#1
hey guys, this piece is far from being finished, but I'd like to have some feedback how you like it so far. crit4crit of course!


One Of A Kind (not quite sure about the title yet)


Verse 1:

It's not the same warm rain
that made them come closer,
that made him touch/take her hand.
This rain is different.
Cold and poisenous
like their latest/last argument.


Chorus:

However, he's still standing there
without even thinking of leaving
his/these destructive memories behind.
Nothing can make him forget her,
No one can change his mind.

She's one of a kind.


Verse 2:

It's not the same melody
that made them feel together,
that made her kiss his lips.
This melody sounds dissonant.
Loud and crushing
like their latest/last argument.


Chorus:
#2
Verse 1:

It's not the same warm rain
that made them come closer,
that made him touch/take her hand.
This rain is different.
Cold and poisenous
like their latest/last argument.


In the last line use last not latest and take not touch, just my opinion though.


Chorus:

However, he's still standing there
without even thinking of leaving
his/these destructive memories behind.
Nothing can make him forget her,
No one can change his mind.

She's one of a kind.


use these and not his, once again just an opinion.
But I think this is a really good chorus, espicially "Nothing can make him forget her/no one can change his mind/shes one of a kind"


Verse 2:

It's not the same melody
that made them feel together,
that made her kiss his lips.
This melody sounds dissonant.
Loud and crushing
like their latest/last argument.


I dont think dissonant sounds quite right there, but Im not sure of any other words that would fit.


Overall I think this is a good song in the making, and maybe another verse if you can squeeze it out.
#3
i do like the song
but it seems like at the end of each verse it just stops and loses its momentum
but the "shes one of a kind" after the chorus is good

c4c
in my sig
"come here with me"
#4
It's not the same warm rain
that made them come closer,
that made him touch/take her hand.

i would go with take here
This rain is different.
Cold and poisenous

this doesnt grab me - maybe "coldly poisonous" might work better?
like their latest/last argument.
go for "last". i think you maybe need another line here? it grinds to a halt a bit

However, he's still standing there
without even thinking of leaving
his/these destructive memories behind.
Nothing can make him forget her,
No one can change his mind.
She's one of a kind.

chorus is good. go with "these". "however" jarrs a bit - maybe rethink that

It's not the same melody
that made them feel together,
that made her kiss his lips.
This melody sounds dissonant.
Loud and crushing
like their latest/last argument.

good - again maybe needs another line either before or after the last one. also, that 4th line doesn't seem to fit - try something like "this melody is dissonant

overall i really like what you've got so far. extend it a bit and you could be on to something. nice work

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=663632
or
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=663174
or both lol
#5
thanks for your crits guys!
thanks also for the suggestion of adding another line or two to the verses. I have something in mind and I'll edit my first post if I bring it to paper! I also hope to add a bridge and a third verse to it, but I guess that'll take some time ^^
#6
I like this.

And I agree with that coldly poisonous is good.


MATT


I want you to live as a gay woman.