#2
On first glance, the "add to the eerie feeling" should not be there. You should be showing, not telling us it's an eerie place.

More later.
#3
Smiling shadows stretch
past me as I run along this
back-alley. Musty-air and
a damp ground add to the
eerie feeling. Discordant noise
seeps out from a window, tobacco
smoke gives an uncomfortable
sickly-nouveau-freshness.


I like the way sickly freshness sounds.

Walking on I exit the alley into a busy
market. Gypsies dancing and three dogs
barking, I twist and turn as I make my way
through the down-trodden stalls. Swift
hand-movements help me avoid the
pick-pocket snaking along beside me.
He winks and fades away with the crowd.


No problems here.

I suddenly realize I have returned into the
back alley, with smiling shadows stretching
past me. Sitting down by the window, I inhale
the smell of tobacco and digest the noise, wearily,
hoping to be able to sooth my nerves.
Sometime soon…


I like the way it flows back to the back alley, but you say you inhale the smell of tobacco and digest the noise, does tobacco make noise? or are you refering to something going on in or outside the window?
#5
did u make the lining like that purposely? coz its a little hard to understand.
eg. your third line,
"back-alley. Musty-air and"

nway, its a good poem. i'll give you credits for your originality. kinda like a short story in my opinion.
crit mine, thnx
#6
Clandestine

Smiling shadows stretch
past me as I run along this
back-alley. Musty-air and
a damp ground add to the
eerie feeling. Discordant noise
seeps out from a window, tobacco
smoke gives an uncomfortable
sickly-nouveau-freshness.

I really like this stanza. It seems kinda dull, but has potential.


Walking on I exit the alley into a busy
market. Gypsies dancing and three dogs
barking, I twist and turn as I make my way
through the down-trodden stalls. Swift
hand-movements help me avoid the
pick-pocket snaking along beside me.
He winks and fades away with the crowd.

Great job here. I think this stanza really paints a picture.


I suddenly realize I have returned into the
back alley, with smiling shadows stretching
past me. Sitting down by the window, I inhale
the smell of tobacco and digest the noise, wearily,
hoping to be able to sooth my nerves.
Sometime soon…

This is good. I really like the connection to the first stanza.





Good job.

6/10


MATT


I want you to live as a gay woman.
#7
Quote by confusius
c4c.

Clandestine

Smiling shadows stretch
past me as I run along this
back-alley. Musty-air and
i get the feeling that you are trying to make things poetic. smiling shadows is awkward. this back-alley, awkward. you really must be more honest with your reader, just say it straight out, you can evoke beauty with vernacular.
a damp ground add to the
eerie feeling. Discordant noise
contrary to jamie, i don't mind the eerie feeling reference. it's a narrative, i think, and to act totally ignorant to the narrator's thoughts is to completely change its purpose.
seeps out from a window, tobacco
smoke gives an uncomfortable
sickly-nouveau-freshness.
i very much like these last three lines. except nouveau, not really necessary.

Walking on I exit the alley into a busy
market. Gypsies dancing and three dogs
barking, I twist and turn as I make my way
through the down-trodden stalls. Swift
hand-movements help me avoid the
pick-pocket snaking along beside me.
He winks and fades away with the crowd.
honestly, the tense and way you're describing all of this, it's feels very forced, awkward, and odd.

I suddenly realize I have returned into the
back alley, with smiling shadows stretching
smiling shadows isn't even good :P
past me. Sitting down by the window, I inhale
the smell of tobacco and digest the noise, wearily,
hoping to be able to sooth my nerves.
Sometime soon…
bah. inhale the smell of tobacco is actually good, that's relatable. i'm sad you did nothing with it. i'm sadder at the condition of this piece

.


honestly, i did not like it. it was more because i came in with high expectations, from your WotM nomination. your style is very dense, you seem to want no connection with your reader in this piece.

sorry, i realize that this is overly harsh. you are clearly more talented than most of the people here, certainly me. i just wish you'd be more honest with your writing. you need not make everything complex and some form of forced poetic. that doesn't make you a good writer, in my opinion. i also haven't read your other pieces.

you have so much potential
#10
Smiling shadows stretch
past me as I run along this
back-alley. Musty-air and
a damp ground add to the
eerie feeling. Discordant noise
seeps out from a window, tobacco
smoke gives an uncomfortable
sickly-nouveau-freshness.

The add to the eerie feeling seems very second grade-ish to me. I just think it didn't come out like you intended. The rest is good overall...I wouldn't say the tobacco smoke "gives" I would say "lends a sickly-nouveau-freshness to the air." Pretty good overall.

Walking on I exit the alley into a busy
market. Gypsies dancing and three dogs
barking, I twist and turn as I make my way
through the down-trodden stalls. Swift
hand-movements help me avoid the
pick-pocket snaking along beside me.
He winks and fades away with the crowd.

Gah...I don't like the first line...seems too little-kid-writing-a-story to me.
I would also modify one line to "swift movements of the hand allow me to thwart a pickipocket's sly attempts" or something like that. I like the gypsy/dog line, eloquently stated, not sure if it really means a whole lot, but eloquently stated nonetheless.

I suddenly realize I have returned into the
back alley, with smiling shadows stretching
past me. Sitting down by the window, I inhale
the smell of tobacco and digest the noise, wearily,
hoping to be able to sooth my nerves.
Sometime soon…

Best verse. Very nice ending. I liked the piece alot. The flow is better here, the language is solid, and the reversal that you pulled off is great. Nice stuff, as usual.

Could you crit one of my pieces? Thanks.
#11
c4c.

Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

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