#1
"Large vocab" inspired writing, not entirely serious I guess.

Cheers.
Crit4crit

Cynosure

This is not monumental,
It’s callous at best.
This velvet carrion vest
The one you so swear,
At every opportunity
Keeps you from feeling threadbare.

We’re going nowhere fast again
We’re singing songs of hurricanes
Faults lines torn through concrete paths
Your faults written on our epitaphs.

Born with a spoon in your mouth,
You’re a silver plated neonate.
We’re rasorial children of the night.
Transpontine word play to entice a fright,
From every deadly creature,
That made a home in your head.

We’re going nowhere fast again
We’re singing songs of hurricanes
Faults lines torn through concrete paths
Your faults written on our epitaphs.
#2
You've obviously put a lot of thought into it like, but personally i like a nice rhyming scheme.
I cant see how to time the verses with singing. The chorus is pretty good though i like it.
Overall not bad just not a fan of the verses. Not sure how you're timing it so it feels like theres loads of words being jammed in.
But dont take my word for it.
I'm a newb.
Quote by Cpt.Jackass
Nobody sig me or i'll kick your ass.
#4
For the most part, I liked this piece. I had a few problems with some things though...

"Keeps you from feeling threadbare" I didn't really understand this line to behonest...but it does add to the flow. I'd maybe change it to something a little simpler. The chorus
I found to flow very well, but I think the 2nd verse has a few too many syllables for my liking...But then I guess that would depend if it WERE put to a song.

For the peice as a whole, I'd think that some phrases could be changed drastically to add to the flow.

=]