#1
i presume that this is what i had to change. anyway, this is the original post again.

Hey, this is the first time ive ever written lyrics, as i usually just write the music. This is a song i wrote for my girlfriend, and its about long distance relationships. We're in one, and she gets upset when one of us has to go home, so i wrote this to make her feel better about it. Tell me what you think about them. All positive and negative comments are welcome, and if you can suggest anything, that would be great!

1st Verse:
We’re lying here together,
Holding you in my arms.
The morning light wakes us,
With the music from my alarm.
I fell asleep thinking,
About the times that we’ve had,
And how happy you make me,
And how you never make me sad.

We know that it’s our last day,
But I’ll be with you very soon.
I cannot wait until that time,
Barcelona in June.
I’ll get to see your family,
And have coffee with your friends.
I’d travel the world to be with you
Because I never want this to end.

Chorus:
I know it’s hard to say goodbye,
And I do not want to see you cry,
We’ll make this work if we just try.
But you know whatever we do, Ill still be loving you

2nd Verse:
The days together go so fast,
Just where did they go?
But the time we have is special,
That, we both know.
Don’t worry about the distance,
We’re going to pull through
Words online every night,
Bring me closer to you.

Its feels different when I go to sleep,
I lie here alone
I spend all night thinking of you,
And how you’re on your own
I take a look around my room
There’s an empty space in bed
I known I have to be here,
But I’d rather be with you instead

Chorus:
I know it’s hard to say goodbye,
And I do not want to see you cry,
We’ll make this work if we just try.
But you know whatever we do, Ill still be loving you


I've edited the original lyrics, thanks to the suggestions that ive been given. I have recorded the new version, and its on my profile, and in my sig

Cheers

Neil
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Last edited by theneildeal at Sep 1, 2007,
#2
Great song, I realy like it....the only part I dont like is how you say you talk online every night, I realy dont know why it irritates me...I personaly would have said somthing with a telephone. But I like it

and if you dont mind, my song is on the second page,

'nothing perfect'
#3
cheers mate. i want to use "talk online" because my gf lives in spain, and i can't afford to call her from england, so we talk on msn. Its one of the lines that i can't change.

Im glad you like it.
UG's Stock Market Guy

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#4
It's very good. The rhyme scheme is excellent and everything flows very well. The best thing about it though, is that your lyrics show how much you care, and they are great lyrics, too. Excellent work, your gf will enjoy this song a lot.
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#5
cheers mate, i really appreciate that!
UG's Stock Market Guy

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#6
the talk online line part annoyed me as I thought you just added it in to help the flow of the song but you actually have a valid reason for it being in there so fair play to you. The chorus is very moving.

and cheers for the crit on mine
#7
Cheers mate, the chorus was quite difficult to write, probably because i kept changing the meldoy and chords! Im going to record the song, so ill put it up on UG soon. Check it out when its finished!
UG's Stock Market Guy

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#8
I'm in the same situation with my Girlfriend right now and these lyrics are easy to relate to, so good job.

I actually like the line about talking online every night, because it makes the song seem modern and more personal to your relationship specifically (since this is a song for her).

Also, I would recommend titling the song something that makes her happy or a special day/event that you two have shared. Titles of songs don't necessarily have to be included in the actual lyrics of the song.

Hope this helps.
-Kole
-Ultimate-Guitar's Songwriting Guru
-www.KoleMusician.com
-www.TheNextStepGuitar.com
#9
cheers mate. i was actually wondering if people in this situation can relate to it, and im glad that you can! I hope to have it recorded by th eend of the week, so be sure to check it out!
UG's Stock Market Guy

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My Recordings:

Dissident Blues
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#10
Hey, ive recorded the song. its called "we'll make it through". the link is in my sig
UG's Stock Market Guy

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#12
what?
UG's Stock Market Guy

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#14
I listened to the recorded version of the song and I have a few constructive criticisms.

1. I think the music could be a bit more expressive with the lyrics. I would have liked to have heard a crescendo/decrescendo in intensity and some unique sonorities on lyrics like "Sad."

2. You have a good vocal tone, however your pitch and breath support are lacking. I would recommend visiting www.thevoiceconnection.com and purchasing "Raise Your Voice." I have the book and have personally studied with Jaime Vendera and it is 100% worth it.

All in all though, the song was catchy and I liked it.

Peace.
-Kole
-Ultimate-Guitar's Songwriting Guru
-www.KoleMusician.com
-www.TheNextStepGuitar.com
#15
I've not listened to the recording, so I'm just going off the lyrics.

