#1
wrote lyrics for one of my bands future songs hopefully, i want some constructive criticism because im not very good with my words and want help.


VERSE 1
im writing this letter to say
I could live forever in this way
I wrote these words down in my head
one night while I was fast asleep in bed
I made a story for you
its about something I might do

PRE-CHORUS

and its not a happy tale
a mans train came off its rail
im going crazy
ive lost my mind

VERSE 2
a clock is ticking, out of time
and im finished walking on a line
and that clock is ticking in my head
and im about to fill it up with led

PRE-CHORUS
and I am couting down to explode
and ive lost all feeling so now I know
and its not a happy tale
a mans train came off its rail

CHORUS
im going crazy
im going down
ive lost my mind
Ive lost my head
Last edited by Alternate_rock at Sep 1, 2007,
#3
i may be a bit biased as i've never really been a fan of rhyming couplets but i agree, it seems like you've sacrificed a lot of your meaning and emotion for the sake of rhyme. maybe you need to relax that a bit and think more about what you're actually trying to say.