#1
c4c

OTS, not edited at all, so it might be rough. Folk music.

Thanks for reading.


Take these words and hold them
I don't love you anymore
Your man's coming home now
I hear him knockin' at your door

I told you once, thought you would understand
That I don't want to be no backdoor man
Now that he's back from the battlefields
I don't plan to wait and see how he feels
About how you just could not wait alone

When I first met you, you said you didn't have a man
I looked past the pictures, silver on your hand
Thought you'd passed me by with your black hearted wit
Your time is coming, and I'm not gonna wait.

So go, girl, and hide your face, cause its too late to save it
You lied through the telephone night after night,
I don't know how else he could take it
Just stop now, your tears won't make it no better
Just stop now, your tears won't make it no better

Look in the mirror, woman, shattered, pieces short and tall
You wouldn't know that, cause you've had it turned against the wall
So listen to what I'm telling you, as we tip up our last wine
You can give it or I can take it, but the morning's majesty is mine

I hear him knockin', and I think that's your door to open
By the time he's back I'll be gone, just like he's been hopin'
I don't need the gifts you gave, and I'll gladly give 'em back
I'll just take my soul and my stories, and your old Cadillac

More lies than I could count, they must be easy for you to sell
Now I know, and soon he'll know, the water's getting hotter than hell
So when you see me out your window, don't shout and don't cry
I'll be heading for the highway, with my face up to the sky

You can go and play your game,
Feel free to target me with your blame
I have no fear of what I've done
It ain't right and it ain't wrong
But either way, I'll soon be gone
So just take the words I gave you
I don't love you anymore
Last edited by rockinlespaul at Sep 2, 2007,
#4
hey, i like coming in the backdoor man!!

COMEDY! PROGRESSIVE! PUNK!

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#7
Take these words and hold them
I don't love you anymore
Your man's coming home now
I hear him knockin' at your door

It seems as though you're talking to her, and then you say something really drastic which is the focal point of the song, and then you seem to move right on to something else. To me, I'd think you'd want to put alot of emphasis on the first two lines, rather than use them to build up to something else, which is what they seem to be doing here.

I told you once, thought you would understand
That I don't want to be no backdoor man
Now that he's back from the battlefields
I don't plan to wait and see how he feels
About how you just could not wait alone

This is a great verse. The second line isn't grammatically right, but (I'm not sure, I don't listen to much folk, sorry.) that's probably alright with the genre you're writing in, as long as you keep stuff like that consistent, which you did an excellent job of doing. The last three lines might need some revision, you're stretching one sentence over three lines which strains the flow just a bit.

When I first met you, you said you didn't have a man
I looked past the pictures, silver on your hand
Thought you'd passed me by with your black hearted wit
Your time is coming, and I'm not gonna wait.

Love this verse. Especially the 'black-hearted wit'.

So go, girl, and hide your face, cause its too late to save it
You lied through the telephone night after night,
I don't know how else he could take it
Just stop now, your tears won't make it no better
Just stop now, your tears won't make it no better

The third line seems out of place and vague. I love the repetition of the last two lines, though. Nice job.

Look in the mirror, woman, shattered, pieces short and tall
You wouldn't know that, cause you've had it turned against the wall
So listen to what I'm telling you, as we tip up our last wine
You can give it or I can take it, but the morning's majesty is mine

I like the concept for the first two lines, but the way you phrased the second line, in my opinion, weakens the image. The first clause sounds a bit awkward and elementary, if you know what I mean. I loved the last two lines, though, they flowed really well.

I hear him knockin', and I think that's your door to open
By the time he's back I'll be gone, just like he's been hopin'
I don't need the gifts you gave, and I'll gladly give 'em back
I'll just take my soul and my stories, and your old Cadillac

Perfect verse, in my opinion. I don't really see anything wrong with it. Great job.

More lies than I could count, they must be easy for you to sell
Now I know, and soon he'll know, the water's getting hotter than hell
So when you see me out your window, don't shout and don't cry
I'll be heading for the highway, with my face up to the sky

Hmm... the first and last line are a bit cliche, but I think you can pull it off in this song. I don't know the rhythym of the song, and depending on how it's sang, the second line to me seemed a bit long and disrupted the flow a little bit. It may just be me though.

You can go and play your game,
Feel free to target me with your blame
I have no fear of what I've done
It ain't right and it ain't wrong
But either way, I'll soon be gone
So just take the words I gave you
I don't love you anymore

I love the last two lines and they way you used them. This is way I think they should be used, with as much emphasis and drama as you can pour into it. The second line seemed like filler, a bit cliche, and as though you were just trying to get a rhyme. I think if you revised it a bit and didn't make it so predictable, the last verse would read more smoothly.

Overall, this is an awesome folk song. You describe the situation well and the flow was pretty good with only a few roughpatches. The tite's probably been done a million times, but I like it. Great job.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#8
very well thought out and thourough. flows well and has a good scheme. great stuff man, couldnt have done it better my self...
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