#1
Wind-Breaker

There he was, hid behind a wind-breaker
on the beach, shielding his eyes from
the sun. Handsome with a tourist tan.
Unmistakably a father of four.

Next to him, wearing a small two-piece
and bronzing, a woman. His new squeeze
after several years out of the dating
game. A romantic holiday away without
the kids and step-children and in-laws.

Smiling wryly, she asks for the magazine
that comes with the News of the World.
"We're on holiday" he jokes, "do you really
need to read everything that's happening
back home?". She answered with her eyes.

As the sun moved across the sky and
the sea closed in on the couple, the two
of them talked houses and neighbourhoods.

"I'd like the country as well. Your kids would
have a lot of land to explore and if we got a big
enough place we could have a spare room in
case your friends wanted to stay round."

The wind-breaker blew over. He laid back, the
great invisible supporting him once more.



C4C. Edited Slightly.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 2, 2007,
#3
I really liked it . i liked how details was potrayed with help of simple words even . like

the two of them talked houses and neighbourhoods.

Most of the people would have wrote something like "The two....houses in neighbourhood"
But what u wrote was really intelligent at first i didn't get it but after reeaqding it again . I got what u were trying to say.


Ok here's what i think

Handsome with a tourists tan.--->this is little weak especially "tourists tan" sounds little bit awkward.


"I'd like the country as well. Your kids would
have a lot of land to explore and if we got a big
enough place we could have a spare room in
case your friends wanted to stay round."

Change wanted to "decides" or "wants " but i guess it's a personal choice but keep it in present tense.

Other then that some of the imagery was really good . It was Sarcastic but effective.

I didn't got the ending though. So write now it's effect on me is like " Wow on imagery " but overall effect is like "hmm"
Hi
#4
Thanks Andy. You bring up some good points.

Link me up to something, I owe you like, several.

Steve/Carmel - could you please take the "e" out of the title. It looks silly. Thanks.
#5
You can actually edit the title yourself I think. Go into edit the first post and there should be an "Edit Title" box.
#6
Nah it only edits the title at the top of this page, not the one you click on when browsing the forum.
#8
This is really good, I like how it's not just your average lyrics 'Oh baby you're an angel, yeah yeah yeah no no no I love you I miss you' or the sort of I-am-so-great,listen-to-my-music type thing that's going on alot today. And to look at as a poem it makes a nice change from meaningless stuff that just includes words like blood and roses and heart break yadayada.
That's my way of saying I think it's mint
Got a melody yet?
#9
You've been reading Heaney.

This is intelligent stuff. You've actually bothered to think about subtext which really impressed me. Now, I'm ducking out of a full crit, sure, but I could sit here and correct minor flow issues but the fact of the matter is, you're growing. Here is a writer who isn't afraid to go against the grain, here is a writer who isn't afraid to hone his craft and gather as much from as many influences as he can. To this end, and I'm no doubt repeating myself, it has been and will continue to be fantastic to watch you grow as a writer. The sheer thought and conscientious effort behind each of your pieces (mostly the poetry)seeps out, making each a joy to read. Good going, Jamie.

I leave you with one final statement of flattery - I'm starting to believe that I could give you a subject and you could weave something decent about it. So here goes - Paper.

Write me a poem about paper for your next piece.

My latest - 'I Can Do It Without Pornography' is ****e, but I'd love a comment from you because you're so damned honest.

Well done again.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#10
Wind-Breaker

There he was, hid behind a wind-breaker
on the beach, shielding his eyes from
the sun. Handsome with a tourists tan.
Unmistakably a father of four.

I always prefer "hidden" over "hid", but that's just personal taste. And I agree with Andy about "tourists tan" being awkward. Maybe just use "tourist tan" and play it out as an expression.

Next to him, wearing a small two-piece
and bronzing, a woman. His new squeeze
after several years out of the dating
game. A romantic holiday away without
the kids and step-children and in-laws.

I know this isn't a rhyming piece, but I would be tempted to say "dating scene" so you'd get the subtle squeeze/scene rhyme.

Smiling wryly, she asks for the magazine
that comes with the News of the World.
"We're on holiday" he jokes, "do you still
need to read everything that's happening
back home?". She answered with her eyes.

Isn't it just called "World News"? Anyways, I like the dialogue here, but personally I'd use "really" instead of "still", because it has more of a questioning quality to it I think. Also the tense of "asks" and "jokes" don't seem to fit the rest of the piece. Consider making them past tense.

As the sun moved across the sky and
the sea moved in on the couple, the two
of them talked houses and neighbourhoods.

This is good. I wouldn't touch it.

"I'd like the country as well. Your kids would
have a lot of land to explore and if we got a big
enough place we could have a spare room in
case your friends wanted to stay round."

Isn't it more likely that "their" (the kids) friends might want to stay around? But I guess you know them better than I do.

The wind-breaker blew over. He led back, the
great invisible supporting him once more.

I don't understand the use of "led" here. I can't help thinking that it should be either "leant" or "laid".


If I haven't mentioned it before, I much prefer your poetry to your songwriting. Then again, I prefer poetry to songwriting anyways. But yeah, I enjoyed this one. A few small issues, but nothing to be too concerned about.

I know I still owe you too. Good job Jamie.
#11
Woot!

Dragonstriker- Thanks for your words. It's poetry not a song, but heck, anything can be put to music

Alex - Thanks a million. I eat paper for breakfast.

I'm going to make some edits based on suggestions Much appreciated all.

Steve - Thanks man. "News of the World" is a British tabloid.
#12
If u have time look at the one which is in the sig. It's ok but not that gr8.
Hi
#14
This was a nice poem. It flowed very well and had pretty nice wording. I liked it.
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#15
I say the same about crit coming. I owe so many and I've got some thing going on I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mind waiting a while before I return it. thanks a lot for your crit. As always, you rip my stuff appart perfectly