#1
I

Beneath the red sky
The morning’s tide
Wraps itself around your ankles
Like shackles.
The blue moon threw you off
And today the water’s cohesive
And thick,
Like your skull.
Beneath the red sky
The morning’s wide
And you watch it swirl through your fingers,
a lion’s mane.
By the by you’ll touch the sky
And pull away it’s blood,
One of these days, you turn and say,
Hearing only a scarlet flood.

II

We each held out an empty palm
We each relived our beach assault,
We’ve shivered cold and wrapped in alms,
Often oblivious to this mind of salt.
I’ve got the gumption,
If you’ll reckon the plan,
That’s the way it’s always been
That’s the man’s demand.
Rosemary in our hair
So that we can think again,
Thyme in our mouths
So that we can speak freely.
And remember how the ocean
Can use a teaspoon of salt
To starve the world of water
And bring each life to a halt.

III

In apathy we watch the sea
And peruse the well-known shallows
And hold each other, brother to brother,
contempt and scorn for the hallows.
And the lion’s claws are sharper now
And I held them in my teeth
And the lions mane is tangled
And the sky’s become a street;
I want to take you farther
To the place I know you’ll love in all
The lethargy and feather dreams
You could soar so far above.
By the by you’ll touch the sky
And pull away it’s blood,
One of these days, you turn and say,
Hearing only a scarlet flood.

IV

And I was so happy,
And you were so relentless
Together we made perfection
And together we were perfect.
Vermilion creeps on the sand
While the clams bleed silence,
You and I sit hollow here
On a beach pathetic, moribund.
Straw seeps from under our caps
Screwed so tight in crimson dawn light.
And the world explodes before us
And the water gives way
To a sharp, deadly desert
Where we choke on our calamities
In the chemical silence
of metaphysical absence.


But by the by you’ll touch the sky
And pull away it’s blood.
#2
I

Beneath the red sky
The morning’s tide
Wraps itself around your ankles
Like shackles. I think you should add an adjective before shackles. The line seems kind of short to me.
The blue moon threw you off
And today the water’s cohesive I would drop the "and today"And thick,
Like your skull.
Beneath the red sky
The morning’s wide
And you watch it swirl through your fingers, I think ....swirl a lions mane through your fingers sounds more natural and less awkward
a lion’s mane.
By the by you’ll touch the sky
And pull away it’s blood,
One of these days, you turn and say,
Hearing only a scarlet flood.

II

We each held out an empty palm
We each relived our beach assault,
We’ve shivered cold and wrapped in alms, I would say "we" instead of "we've'
Often oblivious to this mind of salt.
I’ve got the gumption,
If you’ll reckon the plan,
That’s the way it’s always been
That’s the man’s demand.
Rosemary in our hair
So that we can think again,
Thyme in our mouths
So that we can speak freely.
And remember how the ocean I love these next 4 lines and I liked the metaphorCan use a teaspoon of salt
To starve the world of water
And bring each life to a halt.

III

In apathy we watch the sea
And peruse the well-known shallows
And hold each other, brother to brother,
contempt and scorn for the hallows.
And the lion’s claws are sharper now
And I held them in my teeth
And the lions mane is tangled
And the sky’s become a street; nice line
I want to take you farther
To the place I know you’ll love in all drop the "in all"The lethargy and feather dreams
You could soar so far above.
By the by you’ll touch the sky
And pull away it’s blood,
One of these days, you turn and say, I would replace "and say with "around" or "back"Hearing only a scarlet flood.

IV

And I was so happy,
And you were so relentless
Together we made perfection
And together we were perfect. i don't think this line is necessaryVermilion creeps on the sand
While the clams bleed silence,
You and I sit hollow here
On a beach pathetic, moribund.
Straw seeps from under our caps
Screwed so tight in crimson dawn light.
And the world explodes before us
And the water gives way
To a sharp, deadly desert
Where we choke on our calamities
In the chemical silence
of metaphysical absence.

But by the by you’ll touch the sky
And pull away it’s blood.


Well, despite a few hitches, I thought this piece was great. I enjoyed reading it and I'm looking forward to reading more. The biggest gripe I would with this piece was the flow. I just seemed unnatrual to me. Anyways, solid piece overall.

Crit mine
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=662305
Last edited by themarsvolta at Sep 1, 2007,