#1
Why, yes, the book of Revelation is rather neat. First thing I've ever posted here, thought I'd test the waters. The third verse is veryyy iffy. Truth is duly accepted.

The first seal breaks, the earth, it shakes.
The archer rides his snow white steed.
He cries, "Come forth!" and rides with his bow,
to victory, to victory.

The second seal brings the second rider,
on a blood red steed seen near and far.
He's given a sword, to take our peace,
and teach the world the art of war.

The third seal brings us famine,
a rider on a blackened horse.
His scales cry madly to the people,
and to the hungry show no remorse.

The fourth and final seal is open.
The pale horse rides with Death in tow.
Hell follows close, to kill as none other,
and lay one-fourth of the earth down low.
Member #4 of the "I have parents over 50 and i'm a teen" club, pm tanglewoodguit to join.
#2
i liked it very much!

good job
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#3
wow


if u had a kewl chorus and killer solos... thatd b an amazing song
Live fast, die young, and leave a good lookin corpse

#4
"The first seal breaks, the earth, it shakes.
The archer rides his snow white steed.
He cries, "Come forth!" and rides with his bow,
to victory, to victory."
-The earth shakes part is a bit cliche, you might want to avoid that. Also the 'to victory' line is not great cause your talkin about 4 riders but this is one has almost no 'description' besides that he has a bow and rides on a white steed. So maybe add a line thats like the other stanza's last lines.

"The second seal brings the second rider, (no s*** )
on a blood red steed seen near and far.
He's given a sword, to take our peace,
and teach the world the art of war."
-I think that if you switch near and far, it would sound better. also, maybe the last line would sound better like this:
'and teach the art of war to the world'

The third and fourth stanza were brilliance.

If you're interested: Calcify <-- link
#5
Quote by altosaxgeek5
Why, yes, the book of Revelation is rather neat. First thing I've ever posted here, thought I'd test the waters. The third verse is veryyy iffy. Truth is duly accepted.

The first seal breaks, the earth, it shakes.
The archer rides his snow white steed.
He cries, "Come forth!" and rides with his bow,
to victory, to victory.

Good here. The last line, however... Perhaps you should rewrite to "[five syllables] to victory", if you know what I mean.

The second seal brings the second rider,
on a blood red steed seen near and far.
He's given a sword, to take our peace,
and teach the world the art of war.

Everything's fine here.

The third seal brings us famine,
a rider on a blackened horse.
His scales cry madly to the people,
and to the hungry show no remorse.

Like you said, this verse is quite iffy. Perhaps it's for the best that you rewrite this stanza. Keep the basic idea and rewrite completely. It's the flow especially that fails. It would be a shame to keep this stanza like this when the rest piece is as good as it is.

The fourth and final seal is open.
The pale horse rides with Death in tow.
Hell follows close, to kill as none other,
and lay one-fourth of the earth down low.
Can't see anything wrong wiht this, really. Seems good to me. It flows well.

Well done. Not really my cup of tea, but I suspect it's intended for some kind of metal, no? And like I said before, rewrite the third verse/stanza. Overall, it's very good. The flow, especially, is very good. Could you crit mine? -------> Untitled
#6
Quote by European Son
Well done. Not really my cup of tea, but I suspect it's intended for some kind of metal, no?

Actually, music-wise, I'm thinking more of a 'Masters of War' Dylan-esque feel in the beginning, which builds up to a massive, wall-of-sound atmosphere for the climax, and then back down into a minimalistic folk style. Thanks for the crits, everyone.
Member #4 of the "I have parents over 50 and i'm a teen" club, pm tanglewoodguit to join.
#7
Quote by altosaxgeek5
Actually, music-wise, I'm thinking more of a 'Masters of War' Dylan-esque feel in the beginning, which builds up to a massive, wall-of-sound atmosphere for the climax, and then back down into a minimalistic folk style. Thanks for the crits, everyone.

Ah, I see. Well, thanks for the crit back.
#8
a bit ooo-er on the over apocolyptical side for me matey but nice lines none the less.




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