#1
i know this has probably been done a hundred times, bu the search bar doesn't work, so... here's another one

*imagine you're in a saloon with cowboys* *also imagine funny accent*
there are two cowboys talking to each other, and the first one says: Do you know Ricardo the Killer ?
the other one says: well, i was at a saloon once, and Ricardo the Killer walks in.
He says to me: Drop your pants.
ehh.. what could i do ? he was Ricardo the Killer, he had two pistoleros, so.. i drop my pants.
then he says: drop your underpants. ehh what could i do, he was Ricardo the Killer, he had two pistoleros, so.. i drop my underpants.
then he says: shit. ehh what could i do he was Ricardo the Killer, he had two pistoleros, so.. i shit.
now he says: eat your shit. ehh what could i do, he was Ricardo the Killer, he had two pistoleros, so.. i eat my shit. and you ask me if i know Ricardo the Killer ?? WE HAD DINNER TOGETHER !

i personally find that one hilarious

let the hysterical laughing begin !
#2
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Can I have a ....................................................... pint of guiness"

and the barman says

"Why the long pause?"

and the bear goes

"Cos Im a bear!"


Fail
#3
So two musicians and a drummer walk into a bar...
"We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment"

Tool, anyone?
Alter Bridge, maybe?
A bit of John Mayer?
Some beethoven sounds delightful, as well.
#5
two blondes sit on the floor.
one falls off
i luv that 1
Gear:

Encore copy of a Les Paul

Line 6 Spider 3 30 Watt
#7
Quote by :Revenga:
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Can I have a ....................................................... pint of guiness"

and the barman says

"Why the long pause?"

and the bear goes

"Cos Im a bear!"


Fail


no fail, WIN!
#9
Quote by Pedalboard
So two musicians and a drummer walk into a bar...


haha
drummers get no respect
Quote by csn00b
I hate seeing cute girls topless and what not, it just feels wrong.
#10
Quote by Pedalboard
So two musicians and a drummer walk into a bar...


Two musicians walk into a bar and Mike Portnoy beats the sh*t out of them.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#11
Quote by The red Strat.
what was crap ? mine ? and what is 'pun' ?

Yeah, the Ricardo one. A pun is essentially a play on words. Your joke was about crap. I said it was crap. Hence the pun.
#12
Quote by jpgilbert701
haha
drummers deserve no respect


Fixed.


No really, drummers are dead good... honest.
#15
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?


Getting raped.


I know I always tell that one but it's a classic.
#16
haha,
it took me like, 5 minutes to realize wth that drummer joke was all about.

Quote by Generalpwnt
Will 6/66 involve gratuitous orgies with midgets and clowns?



Quote by musicianamedave
Kill his dog...then nail the dog to a cross. Use said cross to anally rape his mother.

Then give him the old Monkey Grabs The Peach!

#17
Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Cos he was a fungi!


What does Beethoven take to the supermarket?

A Chopin Liszt.


What's red and sits in the corner?

A naughty strawberry.
Friends, applaud the comedy is over.


I'd dance with you but...


#19
Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's Dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His Dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his Dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."

"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses."
#20
Quote by umop-3p!sdn
Yeah, the Ricardo one. A pun is essentially a play on words. Your joke was about crap. I said it was crap. Hence the pun.

ah i love the joke

i just didn't know what 'pun' meant.
#21
ok here we go

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

"First I come out, wearing a tuxedo, playing Brahms. Just as the music reaches a crescendo, my wife in an evening gown runs on stage and undresses me before dancing provocatively on top of the piano.

Just as I finish playing the song with my ****, my wife strips and does a backflip off the piano in a split on stage. Once her naked ass hits the floor, my 7 year old daughter and 13 year old son rush on stage juggling flaming lawn darts. My wife does a handstand and catches the lawn darts in her ****, she then manages to queef them out, making her the third part of this juggling act.

The queefs force her to squeeze out a few turds, which I eagerly start smearing on my naked body, which arouses me quickly. Once I'm fully aroused my daughter and son take turns blowing me while my wife straps on a monstrous dildo and begins reaming each child while i ejaculate in the eyes of my offspring.

Once I cum, I run into the audience, ****-covered body still sticky with cum and grab my parents and in-laws to involve them into the act. I strip them all nude and instruct them to start a circle jerk while screaming racial slurs. So my mother and father-in-law start screaming, "**** the ******s" while mutually masturbating, and my father and mother-in-law begin diddling one another and chanting, "I hate spics and jews!" Once they reach a geriatric climax, my wife uses their ejaculate to lube up her fist which she uses to start fisting me.

