#1
Excruciating pain sinks deep into unresolved pits
Let slide down into crevices that haven't been touched recently
Or that were but then were passed over quickly
The sickly sweet sheen of sweat as it drips off her body
It makes me realize that somethings aren't quite worth it
And those that make me question why, these things, they -
They aren't quite worthy of anything more than passing infatuation
So if you wish to assuage my passing facade of love
Or even if you just wish to have someone to hold
These pits are again untouched, unloved, rebounded
For I have found ways of resolving myself from using them
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#2
Quote by Auals

Excruciating pain sinks deep into unresolved pits I'd add a coma after pits.
Let slide down into crevices that haven't been touched recently
Or that were but then were passed over quickly this line isn't as good as the first two. I thought it was a bit clumsier if you know what I mean? The wording isn't as clever
The sickly sweet sheen of sweat as it drips off her body I love the alliteration here
It makes me realize that somethings aren't quite worth it
And those that make me question why, these things, they -
They aren't quite worthy of anything more than passing infatuation
Here there is something that confuses me, it's not really the quality it's the way you phrased this, makes it a bit confusing. You say: And those that make me question why, these things, they- . Is that they referring to those or to these. It's a very small detail, it hardly takes away but at first read it's a very slight bit confusing. This is still very very good.

So if you wish to assuage my passing facade of love---this line is great.
Or even if you just wish to have someone to hold
These pits are again untouched, unloved, rebounded
For I have found ways of resolving myself from using them


That's a great ending. That last line is just perfect. It leaves the whole idea neatly wrapped up, and still leaves mistery.

Overall, I thought this piece was great, but! you had many sections that weren't quite up to standard or clashed with the rest of the piece. The wording was clumsy, the idea might have been rushed, maybe you wanted to write one thing but wrote something else. I think you could identify those sections quite easily and with a bit of thought improve this. Lots. I know this wasn't much of a crit, and it was very nit picky, but what could I do. I'd still appreciate a little something something on one of mine, if that's no problem :
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=663623
#3
i really like this. you make your feelings very clear. very bittersweet. nice
now - my crit -

Excruciating pain sinks deep into unresolved pits
Let slide down into crevices that haven't been touched recently

think this line needs retouching for flow - maybe "...crevices, not recently touched"?

Or that were but then were passed over quickly
The sickly sweet sheen of sweat as it drips off her body

great - love the alliteration

It makes me realize that somethings aren't quite worth it
good so far as it goes - feels a bit cliche, though - maybe rethink your phrasing?

And those that make me question why, these things, they -
They aren't quite worthy of anything more than passing infatuation

cool - just watch overuse of the word "quite"

So if you wish to assuage my passing facade of love
Or even if you just wish to have someone to hold
These pits are again untouched, unloved, rebounded

this bit is great

For I have found ways of resolving myself from using them
dunno - just doesn't grab me, not sure why. i just don't think it does the rest of the piece justice

realise i've been very fussy there - but i always appreciate it when someone does a full crit of my work so i've tried to be constructive. hope it helps

would be great if you would crit mine for me - its a new piece - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=663174
cheers
#4
Thanks guys, i'll get to yours ASAP

In answer to some of your comments, yes it's clumsy, but that's how I was feeling, clumsy, angry and used, and I was trying to get that across, some of the things I was saying were just flipping into my brain so I was putting them down, just like you said, so thanks guys
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."