#1
this is the start of what i hope can become a song.

i don't think it's very good, so i need some crit to lead me in the right direction.

this song is about how people don't listen to the real meaning in words today. they often push aside the important things that people talk about and are worried about less important things.


Silence Spoken

Verse 1

The words muted but understood
They tell a tale, paint a picture
Explain the meaning
Convey the truth.

Verse 2

Listen closely to the speaker
For he does not speak at all
The sounds are lost in your transgressions
You fail to comprehend

Chorus:

The English language, it’s gone to waste
These people don’t hear a word we say
Minds obstructed with modern filth
They just walk by and go on with their day

Verse 3

I hear these people…
They scream louder than atom bombs
I cringe at the deafening blast
But no one seems to notice

Verse 4

Why can’t you just pay attention?
Can’t there just be realization?
Grasp the meaning
Listen to what really matters.

Chorus:

The English language, it’s gone to waste
These people don’t hear a word we say
Minds obstructed with modern filth
They just walk on by and go on with their day


i feel like from the chorus on sucks and just does not live up to the first two verses.
help me out a bit by maybe giving some input on what i wrote?

c4c

thanks in advance.
Last edited by fenderdude06 at Sep 4, 2007,
#3
I really liked it. Somehow it got me thinking about since this would be a song of some sort, then with some weird meaning of how we're trying to get the listener to understand the meaning of something. I don't know. It just got me thinking that first line. Anyways, I like it, it has a very great potential, Good use of words and flow, I liked it. I just hope the rest of the writing would be so up to par. It would actually be quite cool if I could use something like this for my band for lyrics (Since we all suck at lyric writing) with your permission, and all credit to you of course.

But back to the point, i loved it, great job, keep up the good writing, and I really want to see the finished version of this song.
#4
@Aiyoku

thank you so much man. this is pretty much the first song i've tried to write but i write a lot of stories and fictional things so i tried to do the same here that i do there.

i was really thinking of using this as a song of my own, but if you give me credit then sure. what genre is your band?

because well, i wouldn't really want a metal band using this lol.

if i can get some more critique from you all on this and use more tips to finish it that would be great.
#5
so yeah i'm still stuck on just these lyrics and i need some crit and a some tips to help me finish this thing, i don't want to give up on it.
#6
the two last line of the 1st verse is too short (if compared with your 1st two lines). try making them rhyme but not too much as you dont want to turn it into a nursery rhyme.
for the next verse, use metaphors. it'll make the song more interesting and original.
#7
Trust me fenderdude06, I really don't want my band to be metal at all. I'm highly influenced by bands like brand new, senesfail and before today you know, so i'm trying to reach for a mix between those styles while still trying to have my bands own original style. I guess you would categorize as, post-hardcore, emo, punk, etc etc, I don't really know what to put it under.

All I can really suggest is just write whats on your mind and try to make it sound good, use alliterations, metaphors, similies, just make it sound good. Like rafael90, just make sure it's interesting and original. You know. As long as you keep up the wirting you had in the first couple of lines, it'll be a very good sound in my eyes.
#8
The words muted but understood
They tell a story, paint a picture
Explain the meaning
Convey the truth.


This line just seems sorta....... pushed, forced.

It doesn't go with the rest. Try to find something that is a little more subtle and not stand-outish. This line is that way.

Other than that. I really see this being a great song.


MATT


I want you to live as a gay woman.
#9
it does sound a little forced but i think i will keep it. thank you for the input though.

i'm really stuck with waht to write next. i have little experience writing and what i've written so far has taken me two days. i don't want to rush it.

could anyway push me in the right direction or crit what i have so far? i'll crit yours if you want.

thanks
#10
The words muted but understood
this is fantastic. love it
They tell a story, paint a picture
think youve got a syllable too many here. maybe go with "tale" instead of "story"?Explain the meaning
Convey the truth.
this is good

Listen closely to the speaker
For they are not speaking at all
good irony -though again might flow better as "for he does not speak at all"?
The sounds are lost in your/our transgressions
i would go with "your", as "listen" is an imperative, implying that you are speaking to someone
You/we fail to comprehend them
go with "you", to match the line before. also, i think lose "them" - might work better.

overall very nice. a good start. could end up as a great song. keep it up
would love if you would crit mine -
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=664372
#11
i'm going to take your advice on the suggestions you made. they seem to be very good ones. thank you, and i will crit yours.
#13
wow, that's really good man. It definitely gets you thinking. I like it

There's only one small thing I'd maybe change. The 4th line, "Convey the truth", I might try to make it a little bit longer. Feels kinda stacato compared to the 8th line.

But otherwise, it's awesome. It'll make a good song.
#14
i think it will turn out to be a good poem but **** man i tried singing this and finding a melody and just couldn't do it. idk man i might just keep it as a poem. i want it to be a song though.
#15
okay so i've written the rest. i don't really like it and i'm willing to edit this and spend more time on it. i just need some help here on what i've done wrong. thanks!