#1
Tell me a story
about when we were younger
when everything was fine
and we had it discovered

tell me a tale
of my life and yours together
give it to me
to hold as my treasure

we would gaze at the sky
and think of the past
of lost ones forgotten
and the feeling would last

we would gaze at the stars
and our souls would enlighten
touching our body
our spirits would brighten
#2
Tell me a story
about when we were younger
when everything was fine
and we had it discovered
its ok, so far as it goes - but this kind of idea has been done to death. not saying you should avoid it altogether but just be wary of straying into the old cliches. also, you maybe need to lose a syllable in the third line for flow

tell me a tale
of my life and yours together
give it to me
to hold as my treasure
again, its a little too simplistic and cliche. feels like the rhyme is forced as well.

we would gaze at the sky
and think of the past
of lost ones forgotten
and the feeling would last
my issue with this stanza is this - when you were younger, and everything was fine etc. why the dark shadow of "lost ones forgotten" suddenly? also the last line is weak. seems like you've shoehorned in an overdone rhyme

we would gaze at the stars
and our souls would enlighten
touching our body
our spirits would brighten
dude - again, don't force rhyme - "our souls would enlighten" doesn't make sense. alsoim not a fan of "touching our body". i would lose it altogether but if you want to keep it, it should at least be "...our bodies" surely?

to be honest with you mate, im not a fan. maybe its a personal thing but to me it seems forced and superficial. sorry to slate you so much but i always think it helps. hopefully this will.

would be great if you could crit mine for me - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=663174
cheers
#3
Thanks for sharing your thoughts...ill just ditch it cause you bring out good points...it is Cliche...Ive got other ideas though
#4
wtf,
you would ditch such great lyric because there are too many syllables or because someone thinks that 'our souls would enlighten' doesn't make sense?

who wrote the lyric? you or pianoman?
well, does it make sense to you? ...

makes sense to me,
the lyrics flow nicely, it's really an enjoyable piece of work!
But all the drugs in this world, won't save her from herself!
#5
soring is right man, don't drop this altogether just because one person doesn't like it - you're never going to be able to please everyone.

my crit wasn't saying "this is awful, drop it and give up" at all. it's "ok, heres what i think you could improve and change to make this a good piece"

sorry i made you feel so despondant about it. it was completely unintentional.
good luck with this
#6
alright...then ill stick to it...but it did seem cliche to me so ill shape it up towards the end

Thanks Guys
#7
yeah, you have to stick to it! I just would suggest to add some personal stuff or a kind of story cause it seems a bit too general to me. it's not deep enough imo but you can make something out of it, it's a good start!

would be nice if you crit mine, link is in my signature, thx :-)