#1
I just finished writing this. Crit for crit.


"Psychopath (The Death Bell Tolls)"


You are the difference between
A heartbeat and a heartbreak
If anything at all could make me smile
It'd be to burn your casket at your wake

Your heart is a ****ing car wreck
And your brain is as small as the scars on your neck
If any damn thing in this world was good-hearted
Then you would've finished the game that you started

So load the magazine into my head
I won't remember any of it
Ill blow your head off with one mother****ing glare
Enter my psychopathic mind if you dare

I'd stay up all night
Every time you were sick
I held your left hand as your right one
Held my... movement

You're held down by the opiate masses
And all of the capsules and all of the grasses
If I could fit a four-letter word in your head
Then it would probably be "dead"

So load the magazine into my head
I won't remember any of it
Ill blow your head off with one mother****ing glare
Enter my psychopathic mind if you dare

Your scars are poorly written
And your stories erratically cut
A piece of your brain has been bitten
And the door to my mind has been shut

So load the magazine into my head
I won't remember any of it
Ill blow your head off with one mother****ing glare
Enter my psychopathic mind if you dare
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#2
You are the difference between
A heartbeat and a heartbreak
If anything at all could make me smile
It'd be to burn your casket at your wake

Wow, I laughed and felt terrible about it. Great first verse. I especially loved the first two lines, I don't think I've heard that used before.

Your heart is a ****ing car wreck
And your brain is as small as the scars on your neck
If any damn thing in this world was good-hearted
Then you would've finished the game that you started

The first two lines are amazing, but I'm not quite as fond of the last two. It's sounds like forced rhyming and the last line is really vague, cliche, and predictable. If you could pull that line up to par with the rest of the song, and rewrite to be just as sharp and specific then this verse would absolutely kickass. Oh, and another thing, I love your use of swearing to emphasize certain things and give this song a distinctive voice.

So load the magazine into my head
I won't remember any of it
Ill blow your head off with one mother****ing glare
Enter my psychopathic mind if you dare

Okay, this verse threw me off. You need to better tie all of this together. I'm kinda understanding what the overall message and concept is, but you really need to clarify who exactly your 'you' entails and how they're related to the magazine.

I'd stay up all night
Every time you were sick
I held your left hand as your right one
Held my... movement

This verse sorta takes a more poetic turn than the rest of the song, but I love it. The trail off/pause is brilliant. It's so great, I'm almost inclined to give you a cheesy smiley face...

You're held down by the opiate masses
And all of the capsules and all of the grasses
If I could fit a four-letter word in your head
Then it would probably be "dead"

I love you. No lie, this is even better than the last verse. I don't even have anything to critique, it's perfect. Awesome job, man.

So load the magazine into my head
I won't remember any of it
Ill blow your head off with one mother****ing glare
Enter my psychopathic mind if you dare

Your scars are poorly written
And your stories erratically cut
A piece of your brain has been bitten
And the door to my mind has been shut

Love the way you tied this verse to the other one about scars and brains, it's really pulls the song together and keeps it unified.

So load the magazine into my head
I won't remember any of it
Ill blow your head off with one mother****ing glare
Enter my psychopathic mind if you dare

See above comments.

Overall, this is probably one of the better pieces of work I have read on here. The imagery was brilliant and there wasn't a cliche to be found, something you really deserve props for. The only thing need to look at is better clarifying the magazing stanza. It seems random and it's really hard to tell what you're referring to. If you could revise that verse to better express the idea, or add in another verse, or even revise another already existing verse to tie that stanza in, this song would be perfect.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
thank you. To clear up the chorus, by magazine I meant magazine for a gun, not a regular reading magazine, which supports the "blow your head off with a glare" line. The overall meaning of the chorus and the song is that I'll kill this person in my head (probably more than once), but most likely never in actuality. If you don't understand, watch the movie American Psycho. It might clear it up a little bit.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#5
Quote by dethskar0
thank you. To clear up the chorus, by magazine I meant magazine for a gun, not a regular reading magazine, which supports the "blow your head off with a glare" line. The overall meaning of the chorus and the song is that I'll kill this person in my head (probably more than once), but most likely never in actuality. If you don't understand, watch the movie American Psycho. It might clear it up a little bit.


Ah, gotcha. I'm lame.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep