#1
what can be done,
when a leader points his gun,
what can you do,
when the war, out shines a nation,
that brings, murder and blood to our eyes


Whats happening in the place we used to call ours,
blood and war in front of our eyes,
the days of peace and love, have come and gone,
is it time to pack up and move on,

our minds are flushed with visions of terror and fear,
we hide away because of what they say,
when will we feel safe welcome and hope,
those days my friend are over, its time for HIM to pack up and move on,

As we look in the the eyes, of a leader of war,
stop to see him knocking on the innocents door,
braking through with furious might,
using bombs to continue his fight,

its a sad, truth to say
we wage war on our own,
and battles continue today,
why we fight, what gives you the right,
to decide who lives and dies,

when will you stop!
look and admit your mistakes!
your a murder,
a devil,
a thief,
Last edited by Greg_23 at Sep 4, 2007,
#2
I can't even get past the first lines...
Can't you think of something more imaginative?
On this website alone people have tried so so many times with this sort of thing...
#4
Quote by poolshark73185
You suck. Kill yourself liberal hippie, douche. Or move to Canada.


that hardly helps.


But yeah, these do just seem like random thoughts.
Maybe just try to pinpoint more specific areas. Or something.

This reminds me of that south park episode 'I'm a little bit country'.
MBOX2 - PRO TOOLS LE 7.3.1 - CUBASE SX3 - REASON 4
ATTACK_DECAY_SUSTAIN_RELEASE_
#5
I like the fact that everyone (excluding orgasmickey) was really kind in how they went about critting this song, even though in the rules it says crit others how you'd like them to crit you.

Greg buddy the lyrics do seem slightly random, political songs are extremely difficult to write for, unless you have a firm idea before hand. I understand what your getting at, is that politics is corrupt, a cutthroat business, that politics is the biggest destructor of freedom and life etc, I'll crit fully when I get home bud
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
Last edited by Rookieste at Sep 4, 2007,
#7
Yeah I guess your right but still, are you gonna crit this piece or you just hanging around trying to make friends?
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
Last edited by Rookieste at Sep 4, 2007,
#9
just making sure bro you were kinda harsh on him earlier.
I think he should change the title to A United STATE of America
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
Last edited by Rookieste at Sep 4, 2007,
#10
man this wasn't a political song, its was just something i was writing as i was watching CNN one day, all you ever saw was war and blood and negative things in life, and then stuff from the war came on, hence the bush stuff, but it wasn't a piece on politics, just the state that America is in, sorry if you guys got mad or something or offended, oh and i already live in Canada
#11
Quote by poolshark73185
You suck. Kill yourself liberal hippie, douche. Or move to Canada.


haha, funny. *reported*. Expect a warning coming your way. And stay out of S+L. Attitudes like that aren't smiled at.
#12
dude don't worry I ain't mad rockinles ain't mad, was pissed at the one dude who was harsh to you, but, I like the idea of the song, I just don't think you expressed it as well as you could bro

Change the name of your song to The United State of America
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#13
George Bush is the devil. Ugh. I don't mind political songs, but give a way to fix a problem, don't just complain about it. And if you're song is to raise awareness that Bush is the worst president ever, I think Green Day beat you to it.
#14
what can be done,
when a leader points his gun,
what can you do,
when the war, out shines a nation,
that brings, murder and blood to our eyes

Ok, so you changed out the hey hey bit, that's cool. I didn't like how you went and established a rhyme scheme and then abandoned it earlier, you fixed that. What I don't like is when you say the war outshines the nation, and then follow it with that line. I would expect that to be followed by something about how the good things in the nation, and the war brings shame. I think that's confusing. Also take out the comma in L3.

Whats happening in the place we used to call ours,
blood and war in front of our eyes,
the days of peace and love, have come and gone,
is it time to pack up and move on,

Take out the comma in L3, other than that, its alright.

our minds are flushed with visions of terror and fear,
we hide away because of what they say,
when will we feel safe welcome and hope,
those days my friend are over, its time for HIM to pack up and move on,

Well, this starts off okay. The visions of terror and fear flirt with a higher level of writing, but then it kinda slips away. Line 3 doesn't work, atleast for me. The parrallelism that you use with feeling safe, feeling welcome, and feeling hope doesn't work. I think you need to mix this to make it better. And i see the relation of the last line to the last line in the previous verse, but its too long, and really kind of predictable.

As we look in the the eyes, of a leader of war,
stop to see him knocking on the innocents door,
braking through with furious might,
using bombs to continue his fight,

First two lines, pretty good. L3, you need to change "braking" to "breaking", and the last line adds nothing to the piece, and makes this seem a bit elementary. I mean, yeah sure, he uses bombs in a war....meh.

its a sad, truth to say
we wage war on our own,
and battles continue today,
why we fight, what gives you the right,
to decide who lives and dies,

Pretty good overall, can't find much to crit here. I would take the opportunity to get a bit more in depth here, and I think the piece would be better if you stopped being so specific with your words. A more generalized topic would work better I think.

when will you stop!
look and admit your mistakes!
your a murder,
a devil,
a thief,

First off, its "murderer". I really don't like this verse, it makes your song look like a Move-On-Dot-Org rant. Just seems childish, and ruins the effectiveness. Try to find a little more subtle way of accomplsihing your goal. Show the reader/listener your point of view, don't tell them.


I hope this helped. Its the third time I sent a full crit today, and it keeps not working.
#16
sweet you changed the title, I like The United STATE of America
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!