way.

I said this to someone else (and it turned out to be a poem, so.. this better be a song) you need to be a cocky bastard to be a songwriter and you need to be a bit more original in how you say things. You've got to put them across in your own way - this, well, this is the standard, this is how you would explain something to some dumb guy. Your not putting your own spin on it (the chorus is a good example of making it more unique and thoughtful.)

That's what I'd hope to see from you in the future. I think you have the potential to be a good little songwriter but you have to grow some balls and use the words to say what you want to say in a way you want to say it. Get an attitude (btw I'm not saying be angry and sweary) but make sure that every word you write down is the word you want to use, and that your not conforming to any rhyme scheme for the heck of it or using cliches.

I have something in my sig if you could return. Many thanks.

(oh, and try not to post after every reply. Every 3-5 yeah, but after everyone will piss people off because your bumping )