#1
Am I more
Than what you're settling for?
Am I the toy soldier
You thought I could be?
I hope you know what I mean
When I say
"This doesn't mean a thing
To me."


When push comes to shove
I'll be the one that gives up
Why can't I be the one you love?
#2
Great poem, and thankfully very clear. I'd love for it to be longer
The poem describes a ton of background behind the person speaking. Vague, yet still full of meaning.
#3
Thanks man, I really appreciate it. If you have a link to one of yours, I'd love to check it out.

Anyone else?
#4
I really like the wordplay. The last line really ties the piece together. It's hard to say anything about it cause it's really short. It'd be great if you could make it longer and pour a little more description into it.

Take a look at mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=658516
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#6
Yeah, this was a great poem, a great read, I too would like to hear more of it, but if you wish to leave it at that length thats fine, the ryhming is magnificant, and everything seems to run together perfectly, all round great job!!

If you feel like looking at mine, the songs are in the sig
#7
Great job.

I loved the rhyme scheme through the whole poem, and the use of syllables.

Ide like to see a little more to this, it could turn into a great song.

Crit one of mine? in muh sig.
#8
Thanks to everyone who left feedback; and I will try to get to all of your guys' peices today. I'm off to work for a meeting right now, but when I get back I'll make it happen. Thanks again.


Anyone else?
#9
The poem is great, I personaly wouldn't try to make it longer, for fear of messing it up, but if you could find a way to lengthen it withough messing up the flow, it would be great.


If you dont mind checking out my song...I dont know how to post links, but I think it's on the 2nd page right now,

its called "Nothing Perfect"
#10
great little poem, very poetic, great rhyming and flow and a nice, simple meaning behind it but well presented. Excellent job. Exactly what it should have been.

choices in my sig if you be so kind
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#11
Alright, I'm back home. I will try to get to all of your guys' stuff tonight, but if not, I'll finish tomorrow. Thanks again.

Anyone else?
#12
wow, this was rather short...but it has so much emotion packed into it. honestly i reallllly liked it...from beginning to end. the only line that was a little iffy to me was the 'when push comes to shove' line, but after i read it again it was fine. Its great as it is, but if you wanted to make it longer i don't think it would take anything away from it. I personally would of preferred it longer just because it was enjoyable to read. It seems like you could get a lot more out of the 'toy soldier' idea if you kept going with it. still its great though.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=657864
#13
I think it's rather trite. What do the rest of you see in it that makes is so great? The rhyming isn't magnificent; it's fine and dandy, but "Am I more than what you're settling for?" That's not profound. I don't mean to rip you apart here, but I think most of these fellows only left you a crit so you'd look at their pieces.
"There but for fortune go you or I"- Phil Ochs
#14
Quote by Made Of Metal
I think it's rather trite. What do the rest of you see in it that makes is so great? The rhyming isn't magnificent; it's fine and dandy, but "Am I more than what you're settling for?" That's not profound. I don't mean to rip you apart here, but I think most of these fellows only left you a crit so you'd look at their pieces.


trite? i can't say i've read a lot of things on here that are able to seem simplistic without being cheesy. Who cares if the rhyming isn't magnificent? for me its about the feeling you get from a piece rather than reading something and just being impressed by it technically. Although the idea behind it isn't exactly original...the way he approached it is. I think it sums up feeling inadequate in a relationship perfectly.
#15
Quote by anOnyMouSanIe
trite? i can't say i've read a lot of things on here that are able to seem simplistic without being cheesy. Who cares if the rhyming isn't magnificent? for me its about the feeling you get from a piece rather than reading something and just being impressed by it technically. Although the idea behind it isn't exactly original...the way he approached it is. I think it sums up feeling inadequate in a relationship perfectly.


I suppose you're right. My apologies if I was harsh.
"There but for fortune go you or I"- Phil Ochs
#16
Hmm. Unlike the other posters I just did not feel it man. I really got no feeling of who you were and what you were feeling. It just seemed like another love song.

The title really impressed me but the rest was just a little dissapoiting. The tiny font and everything made the poem cute. But that's all it really was.
Smile alot today... okay?
#18
Nice job. You have some very good wordplay and your feelings come through. I just wish it was a little longer.
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#19
Thanks to everyone who left feedback, and sorry it took forever to respond.


But since I'm here, anyone else?
#20
I like the flow and the wordplay of this, and although it's simple it means a lot. That said, there's so much more you could do to expand this its kinda... I dunno, a wasted oppertunity. There is surely so much more that you want to say about the situation? Or even jsut a snapshot of it that you could get across if you went a litle more in-depth, and I'd love to see that.

I have a couple floating around, just search my name and you will see them, if you want to take a look




love is a dog from hell.