#1
Just a thread for jokes.
Ill go first:

what was the last thing that went through JFK's Head?


a bullet
#3
What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede

What's red and white?
Pink

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
Get in..

Did you hear about the kidnapping across the street?
I woke him up

Whats green and would kill you if it fell on you?
A golf course

I'm out

EDIT:
Can this PLEASE not turn into a dead baby / rascist joke thread? They're not offensive, but neither are the funny or original
FALKIRK

We'll win something someday

Quote by Minkaro
Falkirk is the home of runners up.

Check out my Tunes
#4
That JFK thing really wasn't very funny at all. Or original.
Quote by Demonikk
+1
I live by the method: 3 or less orange warning labels, and it's safe as a kitten


Quote by Charlatan_001
EDIT: Sammcl pretty much got it dead on.
#5
why do u put a baby in the blender face up???


So you can see its reaction
Quote by Diet_coke_head
I keep a plunger in my bathroom...my insperation usually clogs the toilet.
#6
Did you hear about the energizer bunny?
He got charged with battery.

What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird Farts.

Two muffins were cooking in an oven. One muffin said, "It's getting kind of hot in here." The other muffin screamed, "AHHHH!!! A talking muffin!"
kill 'em a lot
#7
A bear and a rabbit take a poop in the forest together. Bear asks the rabbit "Hey, do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "No, I do not."

Then the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Quote by p o e
lmfao man thats so sick and depraved and yet funny all at once

my hats off to you IbanezSA160, you have embodied the Pit into one little poem
#8
Quote by IbanezSA160
A bear and a rabbit take a poop in the forest together. Bear asks the rabbit "Hey, do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "No, I do not."

Then the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.


+7.43
Eddie Murphey's Delirious = Funniest thing ever.
#9
Quote by drenvital
why do u put a baby in the blender face up???


So you can see its reaction

The better twisted version I read on here:

Why do you put a baby in a blender with it's head up?

So you ejaculate on it's face will it dies.


Good day to you thread.
NOPE.
#11
whats the difference between this joke thread and the hundreds of other ones?(i think you will be able to guess this one.)
sup?
#12
Quote by ldl67
whats the difference between this joke thread and the hundreds of other ones?(i think you will be able to guess this one.)

This one does not have Icy Hot jokes?
Quote by p o e
lmfao man thats so sick and depraved and yet funny all at once

my hats off to you IbanezSA160, you have embodied the Pit into one little poem
#13
Quote by IbanezSA160
This one does not have Icy Hot jokes?

You've jinxed it the thread
NOPE.
#15
what phails more than seeing babies and not nailing them to a tree?


this thread!
i say Of
you say A
i say Revolution
and you say jah



In loving memory of that damn game of poker





Private first class of the bass militia, PM Nutter_101 to join!
#16
Quote by Random88
What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede

What's red and white?
Pink

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
Get in..

Did you hear about the kidnapping across the street?
I woke him up

Whats green and would kill you if it fell on you?
A golf course

I'm out

EDIT:
Can this PLEASE not turn into a dead baby / rascist joke thread? They're not offensive, but neither are the funny or original


Yeah because your jokes were all so funny and original. Seriously, has anyone you've ever told those to actually laughed out loud?
#17
Two cows in a field.

Cow 1:"Shame About That Mad Cow Disease Innit?"
Cow 2: Yeah good thing I am Penguin"

Since the age of 12, I have only been told dead baby jokes, so thats all I know. So i had to go back to Primary level.
Quote by Malakian88
Oh my bloody god. Imagine if you were a girl and you woke up to find your little brother's friend standing over you with his erect penis on your breasts...


Indeed.
#19
Quote by IbanezSA160
A bear and a rabbit take a poop in the forest together. Bear asks the rabbit "Hey, do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "No, I do not."

Then the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.



Quote by Arthur Curry
Yeah because your jokes were all so funny and original. Seriously, has anyone you've ever told those to actually laughed out loud?

I laughed at the golf course one.
#20
Quote by Arthur Curry
Seriously, has anyone you've ever told those to actually laughed out loud?


That depends what that means...


Anyhow, they gave me a chuckle, so I thought i'd share cos i'm nice like that. I'm just fed up of every joke thred here being exactly the same 'oMg d34D baybiezz lololll!!!!!1111!!' and so on
FALKIRK

We'll win something someday

Quote by Minkaro
Falkirk is the home of runners up.

Check out my Tunes
#21
Man comes home from work late one night to see his wife already in bed, so too surprise her he crawls under the sheets and goes down on her. After a while she squeals and cums in his face. He goes into the bathroom and to his amazement sees his wife in there shaving her legs. "WTF ARE YOU DOING IN HERE??" he shouts.....

"SSShhhh" she says,


"you'll wake your mother"
#23
Whats the difference between a black man and Batman?

One can go to the store without Robin.

