#1
Hey, I'm new on UG (though I've been using tabs and news from the site for a long time, I just never registered).
Anyways, I wrote a poem, and I'm kinda planning on giving it to my gf for her b day (so my apologies for how cheesy it is ), but I'm pretty new to poems and lyrics so idk if i should. Help me out an tell me how it sounds please?
Thanks


Stay Here Forever


As I look deep into your eyes,
I slowly lose myself in you

Dark pools of amber and green,
They hold me through and through

Let me stay here forever

Your skin, smooth as silk and beautiful as the sun,
Sends it’s warmth through to my soul

Arms of love, wrapped around me,
Please never let me go

Let me stay here forever

The magnetic pull of your presence,
It never loses hold

Your entrancing smile, full of passion and joy,
Begins to take its toll

Let me stay here forever

Soft brown hair brushing up against my face,
Sends shivers to my spine

Your lush, delicate lips push back reality,
As they gently press against mine

Let me stay here forever

Everyday and every night,
You are my one and only dream

All I ask, and all I plead,
Is that you will never leave

Let me stay here forever
#2
depending on how serious you two are and if she is into this kinda stuff, i'd say you're going to get some good sex.

the only lines i did not like was the first two. it's just cliche as hell. maybe change the first two lines.

also this whole piece is cliche but i think you really made it work with lines like

Arms of love, wrapped around me,
Please never let me go

i really like this.

The magnetic pull of your presence,
It never loses hold

and this aswell.

you girlfriend is definetly going to appreciate this if not eat it all up =]


crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=663404
#3
@Fenderdude06

Thanks man. I'll try to think of something for the first two lines. It was just kinda a one time "go with the moment" thing that happened with me though. I'm kinda having "poetry blocks" right now lol
#4
Quote by LoneWolf59X


Stay Here Forever


As I look deep into your eyes,
I slowly lose myself in you
Great
Dark pools of amber and green,
They hold me through and through
Once Again.... Great
Let me stay here forever

Your skin, smooth as silk and as beautiful as the sun,
Sends it’s warmth through to my soul
Maybe there should be that there
Arms of love, wrapped around me,
Please never let me go

Let me stay here forever

The magnetic pull of your presence,
It never loses hold
Good.....
Your entrancing smile, full of passion and joy,
Begins to take its toll
?What?
Let me stay here forever

Soft brown hair brushing up against my face,
Sends shivers to my spine

Your lush, delicate lips push back reality,
As they gently press against mine

Let me stay here forever

Everyday and every night,
You are my one and only dream
Great one
All I ask, and all I plead,
Is that you will never leave
Perfect
Let me stay here forever



I really like this.
Work on a few things. Make it a little less dull. But good


MATT


I want you to live as a gay woman.
#5
Quote by fenderdude06
so, why did she dump you? because really man, you sound clingy and this might not be the best thing to present to her.

i haven't met a girl who wants to spend every minute with me, because she has other people to spend time with and other things to do. you might actually be pushing her farther away by giving her this if the situation is the way i perceive it to be.

She didn't dump me man lol We're like REALLY serious. I just want to do somehting speacial for her and I thought a poem might be good.
#6
Quote by DentingCobra
I really like this.
Work on a few things. Make it a little less dull. But good

Thanks, I'll try to fix those couple things. I appreciate the help
#7
whoa dude, sorry. i thought this was a different thread about this guy writing a letter to his ex girlfriend. im so sorry haha.