#1
This song I wrote..last week sometime, but anyway, the first time I posted it, I was a tool and thought I could beat the system, I didn't and this time I just wont be a tool , anyway we had a huge storm last week and everything got flooded, and I couldn't see the moon, so, then after it died down and I saw the moon again I wrote this, I like it, but I wouldn't have posted it unless I wanted YOUR opinion so, feel free to crit away, leave links to yours so I can crit your works !!

The nights alive with mystery,
That night atop the misty hill.
Begging for what could be more,
Than just a one night fling.

Oh Lunar wont you hold me close,
Be the muse to hold these words.
Then let them run to distant lands,
Whisper through the moving sands.

Carry on dear Lunar,
See the night-time fade.
Tomorrow mornin’ Lunar,
You’ll be hidden away.

That night atop the misty hill,
Stars and moon as one.
I had seen what had been done,
Before the war was won.

Carry on dear Lunar,
See the night-time fade.
Tomorrow mornin’ Lunar,
You’ll be hidden away.

Turn before me Lunar,
Hold the heavens high.
Be more than the fleeting stars,
That seem to rush on by.

Carry on dear Lunar,
See the night-time fade.
Tomorrow mornin’ Lunar,
You’ll be hidden away.

I wish the winds could slow,
The winds that whisper.
“Hurry On”,
Can they hear my beating heart,
As it means to slow .

(Solo)

I see the light surpass,
The night that seemed to last.
Carry on dear Lunar,
See the evening leave.
Tomorrow morn will come,
Leaving the night undone.

Carry on dear Lunar,
See the night-time fade.
Tomorrow mornin’ Lunar,
You’ll be hidden away.

The night is gone,
I turn back to wonder.
Hoping fleetingly,
That there is more to be done.
Before my war is won…


that was it tell me what you think, go wild!!, haha.

Riff Licker
Last edited by Riff Licker at Sep 3, 2007,
#2
Woot. Sweet.
'The nights alive with mystery'
Nights=Night's?

Nice song. Er, last verse, if you change 'That there is more to be done' to 'That there's more to be done', it'll probably sound smoother on a song. Good job. Liking it. Crit 4 crit? Link's in my sig. I'll be on my way to your other songs, lol..
#3
"Carry On dear Lunar
See the evenin’ leave
Tomorrow morin’ Lunar
You’ll be outta here"
-That part thats supposed to be the chorus I geuss, I don't like it. It sounds simple and a bit lame imho (but hey thats just me). This is just a quick try but maybe somethin like

Carry On dear Lunar
See the nighttime fade
Tomorrow mornin’ Lunar
You’ll be hidden away

nah I geuss thats not much better but maybe it'll help u a bit.

"As it means to slow"
-this is missing the word 'down' tbh. atleast in the rhythm I have in my head. But if you plan on leaving it like this I don't like the sound of the repetition of the word slow.

"Before my war is won…"
-this seems out of place to me cause the whole song was about the night and the situation but suddenly it's about 'your war'. idk it just seems out of place to me.

All and all nice piece. If your up for it, pick my song 'opinion' out of my sig.
#4
Carry On dear Lunar
See the nighttime fade
Tomorrow mornin’ Lunar
You’ll be hidden away

Tis pretty cool link, makes a slightly better chorus good job, loving this riff my man
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#5
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The nights alive with mystery, I believe, but may possibly stand to be corrected, it is ok to leave "nights".
That night atop the misty hill.
Begging for what could be more,
Than just a one night fling.

Oh Lunar won't you hold me close,
Be the muse to hold these words.
Then let them run to distant lands,
Whisper through the moving sands.

Carry on dear Lunar,
See the evenin’ leave.
Tomorrow mornin’ Lunar,
You’ll be outta here.

That night atop the misty hill,
Stars and moon as one.
I had seen what had been done,
Before the war was won. 1

Carry on dear Lunar,
See the evenin’ leave.
Tomorrow mornin’ Lunar,
You’ll be outta here.

Turn before me Lunar,
Hold the heavens high. 2
Be more than the fleeting stars,
That seem to rush on by. Don't like the word choice. Perhaps choose something relative to a star; shimmer?

Carry on dear Lunar,
See the evenin’ leave.
Tomorrow mornin’ Lunar,
You’ll be outta here.

I wish the winds could slow,
The winds that whisper
“Hurry On”.
Can they hear my beating heart,
As it means to slow? 3

(Solo)

I see the light surpass,
The night that seemed to last. 4
Carry on dear Lunar,
See the evening leave.
Tomorrow morn' will come,
Leaving the night undone.

Carry on dear Lunar,
See the evenin’ leave.
Tomorrow mornin’ Lunar,
You’ll be outta here.

The night is gone.
I turn back to wonder,
Hoping fleetingly,
That there is more to be done,
Before my war is won… 5

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1. I don't see how this is relevant to the poem unless you are talking about the war between night and day. And then yet I still don't see the significance of the third line in this verse.

2. It sounds as if Lunar (the moon I blindly assume) is the one "holding" up the heavens. I think you mean it is being held in the heavens? If so, I would use: "Held to the heavens high".

3. I don't understand why these two lines are here. I assumed "As it means to slow" was a question, or maybe "Can they hear my beating heart? As it means to slow." is how you meant it. Either way, I don't understand.

4. Well, the night didn't last, so why did it "seem" to?

5. A few things about the majority of this verse. The first line, "The night is gone." is fine; the night IS gone, after all. But the next four I don't like. "Fleetingly" doesn't seem to fit to me, but I always avoid using that word anyways...its a mouthful . Then the following line, "That there is more to be done,". You're saying you hope there is more to be done? And finally, the last line, "Before my war is won." You mention a war earlier but it was already "won" and I doubt it is the same war...so I'm confused...you have a war too?

I really defy the last verse.

Other than that, I liked this poem a lot.
#6
Hey eveyone thanks a lot for the kind words and the...LOADS of crit, not that thats a bad thing, I love people critting my stuff, and Dark-Link, I decided to change the verse to your interpratation, I liked it more, and it works with the tune, so thanks for making this sound tonnes better.

Stupified, for this song, I could spend all day and night, trying to explain this song, but I think this one, unlike the others should be left a mystery, it does have an explaination...a really dorky one..hah... but the way the words are in there and aligned and such all have a significense (? cant spell today)

hah, thanks everyone again for the crit and I'll be sure to get to your pieces to crit back....get ready to really cop it...haha, only joking

Riff Licker