#1
I wrote this all ots, no editing or anything, at 11 last night. so bare with me, advice is appreciated. Verse 2 is sung like a chorus, but it's not repeated. the words at the end in parenthesis are like backup vocals, but they're sang right after the regular vocals if that makes sense, not during.


V1
Remember when
We praised God together
You looked on everything
With eyes of love
All those times
Seem so far away now
Because you wont
Listen to the Lord above

V2
You feel like it's a one way street
Going from you to Him
All you do is give give and give
With nothing to show for it
But if you turn around now
You'd surely see His face

V3
You used to have
That twinkle in your eye
But now it all
Seemed to have disappeared
In came the smile
That you hide behind
Someday you'll
Open up your eyes

Outro
'Cause it's not a (one way street) } repeat/fade till ending
It's not a (one way street)
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Sep 3, 2007,
#2
Pretty good. Might just want to make a chorus/bridge using the main idea behind the lyrics.
#3
"All you do is give and give and give"
-I really don't like the give repetition. Maybe something like:
'All you do is give and grant away'
but if you wanna stick to the give thing maybe remove the first 'and'. That would sound alot better.

"But if you turn around now
There you'll see his face"
-I personnally think that this would be better
'But if you'd turn around now
You'd surely see his face.'

"And out will
Slip a tear"
-This part is too cliche imho. It just doesn't sound... you should really change that.

"one way street"
-MAYBE one way road would sound better. But that depends on how you sing it and your 'taste' of words.

It's nothing too great but it's not bad either. If you like, please crit Calcify for me
#4
But if you turn around now
You'd surely see His face

either turn/you'll or turned/you'd, right now i don't think it's correct.

You used to have
That twinkle in your eye
But now it all
Seemed to have disappeared
In came the smile
That you hide behind
Someday you'll
Open up your eyes

you've changed tenses here, and i'm finding it somewhat confusing. i'd use "seems" instead of "seemed" in the fourth line, cos i think it matches the piece better. fifth and sixth lines are definitely not my favourite, i'd look for wording that suited the piece better.

overall it's a fairly good piece. despite my personal opinions on the matter, i think you've done a good job conveying the idea behind it, and also concerning structure and style, cos its simplicity works pretty well. i'd advise you to do some revision and polish it up - maybe even add another stanza or something? dunno, that's totally up to you. anyways, if you feel like adding some imagery or some more elaborate stuff, i think it could fit the piece well too. but yeah, not bad. keep it up.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#5
"It's not a one way street" - that's good. That definitely belongs as the chorus. Wish I would have thought of it before you so I could use it