As my asshole is violated, I start playing double dutch with my kids, and once they get tangled in the ropes, start a torrid 69. All the sucking and slurping cause my in-laws and parents to get aroused again and they start sodomizing and fisting one another.

My wife at this point has completely started dry-heaving, so she vomits all over my ass and my back. I line up each of my family members who take turns licking the chunks of spew off my back and out of my ass.

By now my children have to defecate so I tell them to **** in each other's favorite orifices. My son, ever the trooper takes a thick, dense **** in his sister's vagina while my daughter ****s in my son's nose.

My young daughter also conveniently starts her menstrual cycle shortly thereafter, and the menses and boy-**** in her **** make for great lube, as each of my in-laws begin ****ing my daughter. My son, blinded in ****, heads back to the piano and does his best Stevie Wonder impression while my wife runs back into the audience to grab a toddler from the crowd.

She begins stuffing this child into her vagina, while my parents begin screaming how she's possessed by Satan and start performing a nude exorcism on her. The power of christ compels them to kill the toddler, which also makes it easier to cram into my wife's lovehole.

By now, I'm so horny and aroused that I start ****ing the dead baby inside my wife while my young son starts licking my asshole and fingering his paternal grandparents. My in-laws finish abusing my daughter and start wrestling each other, which culminates in a huge powerbomb through the piano bench. The impact shatters my mother-in-law's hips, leaving her crippled.

The strain of the throw caused my father's bad heart to seize, and he collapses in a heap on the stage. As he gurgles and foams at the mouth, my daughter runs over and begins rubbing her **** covered pussy lips all over my crippled mother-in-law.

My wife grabs the wooden shards of the piano bench and begins playing her father's dying body like a xylophone. My son pulls his tongue out of my asshole and begins sucking his dying grandfather's ****.

I diall 911 and call for the paramedics who revive my father-in-law and then take turns ****ing my daughter and eating the menses and **** out of her tight ****.

Once he's conscious we all assemble in a large circle holding hands and chanting gibberish before launching into a rousing group impression of 'A Downs Syndrome' perspective on the horrors of the holocaust, 9/11 and the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

As we're moaning and screaming, my son runs off-stage to get the family dog. The dog runs over to my crippled mother-in-law and begins peeing on her. Once the dog finishes leaving her in a puddle of piss, my daughter stops blowing the paramedics to light the dog on fire.

The dog yelps and howls before collapsing. My son runs over to **** the burnt corpse while screaming, "White is right!"as my daughter begins goose-stepping around the stage, squeezing **** out of her **** and offering Nazi salutes to the audience.

My father-in-law begins raping my father, claiming that he's doing it for the forgotten Vietnam vets and POWs. My mother puts my crippled mother-in-law on her shoulders as I put my wife on my shoulders and we play a game of naked chicken.

Once my son finishes ****ing the dead dog. He takes the pieces of the piano bench and begins crucifying the corpse. Once the dog is hung like jesus, he begins weeping at the foot of the cross, saying, "Why my god have you forsaken me?"

My daughter mounts the top of the crucifix, using it as a wooden dildo. My parents, my in-laws and my wife join hands at the center of the stage and start singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music"

I grab the lawn darts and shove one up everyone's ass before heading back to the piano to finish off the show with a rendition of Freebird."

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
I am awesome

I agree with myself

Third Ninja Commander of the UG Society of Ninjas.
#22
2 blondes are lost in woods. they come across some tracks. one says "hmm, these look like bear tracks". other says "no its horse tracks". they argue.. bear tracks, horse tracks, bear tracks, horse tracks , bear tracks, horse tracks, then suddenly they get hit by a train.
#23
Quote by Mike9200
ok here we go

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

"First I come out, wearing a tuxedo, playing Brahms. Just as the music reaches a crescendo, my wife in an evening gown runs on stage and undresses me before dancing provocatively on top of the piano.

Just as I finish playing the song with my ****, my wife strips and does a backflip off the piano in a split on stage. Once her naked ass hits the floor, my 7 year old daughter and 13 year old son rush on stage juggling flaming lawn darts. My wife does a handstand and catches the lawn darts in her ****, she then manages to queef them out, making her the third part of this juggling act.

