#1
Hey, i wrote this for my girlfriend, and i was wondering 1, if it was good, and 2, if i should show it to her. I usually don't show things like that to people. anyway, heres the poem.

theres only one need
that the drugs cannot please
so i've thrown them all away
its the one thing that can get me to smile
the only thing that makes living worthwile
what else could i possibly say
this thing is truly amazing
and without it i don't know what i would do
just in case you haven't guessed it already
this thing, my darling, is you
#4
Very nicely written!
Show it to her already!!!....it'll get u a big smile, maybe more!
hahaha
#5
That's sweet. Should be a poem, not a song.

I wrote this for my GF a while ago.


As I'm sharpening my saw
I prepare to cut and slice my way to your heart
A rush of blood flows to my body
as I'm removing your life
from your body
Your chest cavity opens
to expose blood and puss
and trembling tissue
I pry your ribs apart
with crunching and cracking
I break your bones
one by one
Until I tear your arteries and veins
from your heart
with my bare hands.
You're heart is now mine
and you can never take it away

Yea, I read that to her one night


guess who got laid


Edit: on a more serious note, I really dont like the drug line.
It makes you seem like an addict. "I only need drugs and a girl" is how it comes across.
Last edited by HeavenlyVirus at Sep 3, 2007,
#7
This is not the place HeavenlyVirus.

Please choose a title or post it as "untitled" next time.
This is not a pipe
#8
Quote by carmel_l
This is not the place HeavenlyVirus.

Please choose a title or post it as "untitled" next time.



It was very obviously a joke
#9
theres only one need I would have put 'there is' only because of the long syllable count later.
that the drugs cannot please
so i've thrown them all away
its the one thing that can get me to smile
the only thing that makes living worthwhile
I really really like these two lines.
what else could i possibly say
this thing is truly amazing
I would have put 'this thing we have is truly' because for me, it just makes more sense.
and without it i don't know what i would do
just in case you haven't guessed it already
this thing, my darling, is you
Perfect ending.


I love it man! Great to see some of your work on here finally.
I've been waiting for your piece, and this one was definitely worth the wait. That was very well written except for a few tiny things i dont personally like.

So 1, is it good? Yes it is good.
2, should you show it to her, I think you should. Well, actually, that depends, on how long uv been dating, whats been happening, stuff like that. But if you feel very confident, i definitely would.

Keep up the good work mate.
#10
thanks man, this is probably the first one i thought was good enough to put up here, and i really appreciate your advice, i'm actually going to make some of those changes, because they sound better and i hadn't thought about it before.