#1
heres a song about a person who meant, and still means, the world to me, and about a moment that changed my life.

btw - the part in quote marks is supposed to be a spoken voice over a phone.

BROKEN PROMISES or A SONG FOR SARAH

My oath it lies shattered
On the rocks by the sea
And her body lies broken
In some mortuary drawer
With a tag that just mocks my broken heart

I swore to her once
That i wouldn't let
The winter come down
On us where we lay
That i would protect her from the dark

But in the summer
Through glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

"Luke? It's Jenny. Theres been an accident. It's Sarah. You need to
get to the hospital now! Come quickly. Please."

I'm a liar and a fake
If the promise i make
Is just so many empty words
And if my tears were the stars
Then the night would be brighter than the day

Then a doctor came out
And with a shake of his head
Turned the world upside down
Said "we did all we could"
Crushed my promise in the fingers of his hand

In the summer,
Through the glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

Where was the god that she loved
when she needed him most?
Did plan it himself
Or just turn a blind eye?
Was he sleeping while she bled her life away?

What did she do wrong
That she deserved this?
Was it some tiny sin?
Did she reap what she sowed?
Or is this part of a ****ed-up masterplan?

In the summer
Through the glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

When i lie in my bed
Can't escape what i've done
I'm the cause of it all
I'm pushing the buttons
On screeching tyres, twisted metal, blood, screams and fire
_________________________

i really want to get this song right so any help you can offer would be fantastic
cheers.
course i'll crit anyone's work who asks
Last edited by pianoman13 at Sep 2, 2007,
#2
any comments at all are welcome here, guys. i'm really looking to get this working, as it means so much to me, so anything you could suggest would be fantastic. i know its a little pathetic, writing a reply like this to my own post but i would really appreciate some sort of constructive criticism. cheers
#3
it kinda reminded me of last kiss by pearl jam. if this is a song, where's the chorus?