#1
Wrote this ots at lunch today.

V
She could see him from across the room
Could tell it would be real real soon
He would come and ask to take her out
She'll say yes without a doubt

V
"It was obvious it would come to this"
She thought, as he pressed his to her lips
And it went a little farther than it should've
Because that night was anything, but love

C
As she told me about that night
It put it all in a whole new light
"It didn't mean a thing" she said
Started with a gaze and look where it led

V
She talked to a guy in the hall yesterday
He took her hand and led her away
At the time she knew it was wrong
But that didn't stop her from going on

C
And as she told me about that night
It put it all in a different light
"It didn't mean a thing" she said
Started with a gaze and look where it led
#2
too simple, low vocabulary and the chorus sound pretty much the same as the verses.
try changing the chorus a bit.
thnx for the honesty in my song. could u critic the other songs of me?
Rhymes
Above
Poetry
#3
it maybe a fun song to perform but there's nothing new in it . Spice it Up. Real, real doesn;t work in V1 . Topic is little cliche, I am not saying don;t write alove song . Write it in superior way.

And as she told me about that night
It put it all in a different light
"It didn't mean a thing" she said
Started with a gaze and look where it led

Change 3rd line to
she said "It didn't mean a thing"

Some of the lines have potential just revise it and use some metaphors. There's no need to use fancy words like the above poster said.

Do whatever u want .

hope this helps

Andy
Hi
#4
I agree with abhishek. You need to add more to this. I don't wanto to sound too harsh, but i thought the verses left a lot to be desired. It just seemed sort of unoriginal. I think you need to add more drama to the piece and maybe some romantic imagery. You know candlelight, dancing under the moon light, etc. (Or maybe that would just amke the piece cheesy. I don't know.) On a postive note, I liked the chorus and I thought it would make a great intro for a piece. Anwyas, I know you could do better than this piece.

Crit mine please
Paper Shrines In Closet Museums