I don't like the 'online' part for this reason: you say this will be a blues song. To me, blues has a timeless sort of feel, and putting something so mechanical as the Internet in sort of breaks the tone. I know that it's meant to convey something in reality, and it's a sentimental thought. I think it works well as a message to your girlfriend, but I think that it hurts the song as a song.

Also at times it felt overly sentimental...like you're using generic, blanket observations like
"
The days together go so fast,
Where does the time go?
But the time we have is special,
That, we both know."

Everyone has used "special" to describe love, so it's not a compelling description anymore. If you were to use more detail, something more relevant to you and you alone, then the song would resonate more, I think. There are other places you do this, like

About the times that we’ve had,
And how happy you make me,
And how you never make me sad.

"The times that we've had" is too unspecific, and the other two lines seem to simplistic to convey real, strong emotion.

If you please, take a look at mine, "Breakup (a poem)." Don't worry, it's not as sappy and emo-y as the title makes it sound.
Can't stop the signal.
#16
Quote by theneildeal
i presume that this is what i had to change. anyway, this is the original post again.

Hey, this is the first time ive ever written lyrics, as i usually just write the music. This is a song i wrote for my girlfriend, and its about long distance relationships. We're in one, and she gets upset when one of us has to go home, so i wrote this to make her feel better about it. I wrote the music for it, but i haven't recorded yet. Tell me what you think about them. All positive and negative comments are welcome, and if you can suggest anything, that would be great! And if anyone can think of a title, i would be grateful

1st Verse:
We’re lying here together,
Holding you in my arms.
The morning light wakes us up,
And so does my alarm.
I fell asleep thinking,
About the times that we’ve had,
And how happy you make me,
And how you never make me sad.
I would delete "up" from the third line, and I would change the wording of the fourth line to something like "Like the music from my alarm." I like this, nice piece so far

We know that it’s our last day,
But I’ll be with you very soon.
I cannot wait until that time,
Barcelona in June.
I’ll get to see your family,
And have coffee with your friends.
I’d travel the world to be with you
Because I never want this to end.

I'm not going to reccomend changing anything here, I like it once again

Chorus:
I know it’s hard to say goodbye,
And I do not want to see you cry,
We’ll make this work if we just try.
But you know whatever we do, Ill still be loving you
Change in theme here, bu that's alright considering the circumstances. Might catch her off guard though
2nd Verse:
The days together go so fast,
Where does the time go?
But the time we have is special,
That, we both know.
Don’t worry about the distance,
We’re going to pull through
We talk online every night
It makes me feel closer to you.
Change line two to "But just where did they go" and I'd change the last two to "Words online every night, bring me closer to you.
Its seems so weird when I go to sleep,
I lie here alone
I spend all night thinking of you,
And how you’re on your own
I take a look around my room
There’s an empty space in bed
I known I have to be here,
But id rather be with you instead
I wouldn't use the word "weird, I'd change it to "different" And for grammar's sake, the last line "id" should be "I'd"

Chorus:
I know it’s hard to say goodbye,
And I do not want to see you cry,
We’ll make this work if we just try.
But you know whatever we do, Ill still be loving you


Cheers

Neil


Very nice piece you have, I hope I gave you a fairly comprehensive critique. I like the style, didn't get lost in language that is inappropriate for a piece of this style, and I like that. Good luck with the girl, and good luck with your writing. Hope to see you back. If you could, I'd appreciate a crit of the piece in my signature..."Poetic License".
#17
Thanks for the crits everyone!

Kole* - i am interested in doing some voice training, but ive got braces at the mo, and i'll be having an orthodontic operation soon, so i'll see what my voice is like after that! Cheers for the link.

search49 - i understand what you are saying about the "online" bit, but as you also said, i should make it more relevant to the relationship. Because we're in different countries, we have to talk online. i started with wanting to say something about talking at night, but just to make it more meaningful, i had to use "online". To me blues is about expressing your feelings, and having no rules about what to write about, but im sure that it is diffeent for everyone. I know that some of the lines are a bit generic, but because my girlfriend speaks english as a foreign language, she might not get it if i used metaphors etc. i really appreciate the detailed crit, and i do plan to tweak some of the lyrics, and ill consider some of your issues. Thanks!

rockinlespaul - thanks so much for that crit. i think i will use those changes! Im glad that you liked the song. Like i said at the top of the thread, this is my first attempt at lyrics, and im really pleased with the responses that people have been giving me, so i will definitely try writing lyrics again! Cheers mate!
UG's Stock Market Guy

Hablo Español
Wǒ néng shuō Zhōngwén

So you can speak to me in English, Spanish or Chinese

My Recordings:

Dissident Blues
El Farol
Lenny
We'll Make This Work
Stop This Train