#1
crit4crit
PAPER SHRINES IN CLOSET MUSEUMS

Sirens keep wailing
To drown the music
Of silent ballads,
In harmony with
The ambient tune
Of her unstrung harp.
But the words I sung
Were of no use 'cause
She's deaf and I'm mute.

Then I came to watch her perform,
And I cheered for my patron saint
Martyred on the hideaway floor.

So long my pin-up goddess
No more psalms for phantoms
Now you are just a relic
In closet museums

Play your harp as the siren cries
And I will seranade you with
Prayers written on paper shrines
Last edited by themarsvolta at Sep 3, 2007,
#2
Okay, first off I really enjoy the title, really imaginative.
The first verse is good if I were you I would take out "In this belfry; I'm Frankie Vallie." Just doesn't seem to fit to me.
The 2nd & 3rd verses are good as well greaty imagery.
The 4th verse doesn't seem to flow at all with the rest of the peice though, I'd take out shakespearean for one and the last 2 lines dont seem to have any flow at all.

Overall: Good idea, Love the name, just work on it a little more
Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.
-Frank Zappa
#3
first up i'll say this - i really like some of what you've got going on here. a lot of the ironic oxymorons like "tune of her unstrung harp" and "music of silent ballads" are great touches.

just needs a few tweaks -
-in the second line, personally i would use the word "drown", rather than "hush". just think it fits better with this siren image.
-i agree with rcbass - lose the frankie vallie line, its unneccesary. i would just go with "i.m singing along..."
-you've got a bit of a tense disagreement here - you need to bring the latter part of the verse into the present "the words i SING to my audience ARE of no..."
-the second stanza is great, leave it as it is.
-the next stanza you could maybe use another syllable in the third line - maybe something like "now you are only a relic"?
-now, i love the imagery you've got going on in the last verse - nice angry irony, but like rcbass says, it doesn't really work with the structure of the rest of the piece. you might want to rethink it, reword it, or just keep the great christ/bodybags metaphor for another day.

hope that helps a bit. keep up the good work
#4
I liked it. There was nice wording and imagery, and it flowed pretty well.
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#5
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
PAPER SHRINES IN CLOSET MUSEUMS

Sirens keep wailing
To drown the music
Of silent ballads
In harmony with
The ambient tune
Of her unstrung harp
But the words I sung
Were of no use 'cause
She's deaf and I'm mute

This reads very choppy, but that could probably be remedied with some PUNCTUATION! This is my biggest pet peeve ever. Unless there's an artistic reason for no punctuation, you should use it. I don't see how not using punctuation helps this piece. There's some nice rhyming and ironic sentiments here.

Then I came to watch her perfoem
And I cheered for my patron saint
Martyred on the hideaway floor

"Perform". Anyway, just add punctuation and this little bit is great.

So long my pin-up goddess
No more psalms for phantoms
Now you are just a relic
In closet museums

I think this is the section that reveals what the entire piece is about, and is really, really effective the way you combine the religious irony of the last stanza in here.

Play your harp as the siren cries
And I will seranade you with
Prayers written on paper shrines

I don't know the significance of the last line, but it's a very nice sentiment to end on.


This is a pretty good, albeit vague, piece. Add some punctuation and it will be much better.

Link's in the sig.
#6
Sirens keep wailing
To drown the music
Of silent ballads,
In harmony with
The ambient tune
Of her unstrung harp.
But the words I sungWere of no use 'cause
She's deaf and I'm mute.

I'm sorry, but when i read this, i pictured it as a sitcom theme song. It made me laugh. It seems like you're trying too hard to give a dark feeling, it's good, just over done.

Then I came to watch her perform,
And I cheered for my patron saint
Martyred on the hideaway floor.

I don't get it, but i'm sure you do. Once again, trying too hard to be dark.

So long my pin-up goddess
No more psalms for phantoms
Now you are just a relic
In closet museums

I love the second line, wonderful.

Play your harp as the siren cries
And I will seranade you with
Prayers written on paper shrines

Perfect. This verse is absolutely wonderful.


This song would be much better if you had better adjective choice. It's much too dark. But that's a stylistic preference i guess.
#7
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
PAPER SHRINES IN CLOSET MUSEUMS

Sirens keep wailing
To drown the music
Of silent ballads,
In harmony with
The ambient tune
Of her unstrung harp.
But the words I sung
Were of no use 'cause
She's deaf and I'm mute.

There's a sense of closeness in this stanza; in spite of your disabilities you create a deeper music with each other that only you can hear, and also that there are others on the outside trying to break it up...that's my interpretation anyways. I'd prefer if 'ballads' wasn't plural, it's too generalizing. I think it should be "of my silent ballad" or "of this silent ballad" or something along those lines.

Then I came to watch her perform,
And I cheered for my patron saint
Martyred on the hideaway floor.

So long my pin-up goddess
No more psalms for phantoms
Now you are just a relic
In closet museums.


I think that "In a closet museum would work better, because it's hard to be in more than one place at a time in the first place, and secondly it just flows better. This does not, however, mean you should change the title.

Play your harp as the siren cries
And I will seranade you with (should be "serenade"...just a spelling mistake.)
Prayers written on paper shrines


I really enjoyed this, it flowed really well and it's lyrical value was brilliant. I think that if you instigated the changes I suggested you would have a stellar piece.

You get a llama. Accept it.

PS sorry I took so long to respond to this...grade twelve is busy ****...and if you don't accept that excuse please PM me for several more.
Last edited by jamminbass at Sep 13, 2007,