#1
Hey guys, im working on my lyric skills, which are progressing very slowly, but I wrote a song (if you want to listen theres a rough recording in my profile) the lyrics are as:

any suggesions? (I know its pretty cliche, but i dont mind that so much)


Hey you, where have you been?
I know you've been struggling deep within
take a shot, a pull, and let it all go,
its alright, its okay, we all die someday

I dont know what to say, besides the cliche
'you'll be fine', 'im here by right your side'
you feel all alone, and terrified
do nothing but sit and stare into the void

Chorus
I dont wanta talk, dont wanta walk
dont want do anything, but sit here and and stalk
my personal thoughts about what I want
what i want to do, and what i've all been through

the time seems empty, your head feels full
of pointless things, you wish you didnt know
forget everything, and forget everyone
it really doesnt matter, its all just for 'fun'
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#2
I listened to your recording, so I'm gonna have that in mind while critting this.

I don't like how the first stanza ends atleast in the recording. I think you should add another line behind "a pull" or "and let it all go"

"my personal thoughts about what I want"
-Don't like this piece either. The personal thoughts part is really bothering me. I always try to avoid the word personal anyway but personal thoughts is the most terrible use of personal in a song imho :P.

"the time seems empty, your head feels full"
-Maybe this would be better if you switched the seems and feels.
'the time feels empty, your head seems full'

"forget everything, and forget everyone
it really doesnt matter, its all just for 'fun'"
-best lines

If you're interested, could u pick 'Calcify' out of my signature and crit it