Some nuns were repainting their chapel. They kept getting paint on their clothes
so they decided to remove them, but agreed not to let ANYONE in until they were
done and replaced their clothing. Then they heard some one knocking and one of
them yelled, "Who is it?"
‘‘the blind man!'' He yelled back.
They decided since he was blind it would be all right.
They opened the door and the man said, ''Nice boobs! Where do you want the
blinds?"
#24
This guy had been feeling sick for quite sometime now and people had been telling him to go see a doctor and because his situation was getting so bad he decided to go see a doctor so off we went.

He went into the doctors room sat down and was told that he had some sort of rare intestinal virus. He was prescribed with suppositories and told to take two a day. The doctor said he would give him the first one.

Once he got back to his house he had a few beers and it was then time for his next one, so he asked his wife if she could do it. She put her hand on his shoulder and thrusted the suppository into his arse

He screamed really loud and so his wife asked "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

He said "No - I just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!"
#25
Oh is this the official?
Anyway.

Two commies were sitting on a bench. One of them were having an ice-cream. And then the other one asked: "Can I taste it?" And the ice-cream commie replied: "No way!"
#27
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
crit my drawings with comments in profile! thanks
(just go to the pictures section)


Quote by Lostprophets$$$
I agree with him

Also, wtf's a buttplug? If its something u put in her ass, then what the f*ck's ur penis for? Enlighten me pit monkehs (Y)
#28
The Ku Klux Klan kidnapped a black man then give him a dice to throw.

They said if he throws a 1,2,3,4 or 5 he will be shot.

He said what if I get a 6 ?

They said "you get another throw"
#29
Quote by Vince Noir
The Ku Klux Klan kidnapped a black man then give him a dice to throw.

They said if he throws a 1,2,3,4 or 5 he will be shot.

He said what if I get a 6 ?

They said "you get another throw"



Classic rules. Some in monopoly. But with two dices.
#30
Quote by Izz
Oh is this the official?
Anyway.

Two commies were sitting on a bench. One of them were having an ice-cream. And then the other one asked: "Can I taste it?" And the ice-cream commie replied: "No way!"


#31
Quote by paulvxD


Yeah isn't it a great one. Cracks me up everytime too.
#32
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?"

The Doctor replies, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
#33
Quote by Izz
Yeah isn't it a great one. Cracks me up everytime too.


Sorry, I don't get it. Can you explain that one?
#34
Quote by Joke 1
Two guys are out for a walk arguing over who has the biggest dick. They keep arguing all day and finally night falls. they get to a bridge and decide to take a piss. One guy decides he can say win and says "Damn the water sure is cold." The other guy (Me <.< says "Yeah its deep too."


Quote by Joke 2
One of george bush's aides comes up to him with his daily war report. He tells him, "I'm sorry sir, we lost 4 brazilians in the war today."

Bush looks horrified and put his head in his hands. He just sits there for like 5 minutes shaking his head and looking very sad. Finally he looks up at the aide and asks him, "How many is a brazilian?"


Quote by Joke 3
One day a squirrel is sitting in a tree and a cow climbs the tree and sits next to the squirrel. The squirrel asks the cow, "Why did you climb this tree?" The cow answers, "To eat apples." The squirrel tells the cow, "But this is a pine tree!" The cow replies, "I know, I brought my own apples."


*waits for the groans*
#36
Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

... because she's a woman
Gear:
Ibanez JS100
03 Squier Strat
1980 Ovation Matrix Accoustic
Peavey Valveking 112
Washburn T-14 Taurus (Bass)
SWR Working Pro 100 watt bass amp
#37
Quote by omegasus
One day a squirrel is sitting in a tree and a cow climbs the tree and sits next to the squirrel. The squirrel asks the cow, "Why did you climb this tree?" The cow answers, "To eat apples." The squirrel tells the cow, "But this is a pine tree!" The cow replies, "I know, I brought my own apples."


That was purely amazing
Quote by Seryaph
Great.


You just single-handedly caused an entire future generation of people to be flushed down the toilet.

Good job, TS.
#38
Quote by juniorfr3ak
Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

... because she's a woman



DAMN i was so gonna say that!


Well how did Helen Kellers Parents punish her as a child?

They glued doorknobs to the walls.
#39
how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb


LEts go ride bikes
Quote by Steve The Plank
Maybe you should just eliminate the idea of being a LEAD guitarist or a RHYTHM guitarist and just come to terms with being a guitarist.


Quote by Mike Huber
I used to steal legos from my friend. He always had the coolest pieces.
#40
so theres 2 guys working at a construction site, ones a white guy and the other is black, so there talking away and the black guy is complaining hes not getting any at home, so the white guy tells him that when he want to get his wife in the mood he tells her some poetry.

so the black guy is like what do u say and the whote guys like well i say something like blond hair blond hair eyes so blue i can't wait to make love to you, so the black guy is like well i can do that.

so they both go home and when they return to work the the black guy has got a black eye

and the white guys like why do u have a black eye? did u read some poetry like i said

and the black guys like yeah i said some poetry

and the white guys like well what did u say???

and the black guys like...well i said.....

nappy hair nappy hair eyes like a frog, come here and bend over so i can **** you like a dog.