The queefs force her to squeeze out a few turds, which I eagerly start smearing on my naked body, which arouses me quickly. Once I'm fully aroused my daughter and son take turns blowing me while my wife straps on a monstrous dildo and begins reaming each child while i ejaculate in the eyes of my offspring.

Once I cum, I run into the audience, ****-covered body still sticky with cum and grab my parents and in-laws to involve them into the act. I strip them all nude and instruct them to start a circle jerk while screaming racial slurs. So my mother and father-in-law start screaming, "**** the ******s" while mutually masturbating, and my father and mother-in-law begin diddling one another and chanting, "I hate spics and jews!" Once they reach a geriatric climax, my wife uses their ejaculate to lube up her fist which she uses to start fisting me.

As my asshole is violated, I start playing double dutch with my kids, and once they get tangled in the ropes, start a torrid 69. All the sucking and slurping cause my in-laws and parents to get aroused again and they start sodomizing and fisting one another.

My wife at this point has completely started dry-heaving, so she vomits all over my ass and my back. I line up each of my family members who take turns licking the chunks of spew off my back and out of my ass.

By now my children have to defecate so I tell them to **** in each other's favorite orifices. My son, ever the trooper takes a thick, dense **** in his sister's vagina while my daughter ****s in my son's nose.

My young daughter also conveniently starts her menstrual cycle shortly thereafter, and the menses and boy-**** in her **** make for great lube, as each of my in-laws begin ****ing my daughter. My son, blinded in ****, heads back to the piano and does his best Stevie Wonder impression while my wife runs back into the audience to grab a toddler from the crowd.

She begins stuffing this child into her vagina, while my parents begin screaming how she's possessed by Satan and start performing a nude exorcism on her. The power of christ compels them to kill the toddler, which also makes it easier to cram into my wife's lovehole.

By now, I'm so horny and aroused that I start ****ing the dead baby inside my wife while my young son starts licking my asshole and fingering his paternal grandparents. My in-laws finish abusing my daughter and start wrestling each other, which culminates in a huge powerbomb through the piano bench. The impact shatters my mother-in-law's hips, leaving her crippled.

The strain of the throw caused my father's bad heart to seize, and he collapses in a heap on the stage. As he gurgles and foams at the mouth, my daughter runs over and begins rubbing her **** covered pussy lips all over my crippled mother-in-law.

My wife grabs the wooden shards of the piano bench and begins playing her father's dying body like a xylophone. My son pulls his tongue out of my asshole and begins sucking his dying grandfather's ****.

I diall 911 and call for the paramedics who revive my father-in-law and then take turns ****ing my daughter and eating the menses and **** out of her tight ****.

Once he's conscious we all assemble in a large circle holding hands and chanting gibberish before launching into a rousing group impression of 'A Downs Syndrome' perspective on the horrors of the holocaust, 9/11 and the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

As we're moaning and screaming, my son runs off-stage to get the family dog. The dog runs over to my crippled mother-in-law and begins peeing on her. Once the dog finishes leaving her in a puddle of piss, my daughter stops blowing the paramedics to light the dog on fire.

The dog yelps and howls before collapsing. My son runs over to **** the burnt corpse while screaming, "White is right!"as my daughter begins goose-stepping around the stage, squeezing **** out of her **** and offering Nazi salutes to the audience.

My father-in-law begins raping my father, claiming that he's doing it for the forgotten Vietnam vets and POWs. My mother puts my crippled mother-in-law on her shoulders as I put my wife on my shoulders and we play a game of naked chicken.

Once my son finishes ****ing the dead dog. He takes the pieces of the piano bench and begins crucifying the corpse. Once the dog is hung like jesus, he begins weeping at the foot of the cross, saying, "Why my god have you forsaken me?"

My daughter mounts the top of the crucifix, using it as a wooden dildo. My parents, my in-laws and my wife join hands at the center of the stage and start singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music"

I grab the lawn darts and shove one up everyone's ass before heading back to the piano to finish off the show with a rendition of Freebird."

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"


that was really long and i didnt get it
PSN: Noverion
#25
Quote by Mike9200
while i ejaculate in the eyes of my offspring.


sick minded... but funny
#26
Quote by tuluks
2 blondes are lost in woods. they come across some tracks. one says "hmm, these look like bear tracks". other says "no its horse tracks". they argue.. bear tracks, horse tracks, bear tracks, horse tracks , bear tracks, horse tracks, then suddenly they get hit by a train.


made me chuckle lol
Quote by csn00b
I hate seeing cute girls topless and what not, it just feels wrong.