#1
an operatic/gothic/metal/prog peice. Leave a link - crit4crit. damn it sorta turned into a love song...... damn..... oh well. enjoy its all set now

Tranquility of the Night

Stolen away, tears seamlessy wrap around your face,
in the labyrinth of darkness - sifting through madness, still with harmony in your eyes.
Hallways echo your silence, even though your mouth moves,
I watch from a distance lagging behind, entombed in thoughts of you.

Emotions flood my mind as I stalk her, candlelight adorning every inch of her,
reflecting beauty into my eyes as I float through the dark.
The moon echoes insanity, even as you gently tip-toe through,
I still gaze from a step behind, thoughts of how I wish to devour you.

Come to Me!! Unholy bride drifting through the night,
Rest upon my heart, and sing your souls pleas,
For I am the ghost who has dwelled upon your dreams.
The symphony of the waters flowing underneath, shall wrap us in warmth,
Speak to me my lost child, and dare not forget me.
The Traquility of the Night has declared we are to always be shadows, dancing upon dreams.

Hide with me inside their thoughts, inside the dreams of children,
beneath the trees behind lost eyes, the sun hums light as I hum love.
The dream may end, but there are forever more,
dancing on shadows behind closed doors.
Last edited by AgainsTheMirror at Sep 1, 2007,
#2
this is great, man. really enjoyed reading it
however, i always prefer a constructive critique so...

Stolen away, tears seamlessy wrap around your your face,
well, the obvious point is the repeated "your". other than that, nice
in the labyrinth of darkness - sifting through madness, still with harmony in your eyes.
just a thought - "the [blank] of [blank]" is a very common format, you might want to consider "in the labyrinthine darkness"? Also, the emotion of the person you're talking about has changed from tearful to harmonious amid the "madness" - maybe look at that.
Hallways echo your silence, even though your mouth moves,
this is a great image, though it feels like it doesn't quite flow - you might want to try just rearranging it slightly - "your silence echoes through the hallways, while your mouth moves" for example, perhaps?
I watch from a distance lagging behind, entombed in thoughts of you.
this last line is fantastic. all it needs is a comma after "distance" and you're sorted

Emotions flood my mind as I stalk her, candlelight adorning every inch of her,
"emotions flood my mind" seems a bit of a cop-out to me - what emotions? tell me what you're feeling. also, i would use "caressing" rather than "adorning" - more sensual.
reflecting beauty into my eyes as I float through the dark.
nice - maybe drop a syllable for flow? "...beauty to my eyes..."?
The moon echoes insanity, even as you gently tip-toe through,
good but you used "echo" in the last stanza - maybe rethink your metaphor
I still gaze from a step behind, thoughts of how I wish to devour you.
maybe "a pace behind"? otherwise nice

Come to Me!! Unholy bride drifting through the night,
Rest upon my heart, and sing your souls pleas,
For I am the ghost who has dwelled upon your dreams.
The symphony of the waters flowing underneath, shall wrap us in warmth,
Speak to me my lost child, and dare not forget me.
The Traquility of the Night has declared we are to always be shadows, dancing upon dreams.

i'm not a huge fan of this verse, to be honest, it feels a bit cliche.you go from being darkly poetic to a bit self-indulgent. think it needs work. though theres some nice bits - "shadows, dancing upon dreams" thumbs up to that.

Hide with me inside their thoughts, inside the dreams of children,
not really sure what you mean here. maybe clarify a bit
beneath the trees behind lost eyes, the sun hums light as I hum love.
first part is good, second part i would lose altogether and start from scratch
The dream may end, but there are forever more,
dancing on shadows behind closed doors

nice ending, maybe reword slightly for clarity? "...forever more, shadows dancing behind closed doors"?

i hope some of this helps - you've really got something going on here. i like it a lot. though your first verse is by far your best
have a look at my latest piece? i would be very greatful for a decent crit - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=663174