#1
i sit cross legged in the shower
cupping my hands to catch the water
spouting from the sky.
i watch my hands fill up
and the excess water spill over.
is this how life works?
one can only take so much
and after that what was in you
leaves.
cycled.
balanced.

what happens when you lose someone?
is that like a crack in the pot?
or a gap in your hands?
it lowers the tipping point
and lessens your resistance to
changes in your environment.

the hole can be slowed
by closure.
the hole can be reopened
by dwelling on the past.
the hole can be sealed
by confronting what was lost.
#2
i really like this. it seams well thought out, with a great little theme. nice length, great imagery.. can't really fault it. makes me want to dive into a river or something. nice.
MBOX2 - PRO TOOLS LE 7.3.1 - CUBASE SX3 - REASON 4
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#3
Quote by uhh_me?
i sit cross legged in the shower
cupping my hands to catch the water
spouting from the sky.---meh, I didn't like this. Trying to hard to make it sound fancy I think. It's a pretty obvious metaphor.
i watch my hands fill up
and the excess water spill over.
is this how life works?
one can only take so much
and after that what was in you---the way you phrased this was slightly off. that what was doesn't read to nice, it kind of gets stuck. It sounds a bit pretentious too
leaves.
cycled.
balanced.
This is quite a cool little ending, maybe a bit forced or obvious but it worked. I'm not to keen on balanced though, try look for another word that might fit in better. Over all it was a nice little opening stanza, maybe the rhetorical question a bit cliched but you managed to answer it soo it wasn't too bad. Another thing, It looks kind of careless when you don't use caps where you should. Though it's really just a pet hate of mine

what happens when you lose someone?
is that like a crack in the pot?
or a gap in your hands?
it lowers the tipping point
and lessens your resistance to
changes in your environment.
More of the same as the first stanza only this was worse. Try to avoid those questions they are really not the way to go when writing a poem. And those last two lines were a bit confusing but worked. Kind of. I like the ideas but the execution needs to be improved.

the hole can be slowed
by closure.
the hole can be reopened
by dwelling on the past.
the hole can be sealed
by confronting what was lost.
Yeah, this was good. No beef at all. Very nice little ending.

Over all, I like the piece, but it really needs improvement. Some of your ideas like stanza 2 are extremely undeveloped and vague whilst others, final stanza, are great. It's sort of like an anti climax. You started weel, then went badly and then recovered. It doesn't leave and overall 100% good feeling on the read. Yeah, I mean, the first read this is quite a strike the ideas are different, but as soon as I dissect it, it becomes vague and cliched. ...I hope that helped.




Crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=663623
Last edited by confusius at Sep 2, 2007,
#4
thanks a lot for the crit. i see what you are saying with my second stanza, it does need improvement. not to make excuses, but i think the reason it is weaker is because i wrote this from memory and the first and last parts are easiest to pull.

i'll try some revisions on it and see what comes of it.

i'll also take a look at your when i have some free time.