#1
Havn't been on here in a longgggg time. check it out if you have the time =]
I'm crit for crit, as always. xx


There’s a tad of charisma in his pessimistic state
A spot of recognition for later in the day
And suspected cancer
For that early bird that never caught a thing
I swear I don’t know any better
Now I’m half of what I was yesterday

And he feels half hearted kisses
Just to suspect mental illness

There’s a wave of relent in the tide that he’s fighting
A spot of recognition for when he’s tired of spiting
And a spreading disease
For the cat that never got the cream
I swear I know so much better
Now I’m half of what I was yesterday

And he feels half hearted kisses
Just so suspect mental illness
My forced opinions got you wired to the wall
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#2
There’s a tad of charisma in his pessimistic state
A spot of recognition for later in the day
And suspected cancer
For that early bird that never caught a thing
I swear I don’t know any better
Now I’m half of what I was yesterday
Flows quite nicely but I'm still not 100% taken by that 'suspected cancer' line ...

And he feels half hearted kisses
Just to suspect mental illness
nice idea

There’s a wave of relent in the tide that he’s fighting
A spot of recognition for when he’s tired of spiting
And a spreading disease
For the cat that never got the cream
I swear I know so much better
Now I’m half of what I was yesterday
I feel that theres too many syllables in that second line, or rather too many words... I dunno it just seems more of a mouthful than the second line of the first stanza. But it can be made to flow well without having to change anything I'm sure

And he feels half hearted kisses
Just so suspect mental illness
My forced opinions got you wired to the wall
Interesting addition to this refrain of yours, the image is great, even though I have no idea, yet, what your meaning is.


Good flow and nice used of vocab while not being too over powering.
Good job.

crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=663845
#4
Blackdotted? What does that mean? =s
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
Eh, I'm not too big on this. It's just kind of... boring. The rhyming feels forced in places (notably the fighting-spiting line) and I'm not a fan of the subject matter...

However, I love this little refrain:

"I swear I don’t know any better
Now I’m half of what I was yesterday"

I think that's pretty brilliant. Maybe take that and work on a new piece?
#6
Quote by franz.d.
Blackdotted? What does that mean? =s


Blackdotted. You post in a thread a black dot appears beside it.

"suspected cancer" is a good phrase, but not hear methinks. It just doesn't fit the idea conveyed imo.

The little two line chorus is a bit weak, imo. It just doesn't really hit the emotions hard enough.

I quite enjoyed the second verse, to be honest, despite what sounds so much like a forced rhyme.

It's nice to see you around again. In my sig if you could leave something small back. Cheers Franz.