#1
I Am Not The Pianoman; I'm Never Asked To Sing


Can you feel the ground underneath bare feet?
It's freezing out, and I'm prepared to be
Someone who's honest or at least a smooth-talker
So I can pick up a girl, and ask to walk her... home.
Ask her if she feels cold, when she says no,
I'll be taking a breath just to see what it looks like when I exhale...

As the summer girls scream rapture, I prepare for winter.

I'm searching for love in the eyes on the streets,
A whore, some cheap fuck, to give me what I need.
Just tell me what you're thinking and I promise I'll listen,
Or shout your problems to the stars and hope they don't fizzle away...
And I hope you don't fizzle away.
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
Some very nice rhyming in there, Ret.

Blackdotted. Hope your keeping well James.


I am, thanks. Hah, it's good to see a familliar face. I remember, when I 'left' I hardly knew anyone... it seems like everyone had taken a break the same time I did.

You have something new I can check out? I'm off to work now, but I'll read it later.
#5
Really nice to see you around Ret. I was just thinking about your Bayonets piece the other day (you really need to get that out of your sig ).

Anyways, I enjoyed this a lot. Like Jamie said the rhyming was good, but not overdone either. So yeah, good job. Might be back to give it more attention later.

Take care.
#6
Quote by Retribution
I Am Not The Pianoman; I'm Never Asked To Sing


Can you feel the ground underneath bare feet?
It's freezing out, and I'm prepared to be
Someone who's honest or at least a smooth-talker
So I can pick up a girl, and ask to walk her... home.
Ask her if she feels cold, when she says no,
I'll be taking a breath just to see what it looks like when I exhale...

As the summer girls scream rapture, I prepare for winter.

I'm searching for love in the eyes on the streets,
A whore, some cheap fuck, to give me what I need.
Just tell me what you're thinking and I promise I'll listen,
Or shout your problems to the stars and hope they don't fizzle away...
And I hope you don't fizzle away.


First of all, i love the song title. I really do. How did you think up that?
Secondly, i really enjoy your style of writing, you almost have a wit about you, a quirkyness, and i love that.
As the summer girls scream rapture, I prepare for winter.
This is/would be a particulary fantastic chorus, can almost imagine it.
Really enjoyed it, 9/10, and thanks for posting it!!

My song CuriosityKilledThe is up there, if you have time to crit back that'd be great
Franz xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#7
Jesus Franz ^ Everyone's returning.

I'll get to this tommorow man.

EDIT: In my sig if you wanna.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 2, 2007,
#8
dude, thats some good stuff you got goin on there.
especially like the title.
im lovin the bittersweet irony of the whole piece, you've clearly thought it through.
keep up the good work - you've got some real talent
#10
Quote by franz.d.
First of all, i love the song title. I really do. How did you think up that?
Secondly, i really enjoy your style of writing, you almost have a wit about you, a quirkyness, and i love that.
As the summer girls scream rapture, I prepare for winter.
This is/would be a particulary fantastic chorus, can almost imagine it.
Really enjoyed it, 9/10, and thanks for posting it!!

My song CuriosityKilledThe is up there, if you have time to crit back that'd be great
Franz xxx


Yeah, I was planning on expanding this piece, but was told by some people I respect as writers that it was complete the way it was. I suppose that line is kind of the 'hook' of the song though.

I'll get to it now.
#11
Quote by bassbeat77
Really nice to see you around Ret. I was just thinking about your Bayonets piece the other day (you really need to get that out of your sig ).

Anyways, I enjoyed this a lot. Like Jamie said the rhyming was good, but not overdone either. So yeah, good job. Might be back to give it more attention later.

Take care.


I tried to, but with these crazy new profile things, I can't find how to change my sig!

Haha. I'll find it soon, hopefully.
#12
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I thought the rhyme scheme was I great, both the external and the internal. Well, I don't think the ellipses are neccessary in the 4th line of the first stanza. And in the second stanza I would say "a cheap fu ck" instead. Also, this is just a personal preference, but I think you should say something else besides "fizzle". I don't know, I just don't like the sound of that word. It reminds me of "sizzle", which reminds me of frying eggs. anyways, nice job and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
#13
Quote by Retribution
I Am Not The Pianoman; I'm Never Asked To Sing


Can you feel the ground underneath bare feet?
It's freezing out, and I'm prepared to be
Awful line break imo. You would do a lot better to present this with imagery rather than stating the temperature.
Someone who's honest or at least a smooth-talker
So I can pick up a girl, and ask to walk her... home.
Nice rhyme. Not sure if you reeally need the ...
Ask her if she feels cold, when she says no,
I'll be taking a breath just to see what it looks like when I exhale...
The last line I just don't really like. She says she's not cold so you breath out to show it is, I get, but again, to show it would be better than tell it in this rather in this rather bland, direct style you used in the last line.

As the summer girls scream rapture, I prepare for winter.

I'm searching for love in the eyes on the streets,
A whore, some cheap fuck, to give me what I need.
Overdone, really. Your going to use these images and ideas, it has to come across a bit more originally. "cheap ****" just doesn't cut it anymore, I think.
Just tell me what you're thinking and I promise I'll listen,
Ack. It's been said before. There must be another way to say this.
Or shout your problems to the stars and hope they don't fizzle away...
And I hope you don't fizzle away.

Eh, I wasn't much a fan of the ending either. Too... something.


Like I said, nice rhyming, but personally I didn't care for the piece too much. It just didn't feel real enough and a few lines were just too bland and unimaginative.

I'm inclined to go with Jared on this one.

In my sig, if you could Ret. Many thanks.
#14
Quote by Jammydude44
Like I said, nice rhyming, but personally I didn't care for the piece too much. It just didn't feel real enough and a few lines were just too bland and unimaginative.

I'm inclined to go with Jared on this one.

In my sig, if you could Ret. Many thanks.


I'm going to be honest - Line breaks aren't my thing. I don't really use structure much, especially lyrically. When I write lyrics, the line breaks (and, in this case, the ellipses) are mostly for myself, to remember the melody. Of course, that is no excuse for sloppy line breaks, so I should pay more attention when posting next time.

Thanks for reading though, I appreciate it, and as always, you give good ideas.
#15
Its okay, Seems like there should be a little more to it. good rhyming, what style of music would this be?
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#17
Don't know how atrociously I'm bumping this, but I like it. It's not your best, but it's still very good. Could be golden with the right music.

Link in the sig if you get a chance (I'm back, btw)

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