#1
Hey,

This is the first song I've ever written, as far as lyrics. Just be straight up with me... I know it probably isn't very good, as I struggle with the English language as it is (and I'm a born American, go figure). Here it is:

You bash my head, against a wall
We start to stumble, we start to fall.
We’re drunk again, as we start to fight
And we both know, this fight will last all night.

I wish just once that you could see,
That I want you, and you want me
I wish just once, we’d find a way
We’d find the words to say and…

Then we could stop these silly fights,
Walk hand in hand into the light
I know everything will be alright,
If we just try.

I wish just once that you could see
That I want you, and you want me
I wish just once we’d find a way,
That I could find the words to say.

*guitar interlude*

You bash my head against the wall,
We start to stumble we start to fall,
We’re drunk again, but it’s alright
This night won’t end in another fight

It’s time I told you, the truth
I’m tired of fighting hand and tooth
I thought once, we’d find away
*just vocal*But now we split and I say

*guitar starts again*

I wish just once that you could see,
That I want you, and you want me
I wish just once, we’d find a way
We’d find the words to say

*guitar plays as song fades out*
#3
Yeah, give the rules the once over and you'll be ok.

I have edited the title for you.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Its pretty decent, bit cliched at times but not horribly so. Sung I'd say it'd go very well, the flow is motly very good and in most songs cliches are forgotten a bit: my only tip for starting off is to not make your rhyme schemes so simple, you managed to keep your rhymes surprisingly natural for such a boring rhyme scheme and the fact that its your first song, but in future i'd either not bother with a scheme at all and just stick them in when you feel there should be one, or go for something a bit more complex like: ABACB or whatever, even an ABCB is a massive improvement on AABB for me.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#5
I like how you make the struggle here a literal conflict (with the bashing the heads against a wall). I don't mind the rhyme scheme (dnjoe you nazi ), and it flows decently. Minor changes like keeping away from the cliche ("I wish just once that you could see/That I want you, and you want me"), etc. Good for a first song.

(c4c please)
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#6
RHYME SCHEMES ARE JEWISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not really, just not a big fan anymore...........I promise im not really a nazi and have nothing against jews......promise.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#7
You anti-rhymite.
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~