#1
a song i wrote on the spot about a friend of mine who's in a very bad place at the moment, and not looking likely to ever escape it. tell me what you think.

love you, Lucy

BROKEN DANCER

She won't go dancing tonight
Somebody stole her rhythm
And then they came back for her smile

She'll sit on her own tonight
In her invisible prison
Where the bars are forged from despair

She's losing her handhold tonight
The lights all start to go out
And her mind is drifting away

She won't be watching tonight
When the sun sets in the west
They took beauty from her for fun

She won't recognise me tonight
But still, when i take her hand
She'll be grateful, just the same

She won't go dancing tonight
Someone stole her rhythm
And then they came back for her smile
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any suggestions welcome - i'd love to get this one really right, sort of as a tribute to her. so criticism welcome as always.
crit for crit, obviously.
cheers
#2
Quote by pianoman13


BROKEN DANCER

She won't go dancing tonight
Somebody stole her rhythm
And then they came back for her smile
I like this a lot.

She'll sit on her own tonight
In her invisible prison
Where the bars are forged from despair
this is an average line i think. could be a lot better. it's interesting.

She's losing her handhold tonight
The lights all start to go out
And her mind is drifting away

She won't be watching tonight
When the sun sets in the west
They took beauty from her for fun
I don't get this last line here really. maybe fill me in on what this means?

She won't recognise me tonight
But still, when i take her hand
She'll be grateful, just the same
I like this. kind of like you're comforting her

She won't go dancing tonight
Someone stole her rhythm
And then they came back for her smile
again, i like this line a lot.



i like this piece a lot overall, but maybe some other people could help you more than i can for they have more knowledge on how to mold a piece into a better sounding thing. thanks for the crit also.
#3
"She won't be watching tonight
When the sun sets in the west
They took beauty from her for fun

I don't get this last line here really. maybe fill me in on what this means?"

this line is about how her appreciation of beauty, her imagination, her vibrancy is being lost, piece by piece. "stolen" by her disease.
#4
that was a great explanation. i wish you could put that into one small line haha.

i understand now. i wouldn't change anything but someone might disagree.

good work!


also, i hope she likes this if you show it to her.
#5
The only thing that was kind iffy, was the use of tonight in the beginning of every verse. It could be a good thing depending how it would go like in actual song or how it is sung, but can get kinda repetitive and annoying, if you know what i mean. I see reason for it's repetitiveness though.

The rest, was good, I mean, you didn't tell us exactly what she had, just that it took away a lot from her. Which is still very good meaning.
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